Saturday, March 24, 2007

The Feeling is Brewing Inside

Today I looked at a calendar, and realized with a sudden dread that March is almost over. This means that April will soon be upon us.

I hate April.

Last April I was taken over by a demon. A proverbial demon, of course, and since I was able to quell that demon, I have dreaded April even more than before.

My first daughter died in April.

But that's not what's so disturbing to me about last April. It's how I treated one person that I love dearly. I was horrible to Emily. I yelled, I insulted, I was plain old mean to a 5 year old who had done nothing to deserve the terrible verbal abuse I had thrown onto her. With shock, when I realized what I had been doing, I broke down my wall of denial and went to a therapist.

Honestly, it didn't help much, other than to realize WHY I had been so horrible to my wonderful, bright, beautiful oldest child. And it all boils down to the fact that April is the month my first child died.

I have vowed that I will not let it happen again. But with morose anticipation of next weekend, I fear I won't be able to actually follow through. I don't want it to overtake me as it did last year. But I haven't got much to help me with. I love my daughter, I will not allow her to receive the brunt of my anger, grief, and depression.

I can't let it happen again. I refuse to allow her to be affected by my problems. I love her too much to look at her face, and see the pain in her eyes that I saw almost a year ago. She doesn't deserve it. She is a wonderful child.....

It will not happen again. As God, and all of you, as my witnesses......I'll never be the April Demon again.

Hubby will be home this year, maybe that will help.

Or maybe I will just check myself into the hospital for 30 days until it all passes.....

3 flame(s) added to the fire:

tkkerouac said...

I like what Pixie has done with your blogskins. She is making up my blogroll this friday, if you would like to be on the link list, just send your blogname and URL under under the underpants.

Shelly said...

Hi, I really enjoyed reading your blog. Was wondering if you
would like to add it to my directory?
Weblog index

Thanks, Shelly
P.S I hope you can make it through the month of April,sorry for your loss.

Stu said...

I'm not sure how to respond here, but we're friends, and candidness has always worked before, so here goes:

First, Mae is beautiful, truly. Wonderful hair and that cute little nose.

Second, I am so sorry for your loss. I am also very inspired by you, by your strength. I know I'm a man, but if I lost a daughter like that, I don't know how I'd go on with my life. You've got an inner strength that is awesome, and I'm proud to call you my friend.

Third, remember, April showers bring May flowers - in more ways than one.