CLICK HERE FOR THOUSANDS OF FREE BLOGGER TEMPLATES

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Happiness Is/Is Not....

Happiness is waking up with no pain!

Last night I slept on our new bed. it was heaven. I woke up feeling so much better than I have in ages. I can't wait to go to bed tonight!

Hubby hasn't tried out the bed yet...but I know he will love it. This is my one happiness this week....

Happiness is not living with my mother. I am not sure I will be able to work the job I have for much longer, due a number of reasons. The first being that I have given my mother a hard stop date of June 1st to be out of our house. It's cruel I know, but June will be 12 months she will have been with us. She was only supposed to stay a couple months to get back on her feet, and she has done nothing to help herself. I am kicking her out, and call me cruel, but I do not need to be in this situation anymore. My husband and children as well as myself are as unhappy as we can be in our own home. My mother knows we are miserable, but cares not for my marriage and life happiness, only her own survival -- and that is dependent on myself and my husband. I no longer wish to be her caretaker. I am done. I would rather be married for the next 45 years and be happy than be miserable taking care of a woman who barely took care of me yet feels the need to encroach me with the responsibility of being her sole source of survival instead of getting up off her lazy ass and being a woman and doing it herself.

Yesterday, I woke to discover she had broken my laptop...the one that is not even 6 months old...the one that I love and never get to use because out of the goodness of my heart I let her play her games on it....and now the bloody thing won't turn on. Needless to say, I am very angry.

Anyway, so when she gets the hell out of my house. I don't know that I will have anyone to watch my children when I work this summer. So I either need to find someone fast, or I will have to quit my job. It not like I make a ton of money, and the whole purpose of me getting a job was to help pay for food and things for the 5th person in our house who will be gone. So maybe it will all be for the best....except I don't want to quit...I like making the extra money....*sigh*

Is it sad that I have to use the internet to get all my true feelings out? That I can't say this to my mother? Probably...I used Hubby as a scapegoat for giving her the Deadline of June 1st. I said he said he wanted her out by then. I made it sound nice by telling her that we'll be moving sometime in the fall, and that he did not want her stranded like last time we took her in.

I have extreme guilt. I keep thinking life would be so much easier if she just passed away. I am a terrible person for thinking that.....but I just wish I were rid of her. You all must think I am a monster for wanting her out of my life, but honestly, she really didn't do much for me in my life....and hasn't done anything but drain me dry emotionally and financially 2 times in the last 10 years.....she doesn't want to take care of herself, she want others to take care of her. Never in her whole life has she been able to successfully do it, so she leeches onto others. Luckily I have the foresight that this is happening....so did my father and I now understand WHY he left us 30 years ago, and I actually don't harbor the anger about it I used to....how completely odd is that??

I am so unhappy all the time. I know my happiness will come back when I am free in my own home once more.

Even if everyone will think I am a bad daughter, I have to cut my ties. I hope when the time comes for Judgment, God will understand and know my mother's true nature and why I have to do this...

4 flame(s) added to the fire:

TY said...

Don't feel bad...I remember your upbringing and you've done more than many would or could.

Vanessa said...

I am so so so so proud of you for taking this step. You have been the model daughter, honestly, and you should never have been put in this situation, it was unfair of your mother to do this to you. Would you ever want either of your daughters to have to go through this? You are making 100% the right step, and I give you major kudos for everything you have done for her. You have done a lot more for her than she has ever done for you, and your consciense should be clear. I love you darling!

Mimi said...

I am glad you have done what is best for your family. From what I know you have supported her more than she ever has supported you. And I don't mean that to sound that you should only give back what you were given. But your mom doesn't seem to be thinking about your family and its well being. If her heart and mind were in a different place maybe things would be different. Do not feel guilty. Feel proud that when he it comes to life, you are wiser, and that was something you learned on your own.

Tink said...

I completely agree with this decision and wish I were closer to lend a shoulder... or ear for you. You have gone above and beyond anything that should have ever been expected from a daughter. Kudos and love,
Heather