Sunday, February 24, 2008

Trying to keep a view, and I don't know if I can do it....

Well, Hubby's checked off the boat, checked into Squadron and checked out on Medical Leave.

He had his surgery on Thursday morning and is doing moderately well. The doctor told us that the nodes had indeed grown back on the ligament, and that it was probably the best decision Hubby made to keep pressing for Surgery.

Now the healing begins. And my sanity goes out the window.

In the mean time, all of my friends are going through Deployment. They don't feel like they can talk to me much, and who can blame them? My husband isn't gone like theirs is. I am sure jealousy and resentment are rampant in the Boat Wives, well those who actually know I'm "gone"...

I am passing the reins to "My Vice President" Nicky. I have complete faith that she can continue to carry out our original goals for the Boat Wives, which was to have a friendly, comfortable, welcoming atmosphere, while trying to support our sailors. I will miss the camaraderie, even if there was a little drama....

I have a lot more time on my hands, and so am beginning to work on a project I started on last deployment. I will donate it to the Boat Wives. I hope I finish it in time.

Tomorrow is "turn-over" with Nicky. Everything will go to her then. It will be bittersweet.

I am already feeling lonely. I hope the friends who said they will stay in contact with me follow through....

Friday, February 15, 2008

Numb From Shock

Hubby is getting off his boat.

He's getting his surgery.

He's off the boat.

No More Boat.....and all that it entails for me as President of the Boat Wives.

Holy Shit.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Happiness Is/Is Not....

Happiness is waking up with no pain!

Last night I slept on our new bed. it was heaven. I woke up feeling so much better than I have in ages. I can't wait to go to bed tonight!

Hubby hasn't tried out the bed yet...but I know he will love it. This is my one happiness this week....

Happiness is not living with my mother. I am not sure I will be able to work the job I have for much longer, due a number of reasons. The first being that I have given my mother a hard stop date of June 1st to be out of our house. It's cruel I know, but June will be 12 months she will have been with us. She was only supposed to stay a couple months to get back on her feet, and she has done nothing to help herself. I am kicking her out, and call me cruel, but I do not need to be in this situation anymore. My husband and children as well as myself are as unhappy as we can be in our own home. My mother knows we are miserable, but cares not for my marriage and life happiness, only her own survival -- and that is dependent on myself and my husband. I no longer wish to be her caretaker. I am done. I would rather be married for the next 45 years and be happy than be miserable taking care of a woman who barely took care of me yet feels the need to encroach me with the responsibility of being her sole source of survival instead of getting up off her lazy ass and being a woman and doing it herself.

Yesterday, I woke to discover she had broken my laptop...the one that is not even 6 months old...the one that I love and never get to use because out of the goodness of my heart I let her play her games on it....and now the bloody thing won't turn on. Needless to say, I am very angry.

Anyway, so when she gets the hell out of my house. I don't know that I will have anyone to watch my children when I work this summer. So I either need to find someone fast, or I will have to quit my job. It not like I make a ton of money, and the whole purpose of me getting a job was to help pay for food and things for the 5th person in our house who will be gone. So maybe it will all be for the best....except I don't want to quit...I like making the extra money....*sigh*

Is it sad that I have to use the internet to get all my true feelings out? That I can't say this to my mother? Probably...I used Hubby as a scapegoat for giving her the Deadline of June 1st. I said he said he wanted her out by then. I made it sound nice by telling her that we'll be moving sometime in the fall, and that he did not want her stranded like last time we took her in.

I have extreme guilt. I keep thinking life would be so much easier if she just passed away. I am a terrible person for thinking that.....but I just wish I were rid of her. You all must think I am a monster for wanting her out of my life, but honestly, she really didn't do much for me in my life....and hasn't done anything but drain me dry emotionally and financially 2 times in the last 10 years.....she doesn't want to take care of herself, she want others to take care of her. Never in her whole life has she been able to successfully do it, so she leeches onto others. Luckily I have the foresight that this is did my father and I now understand WHY he left us 30 years ago, and I actually don't harbor the anger about it I used completely odd is that??

I am so unhappy all the time. I know my happiness will come back when I am free in my own home once more.

Even if everyone will think I am a bad daughter, I have to cut my ties. I hope when the time comes for Judgment, God will understand and know my mother's true nature and why I have to do this...

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Drowning in Boxes ....Floating on a New Mattress!

This is the sight in my kitchen as you walk down the stairs this morning:

This is a mere 4 ft away to the left:

The bag has another box and about 10 t-shirts and 10 bags of cards and large notepad paper with written messages on it. Moving on.....

Turn the corner and walk into the kitchen and you are assaulted with this sight:

Another 10 feet reveals my laundry room is also a victim of boxes and bags:

And this isn't counting the approximately 10 boxes in the garage.....

This is what I have been doing for the last month. It is a sure sign that Deployment is on the horizon. Personally I can't wait for the day I take all this crap down to the boat and am rid of it. Talk about stressing me out. I have questioned the stupidity of humans more than once in the last 14 days. I swear, people really are idiots. And they make more out of something than nothing. All this stuff is not as hard as they have made it. really , it isn't. Common sense just has left the building that is these people's brains. I really am gobsmacked at how a simple concepts or two can be misconstrued in so many different ways.....

On a side note, Nessa, I eagerly await your package. It will be nice to get something for myself than boxes for sailors!

The tax return is coming. Hubby says we can get an actual BED and a new matress. We're going King size! woot....

The bad part? I have all Queen bedding stuff.....gonna have to buy some stuff to replace this!

Linens n' Things here we come!!

As soon as the boxes are gone that is!