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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

New Blog Address - Please Update Your Bookmarks!

Heart of Fire has moved!

Please Visit http://cissafireheart.com
for more Heart of Fire!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Making a change

I'm making the slow but sure change to WordPress....eventually I will get things the way I want and will keep this one until the other is complete. So if I don't post for a while, it's because I am trying to figure all the stuff out.....

if you want to check out my "new" blog, here it is...it's rather boring and the domain name will change...and I'll get all the RSS and stuff figured out...in my spare time...eventually....

http://heartofire.wordpress.com

Catch you all on the flipside...

~Cissa

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Oh, how we danced on the night we were wed, We vowed our true love, though a word wasn't said...


At approximately 2:00PM, Eastern Staandard Time, On Monday, October 12, 1998 I became MRS. Cissa Fireheart (well, ok, maybe that's not my real name but you get the meaning).

It was a cool October day, Columbus Day, to be exact, and although Misk and I were already living together and planning on getting married in June on The Vineyard, where my dad and step-mom got married, we eloped.

There are days that I wish I had put the effort in to save money and actually just have the big wedding. Then there have been days, especially in the last 3 years, being involved with big weddings, that I think Misk and I made the best decisions of our lives, to just...get it done.

We knew in our hearts that we were soul mates. We knew we would be together forever. We just needed to go through the legalities of the paperwork in our opinion. Neither one of us was a very devout person of faith, any faith, at that time, so we had resolved that just getting a justice of the peace to perform was a good idea.

It was. We had a nice day. 7 guests. the "feast" was home made meatball grinders, home made cookies, champagne and a few cases of beer (which coincidentally were mostly what our friends gave us as wedding presents). There was only one family member present; my real mother. In retrospect, I wish I had managed to get my Nana there, as she would be passing from this world not even a year later, but at the time, I didn't want a big fuss. I just wanted to get the marriage done and over with so Misk and I could get on with our lives together.

The last 10 years have been....crazy. 5 years ago, I nearly ended up divorced when Misk was first on Shore Duty, because it was then that married life, I mean what normal married people who see each other everyday (and don't have 6 month deployments, various underways and whatnot) go through. He wasn't sure he could handle being married and being a father. He got scared.....and freaked out, so to speak. But we got through it.

We've buried a child, we've lost loved ones. We gotten through various trips to and visits from our in-laws. We've got 2 beautiful daughters who mean the world to us. We've faced near poverty. A few times, we've not eaten, or taken ice-cold showers in January when we couldn't afford oil, or sat in the darkness of oil lamps and candles when we couldn't pay the electric bill for a week or two. Through it all, we have loved each other and clung onto the belief that we, together, can still love each other and deal with the problems, tragedies, and hardships that life throws at us. Through it all, we still love each other as much, if not more, as the day we were married, on that cloudy October afternoon in 1998.

Yesterday, as part of our Anniversary Celebrating, we headed to The Connecticut Renaissance Faire. Misk even consented to wearing period garb for me. I brought my camera, but did I take pictures? Nope. Well, this year the storyline of King Arthur led to the wedding of Arthur and Guinevere. It was all very sweet. After the wedding, as we left the faire grounds and headed home, I could see the "reception" going on. Arther and Guinevere were dancing. It reminded me of something we did after our wedding, at the justice of the peace's house. I gave a sigh , looked at Misk and said,

"Look babe, it's their first dance, as a married couple!" Misk let out a chuckle, and I knew he remembered what the significance of my words meant. for just about the first month of marriage, anytime we did anything we hadn't done in a while, we'd say "It's our first __________ as a married couple!" We haven't said tha stuff in quite a while, as I am sure you all realize, but in the last 24 hours, we've said it quite a few times.

Just now, as I was typing this up, Misk came over and gave me a kiss and said,

"It's our first 10-year Anniversary as a married couple!"

Indeed it is, My Love.

I Love You....
With All of my heart, and all of my soul,
For all that I am, forever and ever.....AMEN!



Happy 10th Anniversary to Us.


~Cissa

Monday, October 06, 2008

Come my little friends, As we all sing a happy little working song...

It's a Bullet Monday... too tired to write a full post.

  • I made almost nothing for tips last night. The bar was dead at 10:30 pm and I was forced to sit there til Midnight. More Sucktacular Sunday.

  • Today the weather is crappy again, and it is keeping me in a foul mood. I love Autumn, but I hate cold, cloudy, rain-looming days.

  • I have to work again today, of course, and at the moment, it is the bright spot in my dreary day. I really cannot wait to be there. I never imagined I would find a job I liked so dang much!

  • I seriously need to get some more music for my iPod. Or make up some good playlists. Since I can listen at work, it's helped me stay focused. I work better with music.

  • My anniversary is Sunday. Misk got me my present already and I haven't a clue what to get him. we weren't supposed to be getting presents for each other this year, even though it's a milestone. Then he gets me "Guitar Hero Aerosmith". I asked him what he wants. his answer? A NewEgg.com gift certificate. How original. I think I'll get him a new watch, his is falling apart.

  • I miss my friends. I was invited to hang with them yesterday, but couldn't because I had to work. I think they are all coming to the Renaissance Faire with me on Saturday though. A girl can hope! I'm lonely without them.

  • I can't figure out how to get Blogger's bullets to delete in-between so I can space stuff out. this frustrates me...oh well.

That's all for today. Have a great Monday.

~Cissa

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Are you ready for some football?

Today has been a SUCK-tacular day.

When I woke this morning it was cloudy and obvious it had been raining. I thought to myself, they will cancel the game for sure. Nope, not a chance! So Em and I went to the game. Now granted the rain had lessened to a drizzle, but it was pretty cold still. OK cold we can handle right?

We get to the field, and guess what? It starts RAINING....light at first...then harder...then harder...then of course, it's time for the game. About half the cheerleaders didn't show up in the first place. Those that did were by now soaking wet, shivering, and miserable. I made Emily wear her raincoat over her uniform. And she had a sweater underneath. I didn't care, I wasn't about to let my child get sick because the league made a bad decision to let the game go on.

After about 3 or 4 cheers we coaches decided to let the kids stand under their parent's umbrellas and had a little pow wow. Some of the parents came up and said they were taking their kid home. We couldn't stop them, and honestly, I would have done the same thing. Finally the head coach made up her mind -- we were going home. The poor boys kept on playing.

Today thoroughly frustrated me. The league did not want to cancel because they had already canceled 3 games this season. The problem is that 1 of the 3 they did cancel could have played because they canceled the night before, and the day of, it was gorgeous. Another game day canceled it had rained over night, but it was drying out nicely. What the league was thinking, I can't begin to imagine.

This league, from coaches to structure to parents and players is the most undisciplined, unorganized club I have ever been a part of. The head flag cheer coach and I have tried, unsuccessfully, to procure information, schedules, and rules, only to be denied or given ambivalent answers. We then are cornered by parents who want answers and we have none to give them. It make us look bad, and makes me feel like crap. I have decided next year NOT to be a coach for the flag cheer. I don't have the time or patience for the crap I deal with -- kids who won't practice, parents who don't bring their kids to practice or game on time, and an organization who can't get their shit together.

We have a cheer competition in less than 3 weeks. My age group is going to look like total crap and I will thoroughly be embarrassed to be there. We only JUST got our uniforms given out today because the head of cheerleading failed to order the uniforms on time, since she waited until SEPTEMBER to stop letting people join the league. How the league can do this to the coaches and the girls is beyond me. it's pathetic. And it makes me mad as hell.

I am not sure I will do much more than be a parent next year. Honestly, with my job now, I miss half of practices as it is. Plus, honestly, I'd rather not give myself the stress of trying to wade through the mess that is this league. I simply haven't the patience

Friday, October 03, 2008

Everybody's workin' for the weekend.....

And so, my first official week at Corporate America has ended!

It was a long week, but I learned a lot. I also made a couple good friends at work, and that makes me warm and fuzzy. One friend will officially be a supervisor come November, and she has entrusted me to learn the accounts she usually handles because she thinks I do so well and learn quick, and have good attention to detail.

I feel so awesome. I cannot describe my happiness in this perfect, perfect job.

As I was typing this up, Misk offered to give me my Anniversary Present a week early. Of course I said yes!

What did he get me? Only the wickedly awesomest game out there today --



Have I mentioned that I have the BEST HUSBAND EVER??? No? WELL I DO!!

Now I am off to play with my new game. Hope you all have a great weekend!

~Cissa

p.s. sorry for the short post, but my wickedly super awesome Anniversary present has completely wiped any other thoughts I wanted to put down. maybe tomorrow will be a longer post.....

Monday, September 29, 2008

I feel like a deer in headlights about to be run over....

Today was my first day of my new job. It was a long day. it was approximately 1.5 hours longer than a regular day for me. I learned a LOT about the industry I am now in, how to do my job, how QA does their job, an dhow it may come that I will do some of QA's work and vice versa.

And did I get actually get to eat the lunch I so painstakingly packed yesterday? Not exactly.

I had a Sprite and a bag of Goldfish. During an about-10-minute break.

But in defense of my Supervisor, he had a LOT to teach me because tomorrow, I am pretty much flying solo. My actual job training was delayed by the hour and a half HR orientation, which was actually very interesting. I got to meet much of the office, including the CEO. I also did about 2 hours hands-on training, and in all honesty, I think I got my job figured out. Well...the main part of my job.

I'd love to go into detail, but I signed an agreement not to disclose specifics. But suffice to say, it's a damn good thing I know how to surf the net and use email. And my html basic knowledge? a definite plus!

I am tired and need to catch up on my shows that I missed last night. Thank goodness tomorrow I start later at work. This morning was mass confusion and the girls were nearly late for school!

~Cissa

Sunday, September 28, 2008

stepping out of the grey day she came, her red hair falling like the sky...

And now I present.....

Before.......

and After....

Much better I think. Much more natural looking. I am a happy camper. I've got work at the bar tonight and then a short 6 hours sleep until my first day of work...My weekend has mostly been spent indoors. I pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve in my neck and it's made moving around very difficult. I hope I do well in tips tonight, I need to pay for parking in the morning!

Hope you all have had a great weekend!

~Cissa

Friday, September 26, 2008

Theres no hurry any more, when all is said and done...

Happy Friday to you all! This weekend is my last as an unemployed woman. I am so happy about that! I managed to secure after school babysitting for the girls with a neighbor, and I am ready to go!

Unfortunately the weather this weekend is less than stellar. I have a feeling that the football game will be canceled tomorrow. That's ok because then I will get to sleep in. Plus the uniforms STILL aren't here, and I honestly am frustrated.

Last night was the season premiers of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. Betty was good, although a little weird for me, although the cute rocker that is Betty's new neighbor was an obvious romantic twist. Grey's...well...wow....Bernadette Peters was spectacular. Truly. As if the drama wasn't good enough, those crazy writers pulled the "Denny Card" out and played it well. When Izzy flashes back to the Prom from season 1 or 2 (I think it was 2 LOL) I was like "No way, no way, no way!!"

And then the elevator opens and Denny is there, in all his hunky glory, and I burst into tears:

"Dennyyyyyy!!" My Lord and Lady, it was so ...touching and awesome. I cried so much. I was so, so surprised and pleased to see Harry Dean Morgan. Truly, it took me like the last 5 minutes of the show to get over it.

It's an icky, rainy, day here in Southeast CT. The rain is making me want to crawl into bed and read a book. Right now I am reading A Boy Named Shel - The Life and Times of Shel Silverstein. Growing up on the Vineyard I had the good fortune of knowing Shel, as he was friends with my family who own the hardware store in the town he had a summer home in. It's been fascinating to know about his life, since I did not pry into his personal life when I spoke to him at the store or helped him hang lanterns for Illumination Night. My sister has almost all of his books personally signed, and I had hoped that when I had kids, Shel would be able to sign a couple for me.

He passed in 1999, and I recall the day he died because I was in Air Force Tech School. I was at the base barbershop with a fellow Airman from my flight as he got a haircut. CNN was on the TV in the room and they announced Shel had passed. I flew from the barber shop and made a collect call to my parents from a payphone. We all were very sad. I realized later that day Shel would never be able to sign the books for my future children. Selfish as it may seem, I knew I was sad I would not be able to provide that honor for my kids. Even thinking about it now makes me a little down. He was a genius. The Giving Tree still makes me weep when I read it.

Well that's all for me for now. Sorry about the downer at the end of this post. I hope you all have a great weekend!

~Cissa

Thursday, September 25, 2008

She’s a mother and wife, and she’s proud to be a working girl ....

ATTENTION! ATTENTION IN THE COMPOUND!!

I GOT THE JOB!!!

That is all...
.
.
.
.
.
.


ok, well...not really. I am so super duper excited! I am like....SO EXCITED...I have no words!

I start on Monday....WOOO-HOOOOOO!!!

Now all I have to do is find after school care for the kiddos.....YAY ME!!

~Cissa

'Cause everything is new, and everything is you....

I've been hemming and hawing for a while about wanting a new blog layout/design. I don't have a lot of money right now, so I have been browsing for a good free one. Suffice to say, I don't like anything that's out there. So I thought, OK, I'll just...make my own. It can't be that hard, right?

My problem now is that I don't have a freakin' CLUE where to start....

So I am asking all of you, those of you who are so....graphically and technologically inclined to help me. Know of a good step by step site where I can learn to make my own template? Something a little more....original than this thing I have right here? Truly, this is just a bastardization of one of the generic templates, we all know that. With the exception of the flaming heart that I found years ago somewhere, I can't even remember, I have nothing to go with.

Even better, if you know how to manipulate Paint Shop Pro, if you could help me to make my own graphics, that would help too. Hell, if you are someone who is super talented and loves to help out, I'm also open to you donating elements of design like a logo or something! (hint, hint Dave... ;P )

Essentially, I need a "For Dummies" concept to teach myself. Because right now? I'm lost. I mean I know what I want. I've got the concept stored in my little noggin, just waiting to be made. I just don't know how to execute. I'm willing to do all the work on my own. I just need to know how.

And I keep repeating myself...LOL

So...feel free to email me at heartofire@tvcconnect.net or leave a comment with suggestions/website lists of where I can learn to do this on my own.

Thank you!

In other news, I had a great interview yesterday. The Project Manager, who would be my boss, was impressed with the knowledge of the 'net I have, and was really impressed that I had done so much research on the company. He was also impressed that I was familiar with blogging, Twitter, teaching myself HTML and whatnot. It lasted nearly an hour, and I think I did well. Really well. So well that I expect a call by tomorrow saying I am hired. Everything is perfect about this job, really. Well except the parking....but it's New London, so of course, I would have to fork over $50 a week to park. But since the company compensates for $30 a week of parking, it's really only $20. Pretty damn nice, eh?

ok, back to the grind of figuring out templates....

~Cissa

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Work all night...sleep all day!

Yeah the lyric for the post subject totally not my bag, baby! But it was all I could think of on short notice.

Today at 10:00 AM I have an interview with a company that posts jobs on websites for other companies....kinda like a middle man when companies and organizations have positions for hire, but don't have the time to go to the bazillion job websites like Hot Jobs or Monster, etc. and post them.

It's part time, but 35 hours max a week....that's only 5 hours shy of what's considered "full time".

It sounds like a good job, and I am hoping that maybe it will work out. Plus it's not far, in New London, right over the bridge.

One of the things that intrigued me was the website saying it was an informal work environment.

So...I'd get paid to surf the net, wear comfy clothes and spend maybe 10 minutes a day total commute time? Um, yeah....where do I sign?

Wish me luck! I really need a decent job!

~Cissa

UPDATE - 11:22 AM -- Just got back from the interview, and pretty sure I nailed it! Time will tell, but I am guessing I will know by Friday, as I could start as early as Monday!! Keep sending the good job juju -- thanks a million! ~Cissa

Monday, September 22, 2008

What goes around comes back around...

Last night I worked at the bar again, my Sunday night money maker. I spent the majority of the day prior to work working on laundry and watching the pathetic, disgusting Patriots/Dolphins game. I left the house already in a pissy mood.

Apparently that left my customers last night with the assumption that I was fair game to be complete and utter assholes to me and to the other bar patrons.

-- one customer got so drunk that he decided he was going to fight me about his bill. Forget the fact that he bought 2 rounds for the ENTIRE bar, plus shots for himself and a few others. Apparently he thought I was trying to cheat him. I don't think so. I told him if he continued to be belligerent and demeaning I was going to ask him to leave (his ride wasn't there yet, but I didn't give a damn)

-- one guy decided the mens' room wasn't clean enough for him. According to him it was disgusting and smelled bad and there were flies. I had news for him; it's mid-September and there are flies everywhere, even at my house. He decided that he was going to be an ass and complain as loudly as possible. He kept saying the health department would shut us down if they were there. I called my boss (who too his first day off in 3 months) because he was being such an asshole and I was losing my patience. I had the kitchen helper clean the bathroms....again, because they were just cleaned that morning.

-- this jerk wasn't done though, because after Boss Man calmed him down on the phone, he decided to target me directly, making comments about my cleavage, my choice in men (he thought he could and I quote "fuck the hell out of me better" than my husband) and the fact that I was usuing my education to be uppity. Oh yeah, sorry I use big words, loser. He then proceded to try and get sordid details about my private sexual life. I told him in no uncertain terms it was none of his business and if he was going to treat me like trash he could leave. I may be in the service industry, but that doesn't give him the right to treat me like a two-bit whore.

-- THEN this SAME ASSHOLE decided to pick a fight with one of our regular and most laid-back patrons, who he had some sort of beef with. They were yelling in each other's face and I truly thought I was gonna have to call the cops for a bar fight. Thank Goddess that the usually calm guy took the high road, and walked out to cool off. Shortly after the argument "Asshole" left.

-- later on, or maybe while the Asshole was there, some guy and his ex came in. They were there almost all night. By the end of the night, she was getting really pissy, and while the Boss Lady (Boss Man's wife) and I were making out (code word for smoking, fyi) outside, they came out and he asked if either of us had ever met the guy before. I knew I hadn't and made a point to say so, as did Boss Lady. Well the chick went back in, finished her beer and proceeded to make a big stink to the guy as he left. They then started to exchange text messages after she drove away. The guy told me that the chick (his ex) had made up her mind that he was screwing me. I had a good laugh at that, but it pissed me off because 1. I'm married and I KNOW I said that to her several times during the night, and 2. this guy was WAY below my standards and 3. Even if I WAS single, I don't screw patrons because that could end up losing business for the Boss Man and lastly 4. she's not his girlfriend, so what fucking business of hers is it anyway if I WAS screwing him??. At one point after she left she texted him saying that she knew he hadn't left because he could see his truck still. I looked across the street, and sure enough, this bitch was stalking him parked under the light of the church parking lot across the street. I went back inside. I didn't need any more drama.

so yeah....that was my night. I got home about 1:30 and finally to sleep about 2am. I am friggin exhausted and didn't make as much in tips as I would have liked.

I guess last night was my day to deal with the assholes of the world. *le sigh*

Today better be better, because I'm tired and cranky and I deserve a good day after last night!

~Cissa

Friday, September 19, 2008

Happy Birthday Kaitlyn Rhea!



Today my youngest daughter, Kaitlyn is 5 years old!

Kaitlyn on the first day of Kindergarten

I can't believe how fast these 5 years have gone. Tonight is her party at Chuck E. Cheese's, and she is super excited. A lot of her classmates and friends from the neighborhood will be coming, and I know she is going to have a blast.

Kaity is my "mini-me". Most of my family and friends agree she looks like me....I don' see it too much myself. However I can tell she's mine by her personality. She's dramatic. She's loud. She can be a total bitch when she's tired and hasn't slept well. All just like her mama.

But she is my snuggle bug. The last couple of days she had bit of a tummy ache. last night she woke up crying with a bad dream and climbed into bed with me and Misk as we watched a movie. She fell asleep all snuggled up to me, her arm draped across my stomach. It was so adorable I wanted to cry.

All in all she is a great kid. I love her and enjoyed taking her class cupcakes for snack time today. She enjoyed asking her classmates what flavor they wanted, and handing them out. Then she made sure to bring her sister one and the school secretary a cupcake too. She's very kind like that. It made me proud to see her today.

Happy Birthday to my Kaity Bug!

~Cissa

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I wanna talk about Me, I wanna talk about I...

So I got this Meme from Avitable...feel free to post it as well....

My favorite age: 21

My best friend: Vanessa

My celebrity crush: Christian Bale

My defining characteristic: at the moment? my Red Hair (see my previous post below)

My most evil moment: Watching an ex-flame of Misk's face as we danced together at a friend's wedding. Then smirking at her when he couldn't see and kissing him like crazy.

My favorite food: My own fettuccine Alfredo

My grossest injury: Oh goodness...ok, I was about 6, and we had this huge plant by the window that I would stand on to see out the window better....one night, my foot slipped, and I was straddling the edge of the planter it was in.....a very intimate part of my anatomy got cut....yeah...

My biggest hatred: Injustice and bigotry.

My most illegal activity: When I was in high school I was hooked on cocaine for a little while.

My need for justice: When cruel people who are in charge of something abuse that power to terrorize and demean others.

My most knowledgeable field: Christian Bale.

My life's goal: Own a house with a front porch, swing and a bit of land for privacy that I can retire and pass away in...

My mother's influence: My real mother taught me how to be an independent person and how to fend for myself. My step-mother taught me how to be a good wife and mother.

My nerdiest point: 3rd grade. I knew everything and aced all the tests, even if I didn't do my homework. Turned out I was a gifted child. And the only one from my elementary school who was sent to a special class for gifted kids at another school the next year.

My oldest memory: My cousin Danny sticking what he thought was a dead bee down my shirt and slamming my chest. The bee was, infact, NOT DEAD. My mother says it was right around the time I turned 3.

My perfect date: Romantic Dinner, on or near a beach, some slow dancing, then a walk on said beach and sitting with Misk talking as the sounds and smells of the ocean surround us and provide one of nature's most spectaular music symphonies.

My unanswered question: Why did Mae have to die?

My random fact: I was not given a middle name at birth, legally. When I married, I changed my name to include the one my mother had used for me my whole life.

My stupidest decision: Juan Merida. My oldest friends know who he is and why.

My favorite television show: Currently on air? Weeds. Of all time? M*A*S*H

My style of underwear: standard cotton bikini style. But I like them colorful hehe.

My favorite vegetable: Green beans

My weakest trait: I worry too much about everything

My X-men power: Wind gusts and accute short term psychic power....oh yeah, and smokin' slim body and hair to my waist.

My strongest yearning: To be financially secure

My moment of Zen: having my morning tea and a cigarette right after the kids are at school for the day.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Thank you clarity. Thank you, thank you silence....

Amazingly, 53 hours later, I feel much better about things than in my last post...well....mostly...

To those of you who commented and sent me private messages, thank you. Your support and empathy helped me pick up my broken mental pieces and get my ass out of the slump. I will forever be grateful to you all.

I worked Sunday night and made a nice little piece of cashage. It paid for all but 2 of Kaity's presents....and a few things I needed...including a change in myself....

yep it's RED....

Not quite the shade I was going for mind you, and belive me it was a shock when I started to put it on...then when I washed and dried I expected it to be more..natural looking....I was thinking of all the things I could compare it to:

A tomato...like someone dumped paint on my head....Hawaiian Punch red....a red crayon....a stop sign...a fire engine...I could go on for a while.

Misk and I went to lunch on Monday and when he pulled up to get me I was outside reading a book....first words out of his mouth were "Hey Red!"

I worked at the restaurant last night and got mixed reviews of my new color from the regulars. Mostly it was shock, but some people really liked it. Some people asked me what the hell I was thinking. My standard answer? "I needed a change." Most people didn't realize I meant in more than just my haircolor.

Anyway...I'm back for the moment, although I might be slightly irregular on the posting the rest of this week. I have work the next two days during the day, cheer practice twice, baking for Kaity's snack at school on Friday...and of course, the Bug's Party...me, Misk, and about 30 other people at Chucke E. Cheese's....I just hope there is some good karma stored up from Saturday and we're the only people in there because it's spectacular weather and no one wants to be indoors anywhere.

On a final note...Dawg has awarded me with something I truly thought I never would get:


The "I Love Your Blog Award". I am touched that he listed me, and also mentioned that he hoped my hiatus wouldn't be too long.....Thank You, Dawg. It made my day.....Give Poppy my love and make sure she gives you my love...I hope I can make it to FL so I can see you in November. I'll get around to listing people sometime, but I really need to get off my depressed fat ass and get some stuff done around this house.

Back to the grind, for the moment.

~Cissa

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I've been wrong, I've been down, to the bottom of every bottle ....

My husband has a drinking problem.

It's not that he's violent, or drinks all the time. He binges. And when he does this, he ends up saying things that hurt...even if they are true.

You know the saying "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts?" That pretty much sums up what being with my husband when he is totally wasted is like.

Many many many times over he's "tried" to stop drinking. He'll do well for a little while, then he starts again. Usually this brought on by a stressful time in his life from work.

Not this time. This time, I cannot find a reason why he would start doing this again. I've tried to get him help. I've tried to get him to AA meetings. He refuses, because he hates that at meetings they try to convert you to Christianity. His take on it is he's got his own faith in whatever he believes, thank you very much, and he doesn't want anyone trying to push their beliefs on him. I could take the issue to his command, but I've also tried that in the past. The issue was literally swept under the rug -- twice. Short of aggravating him to the point where he strikes me, which he has never done in the 11 years together and nearly 10 years of marriage, I am helpless. I also do not want to do that becasue I would not ever want him to go to jail, and also The Navy would probably end up discharging him and we'd have no where to go.

I love my husband. I want to help him, I have supported him as best I can. But I am drained.

I have no one to turn to. My friends are all...very busy with their own lives. Thier husbands have come home from deployment, and save for a few 5-10 minute phone calls and the usually short visits of one friend, if that, I have not heard from most my friends in nearly a month. Most of them are moving in a couple months time. The command my husband is in right now has no support system, and he doesn't have any friends that I could meet and get to know their wives.

I'm pretty much alone and on my own. And it's a feeling that makes me filled with dispair.

Don't get me wrong. I love all the time I have with my family. I love my kids and husband. But sometimes, I need a friend. And lately....I don't really have any. Sure I have friends and acquaintences on the internet, I've seen that through the comments and emails. And it's nice to know.

But right now? I am very alone. And I feel myself getting into a depression that I don't see any way out of. And I am scared. My worst fear in life is to be alone. And lately, I've been facing that fear head-on. And it sucks.

So, that's why I've not been around a lot. That's why I've not been to the radio shows, and commented a whole lot. I'm in the funk, and I don't know what I can do. I'm tired. I don't even see the poitn of trying anymore because, honestly, I'll just end up back here again.

It hurts, ya know? I have been there for my friends when they needed me. We took my friend Nicky out for her birthday back in July. My birthday? I got 2 text messages, comments on my blog after asking for them, and on my Facebook page. No night out on the town. No dinner and drinks. Not even a card (excpet Angie, yes, she did remember but on my actual birthday she was away).

Not one of my friends called. And when I do call my friends, because 90% of the time that's how I end up talking to them, I get the feeling that I am interrupting their happy times with their husbands. And I don't want to do that. Out of respect for them I have stayed away, but in the process I've ended up hurting myself, I guess.

I don't know what else to do. I'm lost, I'm alone.

I feel like I am whining. Maybe I am. but I am at the point where doing anything else almost seems assanine.

And so, I leave you all for a while. I need the prespective of my own life. I'll be lurking, reading blogs through my reader and leaving the occasional comment here and there. But for now....I'm on hiatus.

I wish you all the very best while I am gone.....

~Cissa

Friday, September 12, 2008

TMI Moment

I'm tired. I'm menstrual. And it's a lousy day outside.

I have no motivation for posting except to say: I LOVE the fact that Kaity's bus stop is at the end of my 25 ft driveway. It makes me happy today.

I am going back to bed.

~Cissa

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?

I will always remember.....

I can't say I will ever be the same, can anyone? Some people are tired of it, the remembrances. I'm not. I wasn't there, I only saw images on a television. But I can remember the jolt of realization crossing that bridge over the Ala Moana in Honolulu, walking to my job in the 2nd tallest building in the city, that my husband, who had been gone on a 6-month deployment and was only gone about 6 weeks, might not come home. I nearly collapsed. That's a feeling I won't ever forget, and it pushes me to strive when I think things can't get worse.

7 years later...so many other wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters have actually had to know their Soldiers, Sailors, Marines or Airmen weren't coming back. All because some people assumed the answer to September 11th, 2001 was to start something they thought they could finish.

At my trip to NYC this past summer, we came upon something amazing. Well, not really at first, but thanks to Karl, we got off the tour bus at an unscheduled stop. We looked for a minute, then stopped and really looked. The following show all the tiles and the ones that especially struck a chord with me....These are my remembrances.



May we all find a little peace today. May we never forget what we all are capable of, and try to think of ways to change our own nature to save ourselves and the world around us.

~Cissa

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Money, money, money, must be funny, in a rich man's world...

Wow, first off, I must say, I am in awe of you folks. I know some of you have bought or have plans to buy a raffle ticket for the Avitable's Halloween Party in sponsorship of me. For that, I am grateful, and I really really hope that I win, so your money was well spent.... in other news...

I got a call on Monday from Boss Man at the restaurant I worked at until June. He needed my help to cover a day shift because he had lost a worker and one was on vacation. He offered to pay me cash, and I would be working both the restaurant and the bar. Since money is, naturally, pretty tight right now, I said yes. I actually had a very good time working yesterday, and made a whopping $117! When Misk and I counted the money at the end of the day, I nearly had a coronary. Most of that was from the bar, and I didn't start to get customers in there 'til about 1 pm!

So while I was working, Boss Man asked me if I would be interested in bar tending on Sunday nights. You bet yer bottom dollar I said yes! At this point, any money is good. I called Misk and talked to him, just to be sure, and he was good with it. Awesome. So now I have a regular Sunday night gig. Not too shabby! All I have to do now, is learn how to make drinks! LMAO...kidding of course, because this is mostly a beer and easy drink place, although yesterday in the restaurant, a woman asked for a Perfect Manhattan. Having never had one, I had no clue...thanks to the internet, I made one that was, as my customer put it, "Perfection in a glass!"

I shoulda gone to bartending school! LMAO

In other goings on, I have sent in my request for an absentee ballot from my home state of Florida. I am rather proud of the fact that I am going to vote this year. Miss Britt has some great links on info for BOTH candidates in today's post, and to her I am much obliged. I haven't made my decision, but I plan on making an informed choice, and I also plan on making sure that I vote for who I think would best represent me for this country based on my beliefs and values. I think it's important that I do. I think it's important that every American votes on this election. I am not going to say who I will vote for until my vote is cast. Because one, right now I don't know, and two, honestly, between the commercials and debates and other people's blogs, you don't need me trying to tell you who to vote for. And I am not a big political person, never have been. But I do plan on exercising my right to vote; I hope you all will too!

Let's see what else? oh yes! Sunday night was the premiere of TrueBlood, right before my favorite Hollywood Hunks, Entorage. I actually didn't watch it until AFTER Entourage, when it was repeated, but suffice to say...I am in LOVE with a new show. Seriously. I love Vampires. I love the Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyer, and can't wait for the first movie to come out in November. Now, thanks to HBO, I have discovered a new Vampire Series by Charlaine Harris. Some of my well-earned tips are going towards a couple of her books in the Southern Vampire Series. I know it will be money well spent.

My favorite part was, and sorry for the spoiler if you haven't watched, when Bill asked Sookie if he could "call on her". Romantic. My Lord and Lady, I was a puddle right there. Poor Misk was wiping drool off our new blankets for an hour! hehe.

Thank the Goddess for DVR, because I would be so in trouble. I will be recording my Sunday night HBO line-up with the utmost loyalty!

Whew, that's a lot that I've said today.....I'm off to the bookstore! Happy Humpday to you all!

~Cissa

Saturday, September 06, 2008

She's got a ticket to ride, but she don't care.....

Dear Internet Friends,

On November 1, 2008, the following AWESOME EVENT is happening in Altamonte Springs, Florida: (click on the picture to see the details of the event, after you read this entry of course)


And although I have tried to deny it...I no longer can....

I. want. to. GO!!

Here's the problem: I am poor. I don't have the money for a ticket. And although I would have a *free* place to stay (father-in-law live 30 minutes away in Holopaw), I don't have the money to pay for a plane ticket....

Here's where YOU, MAH INTERNETZ FRIENDZ, can help!

At the bottom of the Huge Announcement, is a little Pay Pal link where you can BUY a raffle ticket for the small sum of $7.00. The cool thing is? You can SPONSOR SOMEONE -- like your good ole internetz freind, Cissa Fireheart. Here's the catch: the raffle tickets have to reach 100 before the free plane ticket Grand Prize is even a possibility...And before you ask, YES, I have already purchased a few tickets of my own....

I think I am gonna make a little button too...put it over there to the right ------->

I can hear you all now. But WHY, Cissa? Why would you want to go to this weirdo's house? Why should I spend a whopping $7.00 on YOU to have a good time???

Well, here are a few reasons I so desperately want to go.

1. Miss Britt, Hellohahanarf, Karl, and Dave2 are all gonna be there. I've met the first 3 people, and they rock. They are great. And I would love to meet Dave and Avitable (the party host). I dunno who all else is going, but I reckon it would be a LOT of cool people I have had the chance to talk/comment/read their blogs over the last few years.

2. I love to dress up, and already have a costume I could wear! Hell, I have 2 to chose from, and if I really think about it....possibly 3! How cool is that? And it's a frickin' party where EVERYONE is gonna be dressed up! I have never been to an adult costume party, and I really wanna go!

3. I'm technically a FL resident. I love FL. Wouldn't you want to see Cissa to be happy to be HOME? Even if it is only for 24 hours?

4. How cool would it be for Misk to have an awesome birthday present, like say, getting to pick me up at the airport after a long trip away (ok I'm stretching, but work with me people), and we get to do one of those kisses you see in the movies, where he tilts me back and is all romantic and stuff? Wouldn't that be awesome? Huh? C'mon, it would be wicked cool!

5. You like me and you just wanna do something nice....the pay it forward thing....for a nominal amount.

Please sponsor me, Cissa Fireheart.....C-i-s-s-a F-i-r-e-h-e-a-r-t...in the Avitable.com Neverwas Fair Raffle. BUT HURRY!! TICKET SALES END ON SEPTEMBER 20TH!! Thank you!

I am done begging. We now continue with your regularly scheduled blog posts.....

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing ...

Aaaand, it's September!

First, I want to say THANK YOU to all you folks who stopped by and left Birthday Wishes. it was nice to know that you all read the blog and took the time to say Happy Birthday. It was one of the best presents I got Sunday (after my Cuisinart waffle maker, Revereware knife set and fresh Heather-colored bedsheets - hehe)

That was one of the fastest summers ever, wasn't it? But all good things must come to an end, and we must move on. Circle of life and all that. Time to reap the harvest and enjoy the fruits of the labor of the spring and summer.

My last weekend of the summer on The Vineyard was great, but I have so much to look forward to for Autumn, I don't think I will mourn too much. For instance, school has started for the kids....sure it started Thursday, but now that the first few days are over, the kids will hunker down and actually learn stuff. That's great, right? plus, I get the added bonus of peace and quiet in the house while everyone else is at school or work. I can have quiet moments to blog, read blogs, surf, etc. The craziness of my life is postponed everyday until 3:30...it's nice.

The kids on their first day, don't they look great?

Autumn is my favorite season. it used to be summer, but now that I am an adult, and hot weather tends to irritate me more, I look forward to the cool, crisp air. Warm sweatshirts, jeans and my clogs. And there are fun things to do in autumn that just give me the warm fuzzies. Apple picking will be in full swing in a couple weeks, and I can't wait. Apple pies and treats galor. A few week after that time to get pumpkins, fresh from the farms and orchards around here. hay rides, Halloween, which for me IS a holiday....all in all, a great great time.

Sunday is Emily's first Flag Cheer game, and I can't wait! It will be cute to watch the kids. They have been working hard on the cheers, and it's hilarious to watch some of them with one cheer that includes hip shaking. I am laughing just thinking about practice tonight!

It's nice when I can sit back and think about how much I am enjoying life right now. Autumn does that to me. I enjoy it so much....

So I hope that as September is here, you all will take time to embrace it. Enjoy it. Remember it.

Autumn is time for change, and I am welcomng it with open arms...

~Cissa

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I am 31 years old.

Not terribly old, but I am not too young either.

I've been on Martha's Vineyard with my family for the last 2 days, and it's been great. Friday night we got to the island late, and yesterday my brother-in-law Terry came with his mom to tour the island. I had a party for my birthday, and my family and friends were all here. A good time was had by all.

Today my uncle Ken is rbingin my little cousin Colby and my kids are excited to see him. We will be having a little party, apparently. Tonight I am making Misk take me to a NICE dinner and then we have tickets to a comedy show at a place in Oak Bluffs.

Well I have taken about a half hour to write this short post. My grandmother has stopped by and the house is waking up, and I am constantly being distracted.

I hope you all have a good Labor Day....and hey, I am not one to beg, but...


PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT TODAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY!! THANK YOU!

~Cissa

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I voted...did you???


The Hot Blogger 2009 Calendar Voting has begun! There are two actual categories, one for the girls and one for the guys. While perusing the nominations I saw that the NYC Watchdog has been nominated. So you know what I did right? I totally casted my vote for him because he is a total Hawt Dawg!!! Voting is VERY easy. There is no registration, its a simple poll, and all you have to do is check off right by his name! They couldn’t have made it any easier for us to make the Hawt Dawg into our Mr. October for 2009!!! So throw the Hawt Dawg a bone and help me out by voting for him here!!!




In other news...the Minions begin school tomorrow! WOOOOOOOTT! Pictures will be posted tomorrow of course :)

~Cissa

Monday, August 25, 2008

Oops! I did it again! Got lost in the game, oh baby, baby....

It was revealed to me yesterday, that Misk reads my blog. I actually did not know this until yesterday afternoon, when out of no where, he asked me why I hadn't mentioned the "hot guy in Super Wal-Mart" incident. He then followed up by asking who #1 on my list of non-famous guys I'd sleep with....

*groan*

It's not that I mind Misk reads. It's probably a good thing. He's never mentioned anything I have ever written on here, so until yesterday, I was blissfully clueless. I know now that he does, and I am feeling incredibly self-conscious and wondering if I will have to edit myself now, to protect his fragile ego. I blogged about the hot guy in Wal-mart because really, I didn't have anyone to share it with. When Misk read it, I got exactly the reaction I knew I would have had I told him about it face to face: Jealousy, teasing, and though I don't think he would say it, hurt, because I thought the guy was hot.

So fucking what? He was hot. I still did nothing. I still went home to my husband of nearly 10 years. *rolls eyes*

So now I have to really decide if I wasnt to write everything that happens to me. All my thoughts, even the ones I wouldn't neccessarily share with him. I don't even want to think about what he has read, and what else I think he doesn't know about what I think, but he actually does. Nothing until now affected him, apparently. But one friggin guy tries to pick me up, and I get hell about it for the rest of the day....ok, not hell, but teasing, and he enjoyed watching me squirm, he even said so.

I kinda feel violated. Like my privacy has been breached. Misk has never really had much of an interest in my life that doesn't involve him, so I thought I had the chance to really express myself, really just get it all out there. If for nothing than self-therapy. Now? I am going to be thinking in the back of my mind with every post- How will Misk react? Will this piss him off? Will he understand my meaning behind what I am saying? *sigh*

I will just have to play it by ear....

On other things in my life, Motley Crue are cheap bastards. Awesome music, great show, loud pyro that nearly made me deaf, but it's the first show I've worked as a stage hand that I didnt get a "crew shirt". I was not the only one who was disappointed, as a few of the workers were Crue fans. But I did get a souvenir! I found one of Nikki Sixx's guitar picks on the ground. I also got a giant goose egg on the back of my head from a truss of lights hitting me as I loaded sound wires. Overall not the best work night I could have had last night. At least I get paid.....and I got to see the band eating at catering as I pushed their sound equipment by to the trucks....Vince Neil looked good. Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee looked hot, and I tried not to throw myself at them.....and succeeded, amazingly enough!

I'm getting old. 10 years ago, I woulda had Tommy Lee right there on the catering table, or damn well tried my hardest to do so. *sigh*

~Cissa

P.S. 6 days until my birthday. I better get a few birthday wishes for you people! eCards are even better. Need an email addy to send one? heartofire@tvcconnect.net

Sunday, August 24, 2008

...And many more!


Three years ago today, I began this blog on a whim. My friend and fellow Balehead, Jeopardygirl, who has since closed 2 blogs, had started a blog and after reading a little of hers, it seemed like a good idea to try one out again. I had one previously, and to be honest, I can't remember what it was about. I barely wrote on it.

I have shared many things with you all on this blog over the years. My joys, sorrows, anger, fears.....and as below the title it says: confessions, flames, rants, raves, and everything in-between.

I've had dry patched where I've lost my energy and motivation, but I have also come back and made some cool friends...some of you whom I've even gotten the chance to meet. It's been awesome, and I am hoping that the awesomeness continues as my life, and my little world continues on with new adventures in life.

In 7 days I turn 31. It's weird to think that, because many days I am just waiting for someone to come to me and say "OK Cissa, the gig's up, stop pretending you are a grown-up and get back to class." Then there are the days I hear the phone ring and expect Death to say "Seriosuly Cissa, get yer ass over here because your time is up, old lady!" hehe. I think this a good thing to still have so many days in my life where I feel like a teenager, to space out all those random moments of feeling very ancient.

My children start school on Thursday, and on Friday after school, we head up to The Vineyard to see my family. This summer I have been to the Vineyard 2 times, both for nice visits, even if this one is only for 3 1/2 days it will seem like much longer. I will enjoy my birthday weekend among family, and I hope friends, and it will be a nice change of pace. It seems funny to think a year ago I was celebrating 30 with 2 friends at a bingo hall. Thsi year, my friends had actually been upset that I wasn't going to be around so they could have a party. Overall, a pretty decent change of events.

Now that all of their husband's have come home this week from deployment, it's been lonely. Misk has been around, but I still miss my friends. I'll get over it and eventually they will want to get together again, but I have a feeling it won't be the same. As much as I have enjoyed my friends' happiness to see thier men come home, I am slightly envious. I don't get to have the happy homecoming anymore, at least not for this year, and it bums me out. There's a ....rush of excitement; picking out what outft you will wear, rushing to clean the house because you just haven't had the time to do it since you've been busy for 6 months not thinking too much about how much you miss your husband. The exhiliration of watching the guys come off the pier and wondering how much weight he's lost, and will you recognize him and vice versa? And as always...the first kiss. I miss that most of all.

*sigh*

But I digress. You see what I mean about my sharing with you? If I didn't have this blog, and my 10-15 regular visitors, I'd have no one at all to share all this with...and for that I am grateful.

So Happy 3rd Blogiversary to me! And maybe for my 4th it will get even better!

~Cissa

Thursday, August 21, 2008

It's the little things that kill, tearing at my brain again....

Hey there, yes, I am still alive.

I had a blast in Boston! Seeing my sister was great. Hanging out with her fiance was fun. We got Shell's wedding dress -- well, ordered it, anyway, and it will be here in a couple months -- I can't wait! I even did well and didn't eat anything too bad at the Italian Festival. Go me!

I would show the wedding dress to you all, but I am pretty sure my brother-in-law- to-be bookmarked this blog, so I can't -- dang you Terry! hehe

I won't get into the drive up and back, because I will just get stressed...however I will mention that google, yahoo, and mapquest all need to start mentioning ROTARYS in the state of Massachusetts in their directions. I nearly had a coronary when I encountered 3 on the way....and promptly got lost in 2 of them. But anyway...

I got back Sunday afternoon, and had a nice dinner with the family. Nothing special really happened this week - cheerleading practice for the girls on Tuesday was fun (I'm an assistant coach), and I am looking forward to this with them. Tonight we have another practice. woot!

But yesterday, something awesome happened. Now it won't seem like much to you all....but kaity got a postcard in the mail yesterday...

"Ohhh! A postcard form school, wonder who it is from?" I thought. So I flipped it over...

I was very pleased at this development. The teacher kaity has is awesome, and I am good friends with one of the teacher's aides. I am very much looking forward to the first day of school (1 week from today - WOOT!) and seeing how Kaity likes this teacher. Emily loved her.

so yep, that's my world....I've been in a bit of a mental funk......so I haven't blogged.....meh

~Cissa

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sumptuous Sunday - Week 3: Low-Fat Pesto

Welcome to Sumptuous Sunday! My weekly recipe sharing series. What is Sumptuous Sunday, you ask?

Here's how it works: Every Sunday I will post a recipe that I enjoy. Not just anything from my cookbook, but a sumptuous kick-ass recipe that I myself have eaten over and over again. If you have a kick-ass recipe you want to share, email it to me at heartofire@tvcconnect.net. I will try a couple recipes a week. If I find yours is incredibly Sumptuous, I will post it here on the blog, giving my reaction and singing your praises. You will also get to display this lovely little icon on your blog, if you wish....


This week I am featuring a recipe that I know I will be using a lot since I have to cut out tomato sauce. It tastes great over spinach or whole wheat pasta!

Low-Fat Pesto Sauce

2/3 cup chicken or vegetable stock
2 cloves garlic
1 cup fresh basil
1/3 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese
2 tablespoons pine nuts

Combine stock and garlic and heat in the microwave on high for 5 minutes (or heat on the stove). Allow to cool.

Chop basil in food processor. Add cooled stock, Parmesan cheese and pine nuts. Whirl until everything is finely chopped and blended.

Meanwhile, cook pasta of your choice. Toss sauce with pasta. Serve with additional Parmesan cheese if desired. Makes 4 servings.


Enjoy! See you next week on Sumptuous Sunday!

~Cissa



Friday, August 15, 2008

There lives a girl in Boston, A girl that I love well...

I am heading to Boston today, to see my sister, Shell, for the weekend.

We will be doing lots of wedding stuff, shopping for dresses and trying to find a color that defines "Periwinkle". We also will be hitting the Italian Festival, and I am hoping that I will find something that tastes decent and doesn't have tomatoes or lots of spice. Those are both off-limits for a while...

I am looking forward to this, as I have not been to Boston to visit her since we've been back to New England, 3 years now. I also will get to see her fiance, Terry, and meet some of his family as well.

Pray the church they are getting married in doesn't burst into flames when I step in there. I doubt it will, but I am hoping that they won't freak out on me if they find out I am a Wiccan. Shell has only told Terry, and no one else, because I am not quite ready for the family to know...

I also plan on giving an old friend from Jr and Sr. high, Matt, a call. He and his wife live in Boston, and I am eager to see his son. Yes, Matt's an ex, but we've been friends for a lot longer...we even hung out in Hawaii when Misk and he were both stationed there.

I will have my laptop, but not sure how much I'll get to use it. I will try to keep up on the blogosphere, but not sure how well...I might just catch-up Sunday night or Monday morning.

Have a great weekend everyone. I can't wait to see Beantown!

~Cissa

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

You are beautiful, in every single way. No words can bring you down...

I have found the silver lining in all of this recent medical ickyness: weight loss.

When they took my eight at the ER on Saturday, it said 173, minus 2 lbs for clothes, that's 171.
I went home and weighted myself on my fancy-schmancy individualized scale, and indeed, I was up to 171....2 lbs more than I thought I was. On Monday when I went to my Doctor, my weight was 170, minus 2 lbs for clothes, 168. I didn't think anything of needing a belt for my jeans that day, because I purposely buy jeans a size larger in case I gain weight...bad I know, but something I do.

Now, keep in mind folks, since Saturday, I have been eating as healthy as possible given that I am broke and have a house full of food already. I've cut out many of my usual and favorite foods and made my portions smaller because I don't want another flare up like Saturday. I learned the hard way last night, that tomato sauce, no matter how mild and bland, is DEFINITELY not allowed anymore, and my 1/4 Italian heart died a little last night when I realized it. But then I realized it was a mini flare-up, and I smothered the pain with antacid tablets (which by the way, are now my new BFF)....but anyway, back to my point:

Today, on my fancy-schmancy individual scale, it read 168. Minus 2 lbs for clothes, that's 166!

Since Saturday, and altering my diet, I have lost 5 lbs! And that's just cutting out the bad stuff, that's not counting the stuff I will replace it with come Friday when I go to the grocery store.

I cannot believe it myself. I am sitting here in pants that I NEVER need a belt for...with the belt on the second notch. Amazing.

I actually cannot wait to see what happens next. And I am so excited.

And I feel totally hot....maybe that guy from the club knew better than me, that I CAN be hot again! ;)

~Cissa

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Am I cracking up, or just getting older?

And now, I have my second opinion, which apparently was not far off from my first opinion, written on my ER release form, although verbally was told something different.

Ladies and Gentlemen, at the tender age of 30 (31 in 19 days), I have been diagnosed with Gastritis!

Yes, apparently all the foods I have loved and eaten over the years, along with the lovely pain drugs called NSAIDS, have created a lovely condition in my stomach. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!!

Not only do I have that lovely little condition, I was given a blood test for some bacterial strain that causes something called Peptic Ulcer Disease which he suspects I might have because my attack came on so suddenly with no triggers! Isn't that grand??? My doctor said that he was not happy that I wasn't given a copy of my blood test results from the ER, so I will have to have more blood taken. It was not fun. Now every time the phone rings, I cringe in fear looking at it.

In the mean time, I am on a regimen of once-daily Nexium for my gastritis. Ugh.

If I ever complained of feeling old, it is now official: I am getting old. I have acquired a condition that is usually not diagnosed in people until their mid-30's....fabulous, I am 4 years ahead of schedule.

And the whole changing my diet thing? Yeah I do have to do it, and it is totally gonna suck. However my doctor did say that and wine was ok, but anything harder was bad, so thank the Lord & Lady, my Friday nights have been redeemed. Now you all know what to buy me if you see me, or just feel like sending me a nice birthday gift. I prefer Pinot Grigio or Reisling....oh and chocolate? I can have that too, but small amounts at infrequent intervals. Translation: My birthday, Christmas and Valentine's Day. How bloody wonderful! *sigh*

So that's the update with me. I think a few of you made comments about bland food cookbooks and recipes, and I would love the names of those books or copies of the recipes. But Queenie, I don't think I could do vegetarian. I love dead animal meat too much, and since I can't eat too many kinds now, I will savor the little I can. Misk isn't too thrilled at the fact I will be buying more healthy foods and less fun foods, but he also realizes he doesn't want to see me like I was on Saturday ever again, so he's willing to compromise.

Well my hour of waiting to eat after my daily pill is up, so I must be off to have some toast. *sigh* Have a great day all....

Oh wait, I have to mention, I am going to Boston on Friday for the weekend to see Shell and do wedding stuff. There is an Italian Festival this weekend, and you know what? After tonight's dinner (spaghetti & meatballs, with the world's blandest tomato sauce, Ragu) I can't have tomato sauce for a while, like a week....how sucky is that? I have concluded that life is not fair.

I feel like a whiny teenager again....maybe I am not so old afterall?? hehe

~Cissa

Monday, August 11, 2008

I will follow you into the dark....- Part 2

....and so the long 10 minute drive began to the Emergency Care clinic near our house. In retrospect, I should have gone to the actual hospital, but honestly, I didn't think I could take an even longer ride.

We got there, and Misk helped me again to walk into the ER. They took me straight into Triage, and took my pulse, temp, and blood pressure. I recall seeing 147 /85. They made me take it again. They wanted me to stand. And the fucking thing just about squeezed my arm to sleep. This time it said 136/78 I dunno if either of those are high, but those were probably the highest BP numbers I have ever been. I usually am somewhere in the 105/70 range. Even 9 months pregnant and in labor, my BP never went over 110/75, but anyway...

The nurse told me she wanted me to go over to the lab for blood and urine, and I looked at her like she had 3 heads. She wanted me to walk somewhere else?? Luckily she got me a wheelchair, and I covered my face, embarrassed, knowing there were other sick people here. The pain was a little less now, still burning, but it was more like.....an ache with a burn, than anything else.

I got blood taken by the most awesome hemo-tech ever. I barely felt the needle go in my arm. Perhaps it was the fact that I had been having unbelievable pain like I never knew before for nearly a half hour prior, but the needle barely registered for me, and I was grateful. I hate needles. However, there was no way I had to pee. I drank 2 cups of water and managed to get a little for the stupid little cup, but it still took a while.

During this time, the pain began to abate in small stages. I wasn't shaking, the burning had definitely decreased, and it was more of the achieness being prominent. I began to apologize over and over to Misk, telling him how I feared this was nothing, and how I had probably over reacted and I was wasting his and Nicky's time. He promptly told me that had I not agreed to go to the hospital, he would have picked me up and carried me to the car, that's how worried he was.

We were sitting in the waiting room for a while, and it was taking forever for them to call me. Misk was complaining about the time, and I looked up, and honestly? We had only been there an hour, this was not bad. I was able to talk somewhat normally, the burning sensation returning from time to time, but not nearly as bad as it had earlier. It was not agonizing, just painful. I got very cold at one point, as the A/C was cranked up and I was in a tank top and thin capris, and Misk went out to the van and got me my fall jacket.

Finally we were called back, and they told me I had to get into a gown. This did not please me at all, but I did it anyway. I think wrapped my coat around my feet, since it was friggin freezing. Another half hour or so of waiting and finally the doctor came in. She asked all these questions, and I answered, explained to her the pain, how I knew it wasn't gas or heartburn, as I had experienced those, it also didn't sear across my whole upper abdomen if I had either of those.

She said it wasn't my appendix or my gall bladder, which was good, because that's what I thought it actually was.

Her conclusion? I had an acid reflux attack. I needed to go on a medication for it, and cut out a lot of my foods such as...soda, caffeine, chocolate, alcohol, fat, acidic foods. This pretty much meant that my Friday nights will be shot, and I will be eating salad, tuna, chicken and certain cereals for the rest of my life. This did not thrill me, but I took the prescription, and went home.

Feeling like a giant idiot. having wasted Misk's and Nicky's time over something so stupid.

To be honest, I was going to take the doctor's diagnosis at face value. After talking to Brandi later that night, I decided that I was going to call my doctor today and get a second opinion, because I am apparently in a window for possible heart issues, and it possible I was having a mild heart attack.

My appointment is at 4:10 pm, and I don't care if I have to take the kids with me, I am going.

Because not being able to have spaghetti sauce, or pasta, or any fried foods at all, ever again? Soooo not gonna work for me. I want a second opinion, damn it. And if the doctor I have had for the last 2 years tells me that that's what it was, I will believe him. And then I will do what is recommended, which will totally alter our whole family's eating lifestyle, and I will be damned if I will do that on just one person's say.

4:10 isn't coming fast enough...

And I am alive. After some schedule changes from Nessa though e-mails on Friday afternoon, we had decided to go to the Sunday show for They Might Be Giants. And the show was awesome. Nessa and I had a blast! So did Zbabygirl, who hadn't been out of the house much since having her baby 3 weeks ago. It was a good night....and I even had 2 glasses of wine...and felt totally fine after!

Thanks to all of you for your concern. I really am fine, as far as I know, so please don't worry, ok? It was nice to see so many of you cared!

~Cissa

Sunday, August 10, 2008

I will follow you into the dark....- Part 1

So I know, you guys must think I am just lazy, but I swear on the Goddess and God, that last night, I had every intention of pre-posting Sumptuous Sunday .....until about 5:30 last night, that was the plan...you are warned this might be a little TMI, but hey, that's me.

I was reading Breaking Dawn again, so that I could reevaluate things, as I am prone to do. It was in my bedroom and I was laying sideways facing the lamp on my right side. I started to feel some pain in the muscle right beneath my breasts, usually where the underwire of my bra sometimes digs in. not thinking anything of it, I turned to my back, and the burning began. I tried to ignore it and managed a few more sentences, then decided to sit up and read. The burning pain became worse, searing across my upper abdomen/lower chest. I stood up and staggered into the office across the hall.

I tried to explain to Misk about my pain, but I was becoming short of breath and the pain was increasing, so I stumbled back into my bedroom and tried to move into various positions to make the pain abate. Nothing worked, my pain only increased. It felt like something had exploded in my body. Misk asked if I wanted antacids, I shook my head gasping out that I wasn't able to barely breathe, let alone swallow something. He asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I shook my head and gasped out "NO! NO DOCTORS!"

Then the pain, which I thought was bad before, decided to explode even more. I collapsed on the floor, writhing in agony, tears came to my eyes, and all I could do was wail and moan in pain. This was it, my final straw.

"OK.... Hospital" I managed out in between shallow breaths. "Nicky....Need to call Nicky....to watch the kids...."

Misk got the phone for me, and I moaned that I could not remember her number. Misk, luckily, is a smart man, and looked through the caller ID until he found it, it dialed. Nicky picked up.

"Nicky! I need your help..." my voice wavered and I gasped again.

"Oh my god, What's the matter??"

"Burning..pain...need hospital...need you...to watch the kids...."

"I'm on my way. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"OK" and I hung up.

At this point I realized I had taken my bra off, probably when I first was feeling pain. I then realized I was not going to the hospitals with my boobs hanging loose. I might have been dying, but I wouldn't show up like some classless white trash, even if it did kill me. I managed to get the bra on and Misk helped me down the stairs, me wailing all the while. As far as memory serves, it reminded me of being in labor, only the pain was too high, and this was a burning explosion....maybe it was my voice the way I was wailing and moaning...it was the only way I could deal with the pain, and convey how much of it I was in.

Misk got me to the car, walking me slowly, my agony even more pronounced when the warmth of the inside of the car hit me. I could barely breath as it was, now he was sticking me in a fucking oven?? If I had been able to, I would have slapped him....instead I begged him to open the windows. I was profusely sweating at this point as well, I could feel my tank top sticking to my back, the dampness of the back of my head as well. Whether from the pain or the heat, I am not sure. But the pain was not going away, and the heat was not helping, that's all I knew.

Nicky showed up right about then. Time still is blurry about that, and Misk told her the kids were out playing, they would be back, etcetera. I glanced in her direction, but wouldn't look at her, I don't even know why, I just knew I couldn't look her in the eye, but the half-second I did, I am pretty sure she saw the pain, terror, and fear in my eyes.

I could only think in abstracts, and one of my dominant thoughts was "I am dying".

Because pain like this only happens when you are dying, right?



And now, because this we seem to be at a good place to stop, I will....obviously am not dead, but I really need to take a break typing and do some cleaning.

~Cissa

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot, like me?

I've decided to take a break from Half-Nekkid Thursday for a while for a few reasons:

1.) I'm a terrible procrastinator
2.) I am having weight/self-esteem issues and most importantly ..
3.) my camera broke and I don't have the money to get it fixed or buy a new one.

So yeah....

I realized the other day that it's August. Holy Carp (and I do mean the fish), where did the summer go? Really? Really...?

So you all should be aware of the fact that my birthday is in 24 days. I will be 31. that's right, 31 on the 31st. the only time in my life when my birthday and age will match. What will I be doing? Oh, taking a little trip to Martha's Vineyard to see my family. They give good presents. And they entertain my kids. It's a win-win situation for me.

I am very excited about this weekend. Nessa is heading to CT to see me! Well, kinda. We're going to see They Might Be Giants at Mohegan Sun for FREE! Sure the drinks are an arm and a leg and therefore I will not be drinking, but hey, I get to hear a great band and see my best freind. Pretty awesome, huh?

I was at Super Walmart shopping the other day, when a guy came up to me and said "hey how you doin'?". A hot guy. It took me a few seconds, but I realized it was one of the hot guys I danced with at Shrine last weekend. I was not looking my particular best, and I wanted to die, right there in the Seasonal Items section (it's back to school at the moment there, in case you don't know). I made small talk with him, and tried not to make too much eye contact, because you know, fat chicks and SMOKING-HOT, I-WISH-I-WERE-SINGLE-SO-I-COULD-SCREW-YOU guys do not mix, especially when one is married and has low self-esteem. Especially in THIS community when so many people know who you are, or know a friend of yours. Plus, he was so hot, I had thoughts instantly of being a bad, bad, wife, and I didn't want the temptation.....it was rough, lemme tell ya. He was one of the hottest guys I have ever seen. Really. He now has the #2 spot of non-famous people I'd love to fuck, if I ever end up divorced.

Then, the impossible happened.

He asked me if I free on Saturday night.

It's better if I write it like a play scene.

START SCENE

Cissa: (shifts uncomfortably)"Uh...yeah, actually I am. going to see They Might Be Giants at Mohegan."

Hot Guy: "Cool. I was gonna ask if you wanted to go see them with me." (note: he liked TMBG *Squee*)

Cissa: (gives a blank stare...she realizes he's waiting for a response.) "Uh...well, I'm uh, going with my friend, but uh, yeah maybe I will see you there."

Hot Guy: "Cool. Maybe I can buy you a few drinks."

Cissa: "Yeah, maybe....well it was nice seeing you....*thinks for a sec*...David, right?"

Hot Guy: "Yeah. Hey, can I get your number?"

Cissa: (blink. blink. blink-blink-blink-blink.) "No, sorry, I'm married."

Hot Guy: "oh...ok....so...that's a no?" (gives pouty face that makes Cissa want to jump him and throw him on the stacks of blank notebooks and show him a good time - she resists the urge)

Cissa: "Yeah, as much as I wish it wasn't, it's a no."

Hot Guy: "Well, I'll look for you Saturday."

Cissa: "Uh yeah..great! Bye!" (Cissa practically RUNS from the MEGA-SMOKIN-HOT guy)

END SCENE

I know...I can scarcely believe it myself either. I was seriously waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell me I was Punk'd or something. Or the guy from Candid Camera. Or Dick Clark and Ed McMahon from Bloopers and Practical Jokes. Really.

But hell, if this guy shows up on Saturday? You bet your ass I'm getting some free drinks!

Stay tuned to find out what happens! (as will I, since it's only Thursday)
~Cissa

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

I just had a "Twilight Moment"

From the New London Day.....

The investigation was done by Officer Edward Cullen Jr. and Detective John Fiore, the department's senior accident reconstructionist.

I nearly had a heart attack and then started laughin my ass off....Misk, who's home on his lunch break now thinks I am a bit crazier than before...hehe

If you don't get the reference, GO READ TWILIGHT, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn all by Stephenie Meyer.

THAT IS ALL!

~Cissa

UPDATE: After reading another article, I came across this....

One of those who spotted Vorters through a window with the sword during the 2 a.m. incident was First Selectman Ed Haberek, who was riding along with officer Edward Cullen Jr. for the evening.

Really, I think I am going to hunt Officer Cullen down....



Monday, August 04, 2008

What a long strange trip it's been.....

...so, I didn't get the job. I'm OK about it though.....it wasn't meant to be apparently.

I appreciate that you all left messages of encouragement on Twitter, and email and comments. I just didn't have the time to answer back. I had one hell of a weekend.

Thursday, my kids had their school and sports physicals. That meant a great chunk of my day was spent at the NACC. Kaity got 5 shots, but she did great. She even asked them for sticker for her sister so Emily wouldn't be jealous. how sweet!

Friday...well Friday I was up at 8 am, so I could be at Borders before 9 am so I could get my wristband for the Breaking Dawn release party....I met with Brandi & Kerri and my kids, and was first in line! woot! As I was leaving, Brandi asked if I wanted to go with her to Lake Compounce, her treat. I was up for it, as long as I was at Borders by 10 PM, so we changed, packed some towels, and headed there. After an incredibly crazy drive (high speeds, unfamiliar area, me the defensive driver do not make a good combo) we had a great day of rides, food, water fun, then headed back (I let Kerri drive home cause I hate driving at night) and I literally dropped the kids, flew into a change of clothes and headed out to Borders!

I met Brandi and Kerri again at Borders and we hung out until 12:01, when I got my book, flew home and started to read Breaking Dawn at about 12:30. I finally passed out around 5:00 am and slept til 12pm, when Misk decided that I should be woken up because he wanted to go to lunch. I sent him and the kids off, and read some more, after many interruptions from the kids, I finally was able to finish the book.

If you have read any of the Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer, you will understand that this was the most anticipated book sine the last Harry potter. I am still, 3 days later, processing everything that happened in Breaking Dawn. My Lord & Lady, it was AWESOME!!

I got a call from Brandi about our Saturday night plans, showered, and headed out to meet the Ladies. We had dinner, then went back to Brandi's to change, gussy up and headed to Shrine, the newest nightclub at MGM grand at Foxwoods. It was smaller than I was anticipating, but there was no lack of good looking people, male and female, and I was feeling particularly...uncomfortable about my size, until about halfway through the night, and after about 5 drinks that I finally stopped giving a damn, and danced my little heart out.

Apparently the key to attracting guys to dance with is confidence (something I tend forget after being married for almost 10 years), because after that I was dancing with attractive men all night long. It was a definite boost to my ego, and I had such a good time! Erin got extremely tipsy, and we all had a lot of laughs on the way home at each other's expense, because we all were flying high from the night. We finally got to bed about 3 am, with Erin deciding that talking until she passed out, in her groggy state, was the way to go hehe (sorry Erin, I had to mention it!)

Sunday morning, we were actually all up by about 9:30am, but after 5 women are up, showered, and out the door, it was nearly 10:45 and we still had to go to the store for food for the Lughnasadh Sabbat Ritual. The location was a 1 1/2 hour drive from there, so, by the time we finally got there, got started and started the ritual it was nearly 2. I was asked to be a "maiden" to invoke one of the Elements, and I was honored. I invoked Air from the East. It was a powerful ritual, and I thoroughly enjoyed it, as per usual. After the ritual was our usual feast and hanging out, and by the time we left it was 7:30 PM, then another 1.5 hours back to Brandi's and another 45 minutes home (I had to stop and get Misk and the kids dinner because he was too damn lazy to drive the 1.5 miles to KFC).

After arriving home, it was about 9pm, and I was just too tired to update, so I watched Army Wives with Misk and went to sleep...and that brings us to the here and now :)

So that was my weekend. Crazy but absolutely loads of fun. The job search continues today, and hopefully, I will find a few prospects :)

Have a great Monday, all!

~Cissa