I will follow you into the dark....- Part 2

....and so the long 10 minute drive began to the Emergency Care clinic near our house. In retrospect, I should have gone to the actual hospital, but honestly, I didn't think I could take an even longer ride.

We got there, and Misk helped me again to walk into the ER. They took me straight into Triage, and took my pulse, temp, and blood pressure. I recall seeing 147 /85. They made me take it again. They wanted me to stand. And the fucking thing just about squeezed my arm to sleep. This time it said 136/78 I dunno if either of those are high, but those were probably the highest BP numbers I have ever been. I usually am somewhere in the 105/70 range. Even 9 months pregnant and in labor, my BP never went over 110/75, but anyway...

The nurse told me she wanted me to go over to the lab for blood and urine, and I looked at her like she had 3 heads. She wanted me to walk somewhere else?? Luckily she got me a wheelchair, and I covered my face, embarrassed, knowing there were other sick people here. The pain was a little less now, still burning, but it was more like.....an ache with a burn, than anything else.

I got blood taken by the most awesome hemo-tech ever. I barely felt the needle go in my arm. Perhaps it was the fact that I had been having unbelievable pain like I never knew before for nearly a half hour prior, but the needle barely registered for me, and I was grateful. I hate needles. However, there was no way I had to pee. I drank 2 cups of water and managed to get a little for the stupid little cup, but it still took a while.

During this time, the pain began to abate in small stages. I wasn't shaking, the burning had definitely decreased, and it was more of the achieness being prominent. I began to apologize over and over to Misk, telling him how I feared this was nothing, and how I had probably over reacted and I was wasting his and Nicky's time. He promptly told me that had I not agreed to go to the hospital, he would have picked me up and carried me to the car, that's how worried he was.

We were sitting in the waiting room for a while, and it was taking forever for them to call me. Misk was complaining about the time, and I looked up, and honestly? We had only been there an hour, this was not bad. I was able to talk somewhat normally, the burning sensation returning from time to time, but not nearly as bad as it had earlier. It was not agonizing, just painful. I got very cold at one point, as the A/C was cranked up and I was in a tank top and thin capris, and Misk went out to the van and got me my fall jacket.

Finally we were called back, and they told me I had to get into a gown. This did not please me at all, but I did it anyway. I think wrapped my coat around my feet, since it was friggin freezing. Another half hour or so of waiting and finally the doctor came in. She asked all these questions, and I answered, explained to her the pain, how I knew it wasn't gas or heartburn, as I had experienced those, it also didn't sear across my whole upper abdomen if I had either of those.

She said it wasn't my appendix or my gall bladder, which was good, because that's what I thought it actually was.

Her conclusion? I had an acid reflux attack. I needed to go on a medication for it, and cut out a lot of my foods such as...soda, caffeine, chocolate, alcohol, fat, acidic foods. This pretty much meant that my Friday nights will be shot, and I will be eating salad, tuna, chicken and certain cereals for the rest of my life. This did not thrill me, but I took the prescription, and went home.

Feeling like a giant idiot. having wasted Misk's and Nicky's time over something so stupid.

To be honest, I was going to take the doctor's diagnosis at face value. After talking to Brandi later that night, I decided that I was going to call my doctor today and get a second opinion, because I am apparently in a window for possible heart issues, and it possible I was having a mild heart attack.

My appointment is at 4:10 pm, and I don't care if I have to take the kids with me, I am going.

Because not being able to have spaghetti sauce, or pasta, or any fried foods at all, ever again? Soooo not gonna work for me. I want a second opinion, damn it. And if the doctor I have had for the last 2 years tells me that that's what it was, I will believe him. And then I will do what is recommended, which will totally alter our whole family's eating lifestyle, and I will be damned if I will do that on just one person's say.

4:10 isn't coming fast enough...

And I am alive. After some schedule changes from Nessa though e-mails on Friday afternoon, we had decided to go to the Sunday show for They Might Be Giants. And the show was awesome. Nessa and I had a blast! So did Zbabygirl, who hadn't been out of the house much since having her baby 3 weeks ago. It was a good night....and I even had 2 glasses of wine...and felt totally fine after!

Thanks to all of you for your concern. I really am fine, as far as I know, so please don't worry, ok? It was nice to see so many of you cared!

~Cissa

I will follow you into the dark....- Part 1

So I know, you guys must think I am just lazy, but I swear on the Goddess and God, that last night, I had every intention of pre-posting Sumptuous Sunday .....until about 5:30 last night, that was the plan...you are warned this might be a little TMI, but hey, that's me.

I was reading Breaking Dawn again, so that I could reevaluate things, as I am prone to do. It was in my bedroom and I was laying sideways facing the lamp on my right side. I started to feel some pain in the muscle right beneath my breasts, usually where the underwire of my bra sometimes digs in. not thinking anything of it, I turned to my back, and the burning began. I tried to ignore it and managed a few more sentences, then decided to sit up and read. The burning pain became worse, searing across my upper abdomen/lower chest. I stood up and staggered into the office across the hall.

I tried to explain to Misk about my pain, but I was becoming short of breath and the pain was increasing, so I stumbled back into my bedroom and tried to move into various positions to make the pain abate. Nothing worked, my pain only increased. It felt like something had exploded in my body. Misk asked if I wanted antacids, I shook my head gasping out that I wasn't able to barely breathe, let alone swallow something. He asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I shook my head and gasped out "NO! NO DOCTORS!"

Then the pain, which I thought was bad before, decided to explode even more. I collapsed on the floor, writhing in agony, tears came to my eyes, and all I could do was wail and moan in pain. This was it, my final straw.

"OK.... Hospital" I managed out in between shallow breaths. "Nicky....Need to call Nicky....to watch the kids...."

Misk got the phone for me, and I moaned that I could not remember her number. Misk, luckily, is a smart man, and looked through the caller ID until he found it, it dialed. Nicky picked up.

"Nicky! I need your help..." my voice wavered and I gasped again.

"Oh my god, What's the matter??"

"Burning..pain...need hospital...need you...to watch the kids...."

"I'm on my way. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"OK" and I hung up.

At this point I realized I had taken my bra off, probably when I first was feeling pain. I then realized I was not going to the hospitals with my boobs hanging loose. I might have been dying, but I wouldn't show up like some classless white trash, even if it did kill me. I managed to get the bra on and Misk helped me down the stairs, me wailing all the while. As far as memory serves, it reminded me of being in labor, only the pain was too high, and this was a burning explosion....maybe it was my voice the way I was wailing and moaning...it was the only way I could deal with the pain, and convey how much of it I was in.

Misk got me to the car, walking me slowly, my agony even more pronounced when the warmth of the inside of the car hit me. I could barely breath as it was, now he was sticking me in a fucking oven?? If I had been able to, I would have slapped him....instead I begged him to open the windows. I was profusely sweating at this point as well, I could feel my tank top sticking to my back, the dampness of the back of my head as well. Whether from the pain or the heat, I am not sure. But the pain was not going away, and the heat was not helping, that's all I knew.

Nicky showed up right about then. Time still is blurry about that, and Misk told her the kids were out playing, they would be back, etcetera. I glanced in her direction, but wouldn't look at her, I don't even know why, I just knew I couldn't look her in the eye, but the half-second I did, I am pretty sure she saw the pain, terror, and fear in my eyes.

I could only think in abstracts, and one of my dominant thoughts was "I am dying".

Because pain like this only happens when you are dying, right?



And now, because this we seem to be at a good place to stop, I will....obviously am not dead, but I really need to take a break typing and do some cleaning.

~Cissa

A remedy for all your ills at the Lost & Found....

I cannot find my ditty bag.

I have been tearing this house apart trying to find it.

Oh yeah, ditty bag...that's military for "Toiletries Bag".

I had this really nice one that came with a luggage set that I got when I went to Florida back in October. It hangs on a self contained hook and has organize nooks and crannies, etc. It's really cute. Last I saw it was back in December when I spent the night at Nessa's. But it's gone now, and I am freaking out.

It has stuff I left in it, you see. Things that I specially selected for my anal retentive self for trips overnight. I have this huge fear of running out of something I will need on a trip, even an over night one. Granted, Nessa live litterally, right down the street from a CVS and Wal-greens and a Wal-mart even. Hell i bet she even has stuff of her own I can use!

But I am still freaking out.

Come to think of it...I haven't seen that little gym bag it came with either....last I saw that I was with Nicky...hmmm...maybe it's in the garage...

But I am entirely too tired to look for it now. I would have to go downstairs to the garage. At night. With bad lighting...into a garage filled with total CRAP...yeah..so I am thinking I will wait until tomorrow when it's daylight. I will save the risk of falling and breaking my neck. Plus I might actually find it tomorrow.

If it's not in there, there's only one other place it could be -- in Maine with my mother. I truly hope it isn't. I mean not that I mind really, but if she did borrow it, some warning might have been nice so that I did not freak out like I am now...and could have at least emptied it before she took it.

I guess I will just wait and see.

In the mean time, I must stop with the packing and get some sleep.

I bet that Diet Coke I just drank while I freaked out isn't going to help that. Damn...

Have a great rest of your week, folks.

~Cissa

No knows what it's like to be me....

Can't talk, must clean. Must pack, must work, must unload groceries and care for sick Kaity...

no time no time.

I've already had one breakdown today, i feel another coming up because I sat down for 10 min break.

more tomorrow -- sorry folks

~Cissa