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Saturday, April 22, 2006

Mae's Story: Part 2

It took me a while to get over just relaying the non-exciting part of things this morning. Now at 10pm at night, I am writing again. My throat is closing up, and my stomach has dropped. I feel nervous to talk about things next.

I will tell you that things are a little hazy. Not everything may make sense, because quite honestly, I can't remember it all. But I will do my best....

So we waited, and waited. Finally the contractions started to get heavy and painful. if you've never given birth in the conventianal way, or are a man, I will do my best to explain. ok. Imagine if you will (if you are a woman) your WORST menstrual cramps. Now multiply that by oh...we'll say 20...OW. They fucking hurt. Contractions were not fun. I distinctly recall that before I started asking for drugs, as the contractions were first beginning to get heavy, Hubby's dad called into the room. Hubby talked to him a few minutes, then I guess Dad wanted to talk to me. So here I am, trying to breathe through contractions, and trying to carry on a coherent conversation on the phone with my father-in-law. I am pretty sure sometime after that, I asked for my first dose of narcotics.

The doctor or nurse, not sure which one, kept coming in to check the cooter and see how effaced I was and if I was dialating. I was maybe maybe 3 cm dialated, but efacing nicely. They crnked up the pitocin. Oh yeah, THEN I asked for the first shot of drugs....I know at one point, two of Hubby's boat buddies, and friends of mine too, Eppie and Chris came in. Here I was, in a hospital gown, in labor, loopy on drugs, no bra. yeah, I am sure I was a sight to see. It was very nice for them to come visit though. Atthat point it was mid afternoon, I think, and still not dialated much, I turned to Debbie and realized the Sub Ball was that night. SHe assured me that if I hadn't delivered by a certain time, she wasn't going. I was happy. I need her, though I didn't realize how much I would until much, much later.

I remember the drugs wearing off and me getting the 2nd dose of narcotics. Looking back I wish I had rode out the 1st dose longer. I remember being checked again, and still no change in dialation, btu the baby was doing OK. So sometime around 6 or 7 the nurse told me to take a nap. I was pretty tired. Oh wait, I have to point out that sometime I ended up getting the epidural. I can't recall anything about when though. I do recall making sure to tell the Anestesiologist NOT to explain what he was doing as he did it (standard procedure). I didn't want to hear about it. "Just do it, and tell me when it's over. If you tell me what you're doing when you do it, I will get squirmy. We both know that's bad." He complied with my wishes....

So...I slept about oh, 45 minutes to an hour. I was checked again. I was at 6 cm!! The nurse told me to take another nap, because me relaxing seemed to work! so I napped again. I woke up again maybe an hour later. I was at 9 cm! YAY!! FINALLY!! I still was on the epidural, but I had an odd sensation. I looked at my friend Debbie. *THIS IS GRPAHICLY DESCRPTIVE - FEEL FREE TO JUMP OVER THE CONVO TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH*

"This is going to sound weird..." I started out. I could feel myself blushing just with the thought.

"What is it?" She looked a bit concerned.

"Well...honestly? I feel like...like I have to go to the bathroom. And I'm not talking peeing. Like I really really need to ...you know...poop. A lot. "

I was probably a beet by then. Discussing bodily functions is not something I am comfortable with. Still not. My face is red now, and all I am doing is typing.

"Oh! Oh!" She exclaimed. "That's good! That means you want to push!"

"What??" I cried in disbelief. "You're telling me, that when people say you feel like you need to push, it really feels like you have to take the biggest dump in your life?? Why doesn't anyone ever TELL you that beforehand? I've been expecting an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT sensation!! You know, someone shoudl REALLY write this in those books..." I was rambling by now. I was pissed. I still really feel like the books/magazines need to be more descriptive.

So, if you are preganant for the first time, or trying to be, now you know "Feeling like you have to push" = "Feeling like you have to poop a cow". Continuing....

So my contractions were coming fast and hard. The epidural was wearing off. The nurses were having me try practice pushes. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I just knew I wanted to push. They were making me breathe through one, then push through one. I remember saying to the nurse, in a very mean tone "What do you mean DON'T PUSH!! I WANT TO PUSH!!" I was probably muttering some nasty language too at this point. And I am guessing I was breaking Hubby's hand. And probably Debbie's. I was scared though. And then the Doc came in and told me something not good.

"The baby's heartbeat is racing and then slowing down when you push. That's why we are not letting you push so much, we think something's wrong." At this point, I remember telling them to give me a c-section. I was begging them, but they kept saying no. The doc said she was going to vaccuum her out, because she was getting worried. They tried 3 times with the vaccuum. Each time, a big clump of dark hair would come out, they couldn't get the damn thing to stick. It gets fuzzy right about now....

I remember them wheeling me into the delivery room. I remember that they knocked the gurney/bed into a wall and I screamed in agony. No more pain meds, no matter how much I begged. I remember sometime, in that delivery room, looking straight into Hubby's eyes and saying...

"I hate you! I hate you! I am never doing this again!" Two seconds later...

"I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry! I just want her out!" I have to stop for a minute............ok tears wiped...

I remember they got her head out using forcepts. Next thing I know, another doctor is up on the side of the bed, pushing on my stomach, trying to twist her inside of me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, but was actually about 5 minutes, she was out.....it was 2:19 AM on April 23rd, 2000. I didn't hear anything...no crying...they were bringing her to a table on the other side of the room.....

"She's not crying. I don't hear her crying! What's happeneing? Why isn't she crying? What's happeneing?" I asked about 50 times. I looked at Hubby. "Why isn't she crying? What's going on? SOMEBODY TELL ME SOMETHING!!!!!!" I have to stop again.......................

Finally a nurse came over. I think it was a nurse. I know it was a woman.

"She's not breathing. Her cord was wrapped around her neck twice, and she got stuck inside of you. You tore very badly and we have to stitch you. We're trying to get her to breathe again." All I could do was cry. Hubby was crying. Debbie was crying. I was wailing over and over "Please God, make her cry! I just want to hear her cry!" Stopping...........................

At 2:34 AM They stopped trying. She was gone. They couldn't bring her back.

It was Easter Sunday. April 23rd 2000.

Her name is Ruth Mae Hughes. She is my little Mae Flower.

9 flame(s) added to the fire:

Mimi said...

I am crying too hon. I love you.

JaneyGrrrl said...

I remember the moment when I first heard the news.

Donna called me. I felt such a rush of joy when I heard the words "Cissa had the baby..." and then destroyed when the most bright and beautiful words were followed by the word "but..."

My heart has ached for you ever since. Even now my heart is breaking for you and, well, you know I'm crying too.

You were only allowed a fraction of a moment in time with your beautiful angel, Mae, and it's something that you may never understand until you meet her again, but I do know she had a very important job to do. If nothing else, you can look at Emily and Kaity's faces every day and know that they were chosen in heaven by the little girl that didn't have nearly enough time with her momma.

I'm always here for you. you know that. I love you.

martie said...

This is a heart-breaking story. My daughter lost a baby during one of her pregnancies in the 5 month. She posted about it on her blog a while back. We will never get over the loss of the little boy she named Owen. A small comfort to us is that he is buried on top of my daughter's birth father.

My heart goes out to you for this loss of your little one. May God comfort you!

Dr.John said...

Again it must have been hard for you to tell the story. O pray that telling it has given you some release.

Vanessa said...

I love you, Cissa. You are so strong.

Kodijack said...

I rarely, if ever, cry. But I did after reading this post. Long live the memory of your little Mae Flower.

flameskb said...

God, this has GOT to be the most difficult experience anyone ever had to live through.... The loss of a child... I laud you for writing it down....
Sending you big hugs

bilingualblahgirl said...

You made me cry too, Cissa. Although I've known you for 5 or 6 years, I don't think I've ever heard the story in such detail. Must have been hard for you to recall it all. Thanks for sharing and all the best for you and your family!

Bellarosa said...

I am crying for you as well, what a heartbreaking experience!