The stupid contractors haven't started on any of the blog changes I mandated earlier this week. How can I work like this? I can feel pink estrogen seeping into my body, making me soft inside, like a woman.
Actually, I kinda like it.
Anyway, we need to plan for Cissa's birthday party. As you can tell from the menacing countdown thingy at the bottom of this and every post, the time draws near. I am not sure what happens to the countdown thingy when it gets down to zero. It probably explodes. I bet I lose an eye.
"Thanks, Cissa! Happy Birthday! I'd love to stay and watch you cut the cake but my eye is hanging by its optic nerve and I'm thinking I better go get it looked at, and then I have to drive to the costume shop and get a friggin' eyepatch. Toodles!"
Notice how I said "friggin'" there? I could have said something else, but I am a guest here and I when I am a guest, I always make sure I am on my absolute best behavior. I feel it is not only common courtesy, but also serves as a valuable example to the young people out there. And after all, it is the young people that are our future, correct?
That's how I fuckin' roll, anyway.
I haven't discussed the party plans with Stu, yet, but I am pretty sure I can speak for him. First of all, I think we can all agree that the party needs to be clothing optional. I may not go all out, but I want to be able to strip down to my leopard print speedo if I feel the urge. Admit it, you're intrigued by that, aren't you?
A speedo and an eyepatch. I'm gonna get more tail than Jude Law.
We're going to need the following:
Three cases of Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine
Two tubs of Crisco
A pin the tail on the donkey game
Five gallons of grain alcohol
Nail polish remover
Four crack whores
Four regular whores
Eight bags of Cheez Puffs
A tube of anal lube
A human sacrifice (preferable a virgin)
A can of Pringles
Three Zippo lighters
Several small caliber pistols
A tank of nitrous oxide
A Vietnamese spin fuck chair
Plus everyone is responsible for bringing their low standards and diminished expectations.
I'll let Stu get to work on the list. There is no sense wasting a creative thinker on an implementation task.
See you at the party! And shhhhhh. It's a surprise.