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Thursday, June 05, 2008

My horrible night...not for the faint of heart....or animal lovers...

It was just a normal night for me. I worked, and had just clocked out, lit a cigarette and began driving the 3 1/2 miles to my house from work. As it's nighttime, I drove the speed limit. I have poor depth perception in the dark, and didn't want to risk an accident. I'm funny like that.

Then it happened. A deer, a doe actually I think, bound out from the woods in front of my van, and I hit it, hard.

It flew, hit the ground and skidded, on it's side, a good 25-30 feet, as best as I can estimate.

I screamed and slammed my brakes, pulled over the side of the road and slammed the gear shift into park. I looked at the poor thing, still visible in my headlights, and somehow thought to hit my hazard lights. I prayed aloud that it was already dead and not suffered.

To my utter horror, it flailed a bit, made a bleating type noise that will be ingrained in my mind for some time to come, over and over, for a good 5 minutes before finally lying still. I burst into tears.

My hands shaking, trembling, hard, I reached for my purse and tried to search for my cell phone. I was shaking so hard, my mind in shambles, I couldn't locate it for a good minute or so. Finally my hand grasped it and I pulled it out of the vast black hole that is my handbag, flipped it over. I was faced witha black screen and cried even harder. Hands shaking so hard I could barely find the power button I cried out "please don't be dead, phone, please let me make one call!" It turned on, gave me the low battery message and I fumbled to find the number for Home.

Just as it rang once, the phone died again. I cried out loud again, screamed, really, I think. It's a bit blurry, even though, almost 2 hours later, I try to remember.

I put my arms on my steering wheel and wailed. I cried, hard. I am not sure how long I cried there in my car. I had killed a precious creature of this world. My poor vision had not enabled me to see the deer fast enough. Though looking back now, in my numbing shock (what Misk says I am in) I don't think it could have been prevented.

I somehow stopped shaking enough to drive home. Slowly. I turned off the car, apparently, leaving my lights on, and stumbled into the house and up the stairs. I almost made it to the top, before I called for Misk, collapsed, and wept. I cried so hard, my chest, stomach and throat hurt. I sobbed out choking on my own words to Misk to tell him what had happened. My mother came up the stairs, and tried to comfort me, but the guilt overwhelmed me. I somehow made it into my bedroom, where I cried more. Misk went away and came back. I think he turned off my headlights. I know there is damage to my front end, I glanced at it as I made my way back to my house, eyes blurred by my tears.

I am a murderess. I have killed another creature on this planet that gave no harm to myself.

In this numb moment, I am going to say something I may regret later. But I can't hold it in.

I am a Pagan. I am Wiccan. I am a WITCH.

I value the earth, I try to live in peaceful harmony with all of this earth's creatures. I worship a God and Goddess. I believe in preserving life, specially in nature. We have something called the Wiccan Rede: An it no harm, do what you will.

I have harmed. I have killed. I have made another creature suffer, and it tears my heart out of my chest.

After a bit, I finally calmed down. I am numb. I feel a tremendous weight of guilt. Even if I had no way to prevent it, I still inflicted harm on this innocent creature and caused its death.

Two glasses of wine have not softened the blow of what has happened. I just can't bring my body to react anymore. It's a blank. My mind however, will probably be haunted by the horrible images of watching that deer suffer and die for what seems like an eternity of pain.

It seems so melodramatic to some of you I am sure. To me, it is not, it is something that has impacted me greatly, and I think the tirade of guilt and sorrow I will be carrying inside of me will likely make me quite morose in the days to come.

this post is a downer. but it's my outlet.

tomorrow I assess the damage and decide if it is bad enough that I need to call my insurance company.

That stimulus check from the IRS better fucking come. I need it more than ever.

~Cissa

7 flame(s) added to the fire:

jeopardygirl said...

Cissa,

I have been through the same experience (only I was a child passenger, not the driver), so I can understand the panic, fear and (to an extent) the guilt of striking such a beautiful creature.

You did not intend to hit a deer and kill it, so I hope you will not feel you have betrayed your Wiccan beliefs. As with any spiritual tenets I have ever seen, intent is crucial. Had you been able to see it, had you been able to stop in time, you would have. It was an accident. Sweetheart, don't hang on to the bad feelings.

I hope the damage to your car isn't too bad. My father's truck was a total write-off in our case.

metalmom said...

I agree with jgirl. Your beliefs have not been compromised. You didn't commit murder.(Murder implies intent) Sweetie, I'm so sorry that you have to endure the pain and guilt.It boils down to fate.

Tink said...

Thank you for letting me know about this, and I'm glad I had the chance to speak to you on the phone about this. In time, this shall pass.

Bee said...

It's sad but it happens often around wooded areas. Just think how it could have been worse and you are so very lucky.

Since this post was from yesterday, I'm hoping the damage wasn't too bad.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know that I love you, girl. I'm sorry about the deer, but I hope you've realized that you shouldn't blame yourself. You are a fabulous woman, and you have so many people who love you. You are wonderful!

Erin

hello haha narf said...

there is no way to properly convey how much i hate that you had to go through this. not quite 10 years ago i hit a squirrel and killed it instantly, but i cried for hours. completely different than your recent experience, yet i can appreciate how torn up you might be. please consider what others have already said, murder is intent and this was an accident. a terrible, horrible, awful accident.

i'm so thankful that you are safe.

becky

Karl said...

Aw, that sucks. Totally not your fault, though.