Monday, November 14, 2005

Pity Party for Myself

I feel like I am at a standstill. I have no motivation to do anything. Seriously. I don't care to get out of my pyjamas, clean, cook, write, or deal with anything really. I feel like a wave of Apathy has knocked me under the surface and I am drowning in it...albeit willingly.

Hubby attributes it to the change in weather. The once warm climate has gotten pretty cold to me. But I find myself not being that affected by it. No, I think my self-depreciation has something to do with the situation I am in with my life.

In no way, I would like to express first and foremost, do I not love my husband or children.

But I am going insane. My children are driving me mad. I haven't gotten much sleep lately, all I do is clean the horrendous messes they make, and clean the house. If I leave this house, it's to go to school, or run errands. I litterally have no time to myself. I know this pattern emerges often. I feel trapped, I feel like my life is nothing because all it is is an endless cleaning spree. Then I get over it and keep doing what I was doing in the first place. Only without the self-pity I have inflicted upon myself for a short time.

I thought maybe writing would help me. It's why I started NaNoWriMo. But it's left me desiring my life pre-kids. I feel like I am a selfish person for having these thougths, but I don't know what to do. So I just continue to live this endless cycle: Wake up 3-4 times a night because of the kids, get up , make kids breakfast, stay down in the diningroom/office/living room so they don't kill each other or totally wreck my house. They end up doing it anyway -- I clean it. Hubby comes home and tells me the house is a mess, even though I cleaned all day, and dealt with kids. He tells me I am too soft with them because by 5 pm when they start to scream, I immediately jump up for them. He tells me to ignore it. IF YOU HEARD NOTHING BUT SCREAMING CHILDREN ALL DAY WHAT WOULD YOU DO???? My ears and brain can only take so much before I just want it to stop. Why can't he see that? Why do I feel like the whole fucking world is against me when it comes to just having a little bit of peace?

Even now, while trying to compose this pathetic blog entry, while whinging about my miserable and repetitive lifesyle, I had to stop 3 times. Once, my 2 year old decided MARGERINE would be a lovely way to decorate the house, and I didn't catch it in time. My 4 year old just LET HER spread margerine all over the floor, coffee table, furniture -- everything. It took me nearly 35 minutes to clean it all. Then I had to bathe the child. Then one wanted juice. Then the other wanted a snack. And here I am, stopped once more, because a juice cup is thrust into my face, nealy knocking my glasses off (I usually put my contacts in when I get dressed).

Damn it, I need a vacation. Just a few days away from the kids. PFFFT. Ya know wha I'd do if the friggin' kids weren't here for a weekend? I'd clean. HOW SAD IS MY LIFE????

only 15 years and 7 months until they are both out of my house for good. Only 5 years uneil I can make them both do some of the bigger cleaning and give myself a break fr5m doing EVERYTHING in this damn house.

Unil then, my meaningless existance continues.

2 flame(s) added to the fire:

jeopardygirl said...

I may not have kids underfoot, but I know what you mean about constantly cleaning up after someone, and wishing I could get out of the house and do something for myself for a change. You should TRY to go to at least one of those NaNo meetings, they are actually very helpful.

Laurie said...

Cissa... we all have days and even weeks like that. It's goes with the territory of being a mom.

Don't feel guilty for feeling like you need to get away, or longing for your pre-kid life - that is totally normal!!

But, it sounds like you do need a day or two to yourself - and not to clean. F*ck it, the dust bunnies will still be there when you get back.

Take some time for yourself. Even if it's just an hour or two or three... Enlist hubby, or hire a sitter, but just do it. You'll come back feeling refreshed, and ready to deal with the kids and housework and all that fun stuff. You'll actually be a better mom, because you'll be a happier mom. Does that make sense?

That's what I do - I have to, or I'd go crazy. I have two kids, a big house, a job, and I go to school. So I grab whatever free time that I can for myself, and I do not feel guilty about it. Even if it's just an hour in a bookstore, or a quick spin on my motorcycle - it's for me, and it's my time.

It's good for the soul :-)