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Monday, April 30, 2007

Not The Post I Want To Make

My Dad is dead. He died today. I can't believe I am writing this right now.

I should start at the beginning......

So I didn't want to talk last post...there were a lot of things going on. Mae's 7th Birthday/Deathday had just passed, this year with minimal upsettage....I had a fairly normal day actually.

What I didn't want to talk about was my step-dad. The Thursday before Easter, he suffered a stroke, but he didn't know it was a stroke, and refused to let my mom call 911. Good Friday, he finally agreed, and by days end was in ICU of the hospital. It was an emotional, scary blow for my mom especially. She's only been with my "Dad" for 7 years.

It was touch and go, and we were told he might not make it past Easter. I prayed to God that Dad would not die that day. I couldn't handle losing another person I love on Easter. But he made it through and even improved. My mother was very optimistic he was going to wake up and kick her butt for letting them put him on an intubator.....a week and a half later he was off it...and moved to neurology. The doctors told us that the area of the brain he had the stroke in was affecting his consciousness and ability to wake up. They told us if he did wake up, it would only be for brief moments of time, and that he probably wouldn't be able to talk.

My mom kept her optimistic hope up that the doctors were wrong and that he was going to wake up any day and be completely fine. Stranger things have happened. Miracles happen everyday, right? last week He was even awake and conscious for a large amount of time. Mom took this as a sign he was going to recover. I wanted to believe it, but the looks on the doctor's faces said it all. They were expecting him to go any time....I couldn't say that to my mother, but deep down, I knew. But I couldn't crush her hopes. She loves my dad so much.

Today it happened. My mom and Dad's sister and her husband were in the lunchroom while visiting Dad and were called back up to the room. Probably about 30 seconds after they got there, he passed....My mom was there. He held out long enough so she could be there when he went. Then he was gone.

This day has been full of sorrow. My mother is devastated. I am sad. I lost my second father. He loved me. He loved my husband. But he loved my children more than anything on this planet. I haven't told them yet. My friend whisked them away before we even went to the hospital to get mom. I don't think I would be able to get through the day if I had to look Emily in the eye and tell her that her Papa is gone forever.

I dread tomorrow. Tomorrow I will sit my children down and Hubby will tell them. i can't bear to speak the words. I know my mother is going to be there and it is going to rip her heart out as well. She's asked us to give her a picture of the girls to put in his casket. of course I will. He would not want to be honored without the girls being known as the light of his last few years on this earth.

As for me? I go between states of shock, numbness and crying my eyes out. I've not been able to get through this post without stopping several times to weep. I loved my Dad, Bob. He made my mother happy after a very long life where she was unhappy and alone. They were perfect for each other. he took me in as his own daughter, and my husband as his son. He loved us, and we love him. He was a gruff man, a stubborn man, but he never was unkind, he always gve what he could, and he always was there for us when we needed him.

I know he is not in pain. I know he is not suffering. I know he loved us all and is with my daughter Mae, and my Nana and Papa, keeping watch over us all.

But I miss my Dad.

Rest in Peace, Robert Hansen.

5 flame(s) added to the fire:

Greg said...

I saw your post about your dad. I am a New York Times bestselling author working on a new book about father-daughter relationships and thought you might want to contribute. Please visit my page for details about submitting stories for Daddy's Little Girl.

Gregory E. Lang
Author, Why a Daughter Needs a Dad

Nessa said...

My thoughts and love are with you, girl. You are such a survivor, I envy your strength.

Tink said...

Sweetie... I know it's difficult but we'll make it through... the both of us. I want you to know that you don't have to go through this alone, just as you didn't let me go through it alone a month ago. Think of James Taylor's song... 'All you got to do is call...'

Love you!

Bella said...

God bless you and your family, I will say a prayer for all of you.

Shari said...

Oh girly, I'm so sorry to hear this! I know this is such a tough time of year for you. I pray for your whole family and specifically hope that some day these hurts will heal.