Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Incredibly Average

I have been re-reading my blog posts. It's ironic in my last post I mention that I want the people who teated me like crap thoughout my school years to seeme as a success in some sort of light. I find myself to be incredibly average in so many ways - it's quite sad.

I can sing, yes, but no way would I be in the running for American Idol. I can act, but I don't see any Oscars on my mantle (if I had one of course). I can write, but then I read other blogs, and their writing blows my average little posts away. I know I have the potential of being extrodinary, but as my lot in life often is, I can't seem to get off my ass and excell.

This started early in my life. As an 8 year old, I stopped doing my homwork in school. But I would ace the tests. The teacher thought I was cheating - she moved me to the front so she could watch me. I aced another test. So she made me sit away from everyone else. I aced the next test. She made me stay afterschool. I aced another one. Quite asnnoying really. I knew the stuff, why didn't she get it? Why did I have to prove to her I knew it with homework? It was a waste of time!

I got some testing done at the school department and it was discovered I was practically a genius (IQ of 135 at age 8). My reading level was at 6th or 7th grade. I knew math like it was a little song. They offered to my mom to let me skip a grade so I would be challenged. My mom turned it down. She was afraid of the social implications, afradi I would be an outcast. Too bad she was wrong....I bet I would have ended up a popular person. I always had friends who were older than me. Hell, I married a man 4 years my senior! But it was too later. So, then they (bthey being the beauraucrats that are the department of education in my old city) put me in the "gifted program" in 4th grade. By then it was too late. I hardly ever did my homework. Andf this was when it really started to count. If I had just put the effort in, I could have excelled. But, I'm a procrastinator. to this day, I even put off my housework until the last possible moment in order to do other things. Like blog....and that's what I did most of the rest of my educational life; procrastinated, or didn't do the homework.

So anyway. Incredibly Average. Me.

I am reminded of a M*A*S*H episode in which Hawkeye Pierce gets newspapers form back home about how this "Incredibly Average" doctor he knows of gets all these accolades, grant money for projects, etc. It bothers him to a point where he gets a physical ailment from his annoyance that he could be home in Crabapple Cove pushing this guy ito the dirt. Some days, I see myself as that rival of Hawkeye's -- only I don't get all the incredible offers. Soem days, I feel like Hawkeye, almost: forced into a life that I do excell at, but knowing there's a better opportunity I could be kicking ass at. Not that I hate my life. I love it. I just get the notion that maybe my talents are being wasted. Hell yeah, I can cook, and when I do get into cleaning, I am very thorough....but isn't there more to life than that sometimes?I'm sure there is, but I'm simply too lazy to try. I'm comfortable, and don;t want to put in the effort -- again.

I dunno. I am happy where I am, that's for sure. I could be lying under a dumpster wondering where I will get my next coke fix. I could be divorced, working full time and barely living. I could be six feet under, pushing up dandelions. Things ARE better than they seem. But all this self-reflection makes me feel restless.

I think I'll go cook comething fantastic....I bet I'll feel better abotu myself when I eat it...LOL

And then I'll go do some crunches....

1 flame(s) added to the fire:

jeopardygirl said...

Amen, sister. We are in the same boat a lot of the time...