Monday, April 30, 2007

Not The Post I Want To Make

My Dad is dead. He died today. I can't believe I am writing this right now.

I should start at the beginning......

So I didn't want to talk last post...there were a lot of things going on. Mae's 7th Birthday/Deathday had just passed, this year with minimal upsettage....I had a fairly normal day actually.

What I didn't want to talk about was my step-dad. The Thursday before Easter, he suffered a stroke, but he didn't know it was a stroke, and refused to let my mom call 911. Good Friday, he finally agreed, and by days end was in ICU of the hospital. It was an emotional, scary blow for my mom especially. She's only been with my "Dad" for 7 years.

It was touch and go, and we were told he might not make it past Easter. I prayed to God that Dad would not die that day. I couldn't handle losing another person I love on Easter. But he made it through and even improved. My mother was very optimistic he was going to wake up and kick her butt for letting them put him on an intubator.....a week and a half later he was off it...and moved to neurology. The doctors told us that the area of the brain he had the stroke in was affecting his consciousness and ability to wake up. They told us if he did wake up, it would only be for brief moments of time, and that he probably wouldn't be able to talk.

My mom kept her optimistic hope up that the doctors were wrong and that he was going to wake up any day and be completely fine. Stranger things have happened. Miracles happen everyday, right? last week He was even awake and conscious for a large amount of time. Mom took this as a sign he was going to recover. I wanted to believe it, but the looks on the doctor's faces said it all. They were expecting him to go any time....I couldn't say that to my mother, but deep down, I knew. But I couldn't crush her hopes. She loves my dad so much.

Today it happened. My mom and Dad's sister and her husband were in the lunchroom while visiting Dad and were called back up to the room. Probably about 30 seconds after they got there, he passed....My mom was there. He held out long enough so she could be there when he went. Then he was gone.

This day has been full of sorrow. My mother is devastated. I am sad. I lost my second father. He loved me. He loved my husband. But he loved my children more than anything on this planet. I haven't told them yet. My friend whisked them away before we even went to the hospital to get mom. I don't think I would be able to get through the day if I had to look Emily in the eye and tell her that her Papa is gone forever.

I dread tomorrow. Tomorrow I will sit my children down and Hubby will tell them. i can't bear to speak the words. I know my mother is going to be there and it is going to rip her heart out as well. She's asked us to give her a picture of the girls to put in his casket. of course I will. He would not want to be honored without the girls being known as the light of his last few years on this earth.

As for me? I go between states of shock, numbness and crying my eyes out. I've not been able to get through this post without stopping several times to weep. I loved my Dad, Bob. He made my mother happy after a very long life where she was unhappy and alone. They were perfect for each other. he took me in as his own daughter, and my husband as his son. He loved us, and we love him. He was a gruff man, a stubborn man, but he never was unkind, he always gve what he could, and he always was there for us when we needed him.

I know he is not in pain. I know he is not suffering. I know he loved us all and is with my daughter Mae, and my Nana and Papa, keeping watch over us all.

But I miss my Dad.

Rest in Peace, Robert Hansen.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Stolen Meme's

Stole these from Jeopardygirl....doing them cause I don't really talk about much else right now....I will explain another day...

Meme #1

1. Quick! You have to decide whether you will give up all internet/cell phone/text communication for 24 hours OR give up showering for the same amount of time. Which do you choose?


2. Friday the 13th….friend, foe or just a bunch of hooey?

Foe...My Nana died on Friday the 13th in 1999.

3. Does sex really sell?

Yes, and I make money off sex toys. Why not? I enjoy sex with my husband and I like to help women enjoy sex with their partners....

4. What are three traits that the next man to steal your heart must possess

Drop dead gorgeous looks, be rich, and good in spirit, humor and bed... I would never leave Hubby.....but if things didn't work out, those would be the minimum for me to even consider being with a man in a relationship.Call me shallow if you like, but the only thing Hubby doesn't have is the rich part.....

5. Finally an easy one…what is your current “foodgasm” item?

Fettuccini Alfredo from my own's heaven every time I have it....

Meme #2

1. If you could talk to your 16-year-old self, what would you say?

DUMP JUAN AND DO NOT GO BACK! He will, if he hasn't already, abuse you mentally and physically. YOU DESERVE BETTER!! And for heaven's sake, if you are in the school play still, GO OUT WITH DEREK O. AND NOT BACK WITH JUAN!!

If Juan is over, and you've been with David, GET OFF THE DRUGS.....

Do not give up acting. Even if you are not an award winning one, it's still something you love. Start basic jazz and ballroom dancing classes. Respect yourself!! DO YOUR can get scholarships to good acting colleges with your grades if you just put in some effort.....

and if you don't do all that.....if you stay the same.....get your pelvis bones examined. You can't give natural birth, have it confirmed in your medical record. TRUST ME!!

2. If you were given one day to live, what would you do?

Cry a lot. Do everything my children want to do so they will have a pleasant last memory of me. Tell them I love them in every other breath. Make love to my husband and tell him I love him in the same sentence as telling my children. Call as many people as I can to say good bye and tell them the truth about everything I may know. Beg God for forgiveness of my sins once more.

3. Do you believe “we are not alone” in the universe?

Yes I do. Other life forms are out there. When they are ready for us to meet them, they will let us know. We shouldn't waste so much money in the gov't on beings that don't wish to be found just yet.

4. Do you consider yourself graceful?

Very rarely

5. Tell me a secret.

I dream about past ex's and find myself waking up wishing things had gone the way they did in my dreams, if only to see what life would be like.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Not So Loud!

Life in the Fireheart house has gotten pretty quiet in the last 24 hours, for a number of reasons...Emily got her ear tubes surgery and the effect was immediate. I was able to whisper lightly and she could hear me from a few feet away.....I don't have to yell out her name anymore...and the volume on the TV's and computer have been lowered....I love it!

Today Emily got a new bike. I want to show you all, but getting it, and then a helmet, then getting it all set up for Em to ride has tired me. I am upstairs in the office and here I will's so quiet in the house because for the first time in nearly a week, the weather is GORGEOUS!! That Nor'Easter that was all over the news this weekend past is over, thank God, and today brought sunny skies and warm feels like spring!

My computer is strating to die...I lost all my saved emails last night and had to reset-up my email accounts....that was right after my computer completely froze while playing EverQuest 2....I cried...but I am ready for a new one...this is loud with all the fans....I think I am going deaf now!

I will be glad for tomorrow. Hubby gets his stitches from surgery out! He'll start to slowly walk again! YAY! And then he goes back to light duty at work on Monday...and Emily's school vacation is over on Monday too!!

FINALLY!! I will be able to have some PEACE and ORDER in this house! IS IT MONDAY YET?!?!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Putting Our Feet Down

So Hubby and I have decided, mutually, that the kids need to be a bit more.....involved in cleaning the messes they make all over the house. I should rephrase....Hubby and I have removed OUR involvement, and told the kids they are solely responsible.

For example: The kids had to spend last night cleaning their bedroom. They were told that anything left on the floor, under their bed, etc. that wasn't picked up or put in a place would be thrown in the trash today. Emily cleaned but spent the whole time complaining that she was working and Kaitlyn wasn't. I repeatedly told her to worry about her own space, not Kaitlyn's. I did not pick up one toy, piece of clothing or trash. It was rather nice actually....

I am just tired and fed up of doing everything for these kids, then they watch and as soon as I am done, they destroy the place all over again.....

It's a stance that the kids are not liking. Kaitlyn especially. In the past week, I have, out of nowhere, decided she is DONE wearing pull-ups, except at night. From now on, she will wear panties and use the potty. She's 3 1/2. Enough is enough!

Hubby says I am too soft with the kids, so part of this is to prove to him I am not. The other half is me reaching my breaking point. if they don't start learning the consequences of their actions, I am going to turn into my step-mother and end up coddling them for the rest of their lives. One look at my brother Christopher is reason enough to stop the insanity now, while they are still fairly young, and pray that it is effective enough to change their ways now, so they can grow to be independent people and not need me to be their bloody slave for the rest of their lives.

Well time to go do some cleaning that only I can do....vaccuuming and dishes...I'd ask Hubby, but he's on crutches from surgery and can barely stand without falling....

See You all soon!