Saturday, March 24, 2007

The Feeling is Brewing Inside

Today I looked at a calendar, and realized with a sudden dread that March is almost over. This means that April will soon be upon us.

I hate April.

Last April I was taken over by a demon. A proverbial demon, of course, and since I was able to quell that demon, I have dreaded April even more than before.

My first daughter died in April.

But that's not what's so disturbing to me about last April. It's how I treated one person that I love dearly. I was horrible to Emily. I yelled, I insulted, I was plain old mean to a 5 year old who had done nothing to deserve the terrible verbal abuse I had thrown onto her. With shock, when I realized what I had been doing, I broke down my wall of denial and went to a therapist.

Honestly, it didn't help much, other than to realize WHY I had been so horrible to my wonderful, bright, beautiful oldest child. And it all boils down to the fact that April is the month my first child died.

I have vowed that I will not let it happen again. But with morose anticipation of next weekend, I fear I won't be able to actually follow through. I don't want it to overtake me as it did last year. But I haven't got much to help me with. I love my daughter, I will not allow her to receive the brunt of my anger, grief, and depression.

I can't let it happen again. I refuse to allow her to be affected by my problems. I love her too much to look at her face, and see the pain in her eyes that I saw almost a year ago. She doesn't deserve it. She is a wonderful child.....

It will not happen again. As God, and all of you, as my witnesses......I'll never be the April Demon again.

Hubby will be home this year, maybe that will help.

Or maybe I will just check myself into the hospital for 30 days until it all passes.....

Friday, March 23, 2007

Holy Carp! What a week!!

Yes, I said in the's a little joke with Me and JeopardyGirl, and even to this day, probably about a year after we made a joke about a typo, it's still holding strong in my mind....

It's been a CRAZY week or so since My last post....Mentally and physically exhausting in some parts....

Emily and I went to RI to visit Nessa...we had dinner at the usual spot...My favorite Chinese Restaurant...the next day, Emmy had her appointment at RI Hospital, and the doctor at first was talking about taking out her adenoids!! I was a little worried, but then after consulting another doctor, He came back and said we'd do the tubes first....and pray that was all we need to Emily has surgery next month for those. I'm told it will be a short procedure, btu this is my first baby. I easily freak out when I am faced with anything pertaining to goes back to when she was a baby and was in the hospital for 4 days after Christmas, Hubby was on deployment, and I had a nervous breakdown....but anyway....Thank God Huuby agreed to be the one to go in the OR with her....I'd be a wreck if He wasn't going tobe there....

So we got home from RI, in the middle of a snow storm....driving was slow, as the roads were slick, and visibility was gradually decreasing by the minute. I HAD to get home, because I had a party to do that night first sex toy party, and I still had prep to do! I got it all done, and spoke with the hostess, to make sure that she still wanted to do it. She assured me that her guests were all still coming, and she did not want to cancel....I should have insisted She reschedule, because a grand total of 4 people showed, and I barely made $250 in sales....I came home to Hubby, disappointed and dismayed. The customers at the party were not overly enthusiastic, nor were they in the mood to spend money, apparently....Even my branch Manager, Chelle, told me not to get too next party would be better.....

So Tuesday, I had a party for another friend, Ang...when I talked to her on Monday, she told me she was expecting about 25-30 people...I was like no way.....I'll be damned, she wasn't lying!! there were a total of 24 people who showed up!! My sales? Over $700!!!


I was so bloody happy, I was on an adrenaline rush for the next day and a half!! It was a fun party, but BOY, was it LOUD!! I can't complain too much though....The women who showed up were funny, enthusiastic, and eager...perfect customers, and I tried to match them, making sure everyone had a good time...I really think they did too.....

So now I am getting ready for Hubby's foot surgery NEXT Thursday. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for Him....It's minimally invasive, but of course, He's the Love of My Life.....naturally I will be a little worried!

Well I must go. Time to call corporate and discuss an issue with an order that was placed. Ruddy much as I love it, it is sometimes a pain in the ass!!

Hope Y'all have a great weekend!!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I Need To Write More!

Well seeing as it's been nearly a MONTH, since my last post, maybe I should gett off my ass and write, eh? Seriously though, I have been so SUPER insanely busy, I don't even know which way is up most of the, let's see, where to begin....

FIRST OFF -- I want to tell you all about a neat blog that is run by my friend Stu. It's called GNMP and it's a website/blog for parents. it is a very good blog and although I've only had time to look into it a few times, it seems very cool. Lots of info, resources and the like....a great site if you have kids of just about any age! GO CHECK IT OUT!!

SECOND -- You might remember last year, when I participated in the Great Strides for Cystic Fibrosis. Well I am happy and proud to say that once again, I am walking for Finnz Friendz, the team created by my friends Pat & Kerry to help support their son Finnegan, who has Cystic Fibrosis. There isn't much more to say other than what I said in the post from last year. My goal this year is to hit $150. I am happy to say I am half-way there, but I could use the support from any of you, my readers and friends, who might have an extra $10 or more that you'd be willing to give for this cause. here's the link to my Great Strides page. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE if you have the heart and money to donate!!

Here's a recent picture of Finnegan, holding a poster signed by the ENTIRE CAST of the Wicked Tour this year

THIRD -- I have started a Home Business. I admit, being a stay-at-home-mom can be a bit boring. I can only clean and deal with the kids for so long before I want to escape and talk with other adults. I went to an Adult Toy party for a friend before Hubby came home. It was fun, but the girl was quiet and shy and I actually demonstrated some of the products FOR her because she was so embarrassed! My friends all told me I would be great at, I did some research of the various companies, and picked one to work with! The company is very great and flexible...I am even able to use a trade name and name my own, to come up with a name was EASY ...HEART OF FIRE PARTIES!! Yep, My blog and Business have the same name! Pretty cool, huh? If you are in the CT or RI area, drop me a line at, and I would love to have a party with you! My first party is Friday and I am SUPER excited! It's going to be a fun way to make a living, and the company has a lot of products -- so many that I am insanely trying to make a binder of it all! LOL The catalog only carries the most popular and best sellers, but I want my customers to see EVERYTHING we offer.....

Well that's about it for now from me as far as big stuff I needed to say...there's other stuff, of course, let's see if I can list it all....

EMILY IS 6! Her birthday was Friday. We had a party at Monster Mini Golf. Everyone who came had a GREAT time, and Emily got a lot of stuff! She is reading so well now...I can't believe she's reading on her own...I am SO PROUD of her!

Hubby is getting foot surgery on his other foot (he had it done last year on one) at the end of the month. He'll be bed bound for a week, and in recovery for another few weeks...

Emily and I are going to RI to visit Nessa and go to an appointment for her ears. She needs tubes put in them, and it's not going to be fun, but at least her hearing will improve! Bertha, my minivan, has received her new CT license plates. YAY!

Yep, that's about it from me....Hope y'all are doing well and I will try to catch up on my reading in the next couple weeks!