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Saturday, April 15, 2006

Hippidy Hip Hop, Easter's On Its Way....I Wish It Wasn't...


Tomorrow is Easter. We've got everything ready. The baskets are made, although I am considering going to Michaels and getting bigger baskets. The toys I got are overflowing from them, and it seems Emily will have 2...sorta. The Easter Bunny is brining her a helmet for T-Ball and it's got some candy and stuff in it....and when she finds the golden egg, The Bunny has left instructions on where Mom can find her prize -- A T-Ball bat in the shed. Mimi is gonna bring her son out to find a couple eggs too. It'll be a nice little egg hunt. I was up til 1 am filling those damn things...

Easter is my least favorite holiday. To be honest, other than the Bunny coming, we don't really celebrate. Well Hubby and I don't. It's always a bittersweet day for us.

You see, our first daughter died on Easter. And while this year Easter doesn't fall on April 23rd, it's still in April, and only a week before. 7 days...well anyway...so, I am sure you can understand why Easter just isn't a big day for us. Honestly, if we didn't have any more kids, I highly doubt we'd do anything at all. The day my daughter died, I recall distinctly they asked if I wanted a chaplain to come talk to us. Now, this was a big Holy Day. Yeah, I grew up a Christian. Easter was a big day in my house. Still is at my dad's I think. I still am a Christian, but it seemed incredibly ironic that a chaplain would come talk to me on a day that is supposed to be about celebration when this most horrific, grueling, heart-wrenching event had just occured. I wanted nothing to do with him.

My daughter's death was the reason I did not go to church for nearly 3 years after. I was angry at God for taking away my daughter on Easter. I wanted to sue the people who decided what dates are holidays, because of the pain and suffering. I was angry. I still am. I hate this holiday.

Although I will have a smile on my face, and will delight in watching my children hunt for eggs and squeal at their basket of goodies, inside I will be wrenched with heartache and suffering with loss. I will daydream about what my oldest daughter would look like on her 6th Easter. I will wonder if anyone else who was in the hospital delivery room that day will remeber Easter of 2000 with guilt, or remorse, or heartache like me. But most of all, I will wonder why God chose to do His will on a Holy Day of celebration and happiness.

And then I will make it through the day, and wait and wait 7 more days...and then the real pain will begin for that 24 hours.....

4 flame(s) added to the fire:

:P fuzzbox said...

I am so sorry to hear that this tragedy happened to you and your family on this holiday. I will be thinking of you. Take care and take comfort in the love of your family and friends. I wish you all the best.

Dr.John said...

When Bonoffer was asked in the concentration camp by a nasty guard "Where in all this suffering is your God?" Hius answer was the Holy week answer. " My God is hanging on the cross suffering for and with us".
I hope your Easter goes well.

Betty said...

Words can not take away the pain you feel but Easter is the promise that you will be with your baby again forever

Bellarosa said...

I'll be thinking of you today and next week. I am sorry for your loss.