Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Wood for the Fire

It took the death of my freind's grandmother to make me think about some serious stuff the last couple days....some serious like Soul-searching stuff...

1.) Monday night was the first time I have been in a funeral parlor for almost 6 years. The last time? I was at my own child's was tough, looking at my friends' Gran's casket and not having flashbacks of my own child's funeral. It was hard not to be so sad for other reasons than her death. I need to talk about it...and I April......

2.) My Nana died over 6 years ago. I have been back in New England nearly 9 months. I have YET to go to her grave. How bad of a person am I? My Nana loved me so much, and I loved her so much. Yet I haven't had the decency to pay my respects to her yet? What the hell is wrong with me? This will change. When Hubby returns in a few days, and goes on leave, we're going on a trip to the cemetary. WITH FLOWERS.

3.) Sitting in the church during the funeral rites, I was taken aback by my own lack of enthusiasm for my faith as of late. I haven't been to church since Christmas Eve and before that, only one other church since the summer. I feel....empty without knowing the presence of God so much in my life again. I am going to change that -- starting this Sunday. I am going to to go bed early Saturday night and I am going to pick a church and go to a service. If I like it, I will go back. If I don't I will pick a different church to try. I want God in My life again. I have strayed and I feel hollow.

4.) I don't value my children enough. I realize this often. I have started to make a more concious effort towards doing things with them. I haven't been Mother of the Year, and I don't know that I ever will be. But I can make an effort to be a better one than I have lately.

5.) I miss my husband. Terribly. While he's been gone, I have come to appreciate Him more, but at the same time, I have come to appreciate myself more. I forget what it's like to really be in charge of everything. To not have to ask for approval or check with someone about everything. Which don't get me wrong, is important too. But I am glad he went, and I am glad that I am able to actually miss Hubby, the person, his actual companionship, rather than resent his presence, and feel weighed down about life. This has actually been good for our marriage. I look forward to being able to talk to him about things. And I hope that he will agree to start going to church with me again.

6.) No Day But Today -- if you don't know what it means, you need to watch the Movie or go see the play RENT. It's becomming my mantra. And honestly, it's a good thing. It can be applied on so many facets of my individual life and my life with My family, I honestly feel like that is a Message from God.....hard to explain....but I seem to take signs from God in the forms of media....wish I could explain better.....but hey God knows He is reaching it's a good thing ...

there's more, but I need to post this. Perhaps tomorrow I will post more of my ephiphanies. Maybe not.

3 flame(s) added to the fire:

jeopardygirl said...

I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive yesterday.

JaneyGrrrl said...

there are so many things in there that I could comment on, but I'll choose just one bit. Don't feel bad about not getting to your nana's grave.

She's not there anyway, and you know that.

My mom has been dead for a year and a month now. I've been to the vineyard numerous times. Between not being ready and not having time, I have yet to go to her grave. I pay my respects and honor her in many ways but can't bring myself to look at her stone and think about her body below.

I got close once. When I was at Jaime's papa's funeral. He was buried two plots away and I had a panic attack heading into the cemetary and couldn't bring myself to walk the 15 feet over to my mom and dad.

They understand. And your nana does too, she's always with you, just like Mae. You don't need to visit a grave to know that.


Rebecca said...

OMG, you lost a child!?!?!??!

I can't even imagine.............