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Sunday, September 14, 2008

I've been wrong, I've been down, to the bottom of every bottle ....

My husband has a drinking problem.

It's not that he's violent, or drinks all the time. He binges. And when he does this, he ends up saying things that hurt...even if they are true.

You know the saying "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts?" That pretty much sums up what being with my husband when he is totally wasted is like.

Many many many times over he's "tried" to stop drinking. He'll do well for a little while, then he starts again. Usually this brought on by a stressful time in his life from work.

Not this time. This time, I cannot find a reason why he would start doing this again. I've tried to get him help. I've tried to get him to AA meetings. He refuses, because he hates that at meetings they try to convert you to Christianity. His take on it is he's got his own faith in whatever he believes, thank you very much, and he doesn't want anyone trying to push their beliefs on him. I could take the issue to his command, but I've also tried that in the past. The issue was literally swept under the rug -- twice. Short of aggravating him to the point where he strikes me, which he has never done in the 11 years together and nearly 10 years of marriage, I am helpless. I also do not want to do that becasue I would not ever want him to go to jail, and also The Navy would probably end up discharging him and we'd have no where to go.

I love my husband. I want to help him, I have supported him as best I can. But I am drained.

I have no one to turn to. My friends are all...very busy with their own lives. Thier husbands have come home from deployment, and save for a few 5-10 minute phone calls and the usually short visits of one friend, if that, I have not heard from most my friends in nearly a month. Most of them are moving in a couple months time. The command my husband is in right now has no support system, and he doesn't have any friends that I could meet and get to know their wives.

I'm pretty much alone and on my own. And it's a feeling that makes me filled with dispair.

Don't get me wrong. I love all the time I have with my family. I love my kids and husband. But sometimes, I need a friend. And lately....I don't really have any. Sure I have friends and acquaintences on the internet, I've seen that through the comments and emails. And it's nice to know.

But right now? I am very alone. And I feel myself getting into a depression that I don't see any way out of. And I am scared. My worst fear in life is to be alone. And lately, I've been facing that fear head-on. And it sucks.

So, that's why I've not been around a lot. That's why I've not been to the radio shows, and commented a whole lot. I'm in the funk, and I don't know what I can do. I'm tired. I don't even see the poitn of trying anymore because, honestly, I'll just end up back here again.

It hurts, ya know? I have been there for my friends when they needed me. We took my friend Nicky out for her birthday back in July. My birthday? I got 2 text messages, comments on my blog after asking for them, and on my Facebook page. No night out on the town. No dinner and drinks. Not even a card (excpet Angie, yes, she did remember but on my actual birthday she was away).

Not one of my friends called. And when I do call my friends, because 90% of the time that's how I end up talking to them, I get the feeling that I am interrupting their happy times with their husbands. And I don't want to do that. Out of respect for them I have stayed away, but in the process I've ended up hurting myself, I guess.

I don't know what else to do. I'm lost, I'm alone.

I feel like I am whining. Maybe I am. but I am at the point where doing anything else almost seems assanine.

And so, I leave you all for a while. I need the prespective of my own life. I'll be lurking, reading blogs through my reader and leaving the occasional comment here and there. But for now....I'm on hiatus.

I wish you all the very best while I am gone.....

~Cissa

6 flame(s) added to the fire:

hello haha narf said...

oh cissa, i just don't even know what to say. i hate that you feel this way, yet i don't know what to suggest to break it.

perhaps play dates with the parents of your girls? maybe throw yourself into taking the kids fun places where you can enjoy yourselves?

i just don't know what to say.

shit.

Poppy said...

You have me to turn to.

He returns to drinking because it is where he is most comfortable. It is his life-long battle... he enjoys it for a while then tries to escape it, but he doesn't need to escape it because nothing is on the line. You help him every time, and I bet other family members do too. He has safety nets.

An alcoholic will always return to their addiction without SEVERE consequences unless they've hit their own bottom... and, still, they need to hit their own bottom.

My mom is a recovering alcoholic, sober since I was 13.

My father still plays the game. I have had to turn my back on him, he is too toxic for my life.

Cissa, I am here if you need to talk. I know the truth hurts, and I know it's impossibly hard to make the conditions clear to your husband that will result in him making the choice of you and the kids OR the drink, not both.

You don't deserve to be treated how you are treated. It is your choice to stay. It is his choice to continue his roller coaster. It is your choice to ride it.

It all sucks.

And I'm sorry this isn't in any particular order, but I do understand.

You are an intelligent, beautiful, worthy person. Change your behaviors, live the life you want to, do not allow him to be your center. You are your center.

Selma said...

Cissa, I have been reading your blog for a couple of months but haven't commented yet (sorry about that). I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your situation and to let you know you are not alone. I have been married for nearly 18 years. My marriage has almost broken up several times due to my husband's drunken binges. When he has been binging my heart sinks because I know that somehow it will end up being my fault. I veer in and out of depression as a result of his behaviour. I do know what you're going through because although I do have quite a few close friends and family I can turn to, it is difficult to confide in them a) because I don't want to cause them stress and b) because I am frightened that they will hold it against my husband for good.
He is not a bad guy but the alcohol turns him into someone else.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish you all the best. Take care.

cathy said...

Hi there Cissa, I am also new to your blog the past few months but really felt the need to comment. I know exactly what your going thru and the comment "a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts" really rang a bell with me. I grew up in an abusive alcoholic household. My dad was like that and to this day I suffer from self esteem issues directly related to the horrible things he said to me and about me.

I don't know what advice to give you, I just feel so damn bad for your situation cos there is nothing worse than being abused by someone under the influence. It chips away at your whole life, your self esteem, and makes coping incredibly hard.

I don't know how or why my mom stayed with him or how she handled it. all i know is you are worth more than that, as she was.

Sometimes i think the best thing would be to let him fall, no more excuses, no more being his safety net, let him hit bottom and maybe just maybe he will have the wherewithall to pull himself up. He's the only one that can help himself, nothing you can ever do or say will ever make one iota of difference to him.

My father died firmly believing that even with all his health issues, that he SHOULD be able to have a drink if he wanted. He would rather die and did than give it up.


Hang in there honey, your post literally brought me to tears. Belive in yourself, you need that belief more than anything right now.

Lex Valentine said...

I understand what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who has an addiction problem. It's not the easiest place to be. It's a testament to your strength that you're only down sometimes and not all the time. It's really easy to let the darkness creep in 24/7 when you live with so much hanging over your head.

You just have to realize that you are not responsible for him. And you have to carve out time and things for yourself. Lots of people get busy with their lives and don't have time for the people they call family and friends. Even Jester posted about how friends don't call him. People get so busy with themselves and their lives that they forget others.

The worst of them will forget about you yet expect you to be there for them... you have to jettison those people from your life. They aren't really a friend. As for birthdays, I don't have one anymore because I got tired of waiting for something nice to happen to me on that day. My birthday's on a fucking holiday and people can't remember it, or are too busy with the holiday for me. Whatever. I do something nice for myself, even if it's just a $3 eBook.

In fact, I could've tried saving to go to Adam's party and all since it's the day after my b-day... but I decided I wouldn't even buy a raffle ticket for myself to try to win the trip. There are other factors that make the trip impossible so I'll just wish you luck, and hope everyone has a good time. For my birthday, I'm hoping to finish one of my works in process so it can be submitted to a publisher. THAT will be a nice birthday present to me.

It's all about what you can do for yourself. Forget about the others. You can do little things to make yourself happy. You just have to find those things. Hope you feel better soon! *HUGS*

Avitable said...

That really sucks, Cissa. I hope things get better.