Saturday, August 26, 2006

Let's get ready for the party...

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The stupid contractors haven't started on any of the blog changes I mandated earlier this week. How can I work like this? I can feel pink estrogen seeping into my body, making me soft inside, like a woman.

Actually, I kinda like it.

Anyway, we need to plan for Cissa's birthday party. As you can tell from the menacing countdown thingy at the bottom of this and every post, the time draws near. I am not sure what happens to the countdown thingy when it gets down to zero. It probably explodes. I bet I lose an eye.

"Thanks, Cissa! Happy Birthday! I'd love to stay and watch you cut the cake but my eye is hanging by its optic nerve and I'm thinking I better go get it looked at, and then I have to drive to the costume shop and get a friggin' eyepatch. Toodles!"

Notice how I said "friggin'" there? I could have said something else, but I am a guest here and I when I am a guest, I always make sure I am on my absolute best behavior. I feel it is not only common courtesy, but also serves as a valuable example to the young people out there. And after all, it is the young people that are our future, correct?

That's how I fuckin' roll, anyway.

I haven't discussed the party plans with Stu, yet, but I am pretty sure I can speak for him. First of all, I think we can all agree that the party needs to be clothing optional. I may not go all out, but I want to be able to strip down to my leopard print speedo if I feel the urge. Admit it, you're intrigued by that, aren't you?

A speedo and an eyepatch. I'm gonna get more tail than Jude Law.

We're going to need the following:

Three cases of Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine
Two tubs of Crisco
A pin the tail on the donkey game
Five gallons of grain alcohol
Nail polish remover
Four crack whores
Four regular whores
Eight bags of Cheez Puffs
A tube of anal lube
A human sacrifice (preferable a virgin)
A can of Pringles
A cow
Three Zippo lighters
Several small caliber pistols
A tank of nitrous oxide
A Vietnamese spin fuck chair
Eleven blankets
a burro

Plus everyone is responsible for bringing their low standards and diminished expectations.

I'll let Stu get to work on the list. There is no sense wasting a creative thinker on an implementation task.

See you at the party! And shhhhhh. It's a surprise.

10 flame(s) added to the fire:

Stu said...


First, your shopping list reminds me so much of Thompson's list from Part One of Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas: "The sporting editors had also given me $300 in cash, most of which was already spent on extremely dangerous drugs. The trunk of the car looked like a mobile police narcotics lab. We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. All this had been rounded up the night before, in a frenzy of high-speed driving all over Los Angeles County -- from Topanga to Watts, we picked up everything we could get our hands on. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can."

That said, I am so on board!

However, how is it that you believe that an implementation task shouldn't be wasted on a creative thinker and yet you seem to feel comfortable in assigning me the list?

Also, you missed some key items for the list. Obviously ether comes to mind immediately, but what about Nutella, one Bushnell Elite 12.5x 50 mm binoculars, one Hoyt Trykon hunting bow, a case of Jack Link's teriyaki beef jerky, 30 pair of Crocs in assorted colors, and several bags of Sun Maid California Mission Figs.

Obviously this is long enough, and clever enough, to be its own post, but I didn't want to get started on dueling posts, as we'd overwhelm the readers.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Stu, you are absolutely right, man. You are a creative thinker as well. I should have realized that. And you get bonus points for being a HST fan.

Okay. We can get Dr. John to fill the list. That okay with you, Doc?

Pandora Wilde said...

And just WHERE is the Twister game?

I ain't comin' unless there's nekkid Twister. Not even for Nutella.

Bluepaintred said...

A Vietnamese spin fuck chair

i request a picture

If I agree to be the virgin sacrifice will you pay my way out there? its only one way, job or not, you could do it!

Bluepaintred said...

i refuse to type the same freaking comment four freaking times. just imagine what I was trying to say!

Dr.John said...

Non of those items are in stock. Would you settle for a pink frosting ice cream cake.

Megan said...

I'll volunteer to be one of the regular whores. I gave up crack last week.

Can I see a picture of the spin fuck chair?

Cissa, Cissa, Cissa. How can you let this man post on your lovely little blog? You are obviously on drugs or a just a sick, twisted puppy. Either way, I think I'm gonna like you...

Janet said...

It was my first time here, so I wasnt going to comment, but it's good to know the extra pink is just a work in progress. I mean I like pink as much as the next girl, but there has to be too much of a good thing, right?:)

Stu said...

Bravo to all commentors. Amyl Nitrates for everybody!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Yeah buddy! That's why I want to party with Stu!