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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Nobdy said it was easy, No one ever said that it would be this hard..

Life is throwing everyone a bunch of curve balls, figuratively, right now. Even my "perfect" little world is kinda sucky. I will try my hardest not to complain, because , really, there are people who have MUCH BIGGER ISSUES than me right now.

Here's a little tidbit from my life--

Misk's got some health issues that were brought to light over the last month. He's on like 4 meds, 2 nasal sprays, doctor appointments like at least once a week....and this is mainly NOT for his recovering foot, on which he had surgery 3 months ago....an excerpt from my email yesterday:

Dear Misk,

Hi love, just writing to see how your appointment went with Ear Nose and Throat Doc? I'm dying of curiosity! Hope you are having a good day!

Love You,
Love Me

(background- the Doc who did his annual physical said his blood oxygen levels were low, checked his nose and found it to be almost completely blocked by the septum, hence the low O2 levels...can't get full oxygen out of one nostril you know.)

His Response:
Well the appointment....went....I am getting surgery on my
nose...lol....they are gonna fix it guess. The surgery is going to be in either July or late June. I will be getting about a week of convalescent leave for it also. Anyway that's about all I know. How is you day. I think I am starting to get sick. I feel the sore throat coming on.
Hopefully it will go away though. Talk to you later.
I have two problems with this -- One, UM HELLO! More Surgery! On his nose! My precious Misk's crooked nose! I love his nose, except when it's snoring, and hopefully this will fix that, but still...

Oh yeah, and two? "July or LATE JUNE"?? He cannot have surgery late June. I am going to BrittCon, damn it! He cannot screw this up for me!! Okay, I realize there's no choice in the matter, and he needs the surgery....but I really do not want to miss out because I am taking care of Misk and his nose *le sigh*

Yeah I am complaining. But really it's half hearted. He needs to be well. I know this.

Top this with the fact that my mother is STILL here, and she was supposed to be gone a week ago. He boyfriend in Maine still hasn't gotten his shit together and gotten down here to get her. Misk says we should just buy her a bus ticket and send her on her way. My theory is that if we do that, we are going to leave her with a tie here, a reason, a fall-back; she will still have bags and furniture and a cat here. And I pretty much DO NOT want that. I have enough shit to worry about. I shouldn't have to have to worry about taking care for a 50-year-old woman who is perfectly capable of getting her own life together, but is so used to others taking care of her that she won't....I simply haven't the energy or desire to do it anymore.

So I am stuck in the proverbial rock and a hard place. Do I tell my mother she needs to get out like ASAP? Or do I wait patiently and pray and hope that this "moving to Maine" doesn't fall through? As each day passes, I feel more and more dread that it won't happen. And I am flipping the fuck out internally. The anger is there too. I am angry that I am in this situation, angry at myself, because I put myself there, and angry at my mother for not having the bloody strength to get her shit in gear. I am also angry that my family is suffering. Nobody wants her here anymore. Our downstairs, normally a place of fun and refuge, is avoided as much as possible. How sad is it that we can't even stand to be in our own house? My poor kids, I've done this to them; I've made them hate their home life. I've subjected them to their grandmother who is accusatory, cruel, and selfish, and lashes out at them when they "disturb" her by playing, talking or whatever. It's a vicious circle of anger, and I hate the bad vibes this house gives off. It's killing me inside, truly. I can't even do a ritual cleansing, because she's still here!!

I feel so...guilty, I guess is the word. Ungrateful. Seriously. For blogging about this, and I know many of you will be saying to yourselves "Jeez, doesn't this chick EVER blog about anything else??" Well, at the moment, no, I don't...because I can only focus on 3 things at a time.

Of course, I am worried about a blogger "friend" who is having the worst rough patch possible in her life. I am thinking of another blogger friend who has had to see her hometown in the aftermath of Mother Nature's destruction. Their problems are so much bigger than mine. but for the moment, there isn't anything I can do to help them...and so I sit and brood. And the brooding produces thoughts of my immediate drama in life, and so...I blog about it, because I don't have any other outlet at 9:30 in the morning on a Thursday.

I am trying my best to stay positive and keep myself out of depression, but I feel the walls closing in on my happiness and I am falling...and I am out of ideas to resolve my issues....

I need a miracle...or a winning lottery ticket.....

I hope you all can make it though your week. I need this weekend like nobody's business. I need to get out of here, and I know I will leave my husband and kids behind. But I need to. I need to get away and be CISSA....no...I need to be Heather...because that's the real me....HEATHER

And Heather needs some happiness and freedom from the weight on her heart and shoulders...like ASAP.....

2 flame(s) added to the fire:

metalmom said...

There's not muh that I can do to make things better, but would a hug help?

(((HEATHER)))

tobi said...

Don't hope for the lottery now - then your mom will never leave. Roadtrip. Rent a truck, take a day and move her to Maine. Then win the lottery.