I feel like a deer in headlights about to be run over....

Today was my first day of my new job. It was a long day. it was approximately 1.5 hours longer than a regular day for me. I learned a LOT about the industry I am now in, how to do my job, how QA does their job, an dhow it may come that I will do some of QA's work and vice versa.

And did I get actually get to eat the lunch I so painstakingly packed yesterday? Not exactly.

I had a Sprite and a bag of Goldfish. During an about-10-minute break.

But in defense of my Supervisor, he had a LOT to teach me because tomorrow, I am pretty much flying solo. My actual job training was delayed by the hour and a half HR orientation, which was actually very interesting. I got to meet much of the office, including the CEO. I also did about 2 hours hands-on training, and in all honesty, I think I got my job figured out. Well...the main part of my job.

I'd love to go into detail, but I signed an agreement not to disclose specifics. But suffice to say, it's a damn good thing I know how to surf the net and use email. And my html basic knowledge? a definite plus!

I am tired and need to catch up on my shows that I missed last night. Thank goodness tomorrow I start later at work. This morning was mass confusion and the girls were nearly late for school!

~Cissa

Theres no hurry any more, when all is said and done...

Happy Friday to you all! This weekend is my last as an unemployed woman. I am so happy about that! I managed to secure after school babysitting for the girls with a neighbor, and I am ready to go!

Unfortunately the weather this weekend is less than stellar. I have a feeling that the football game will be canceled tomorrow. That's ok because then I will get to sleep in. Plus the uniforms STILL aren't here, and I honestly am frustrated.

Last night was the season premiers of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. Betty was good, although a little weird for me, although the cute rocker that is Betty's new neighbor was an obvious romantic twist. Grey's...well...wow....Bernadette Peters was spectacular. Truly. As if the drama wasn't good enough, those crazy writers pulled the "Denny Card" out and played it well. When Izzy flashes back to the Prom from season 1 or 2 (I think it was 2 LOL) I was like "No way, no way, no way!!"

And then the elevator opens and Denny is there, in all his hunky glory, and I burst into tears:

"Dennyyyyyy!!" My Lord and Lady, it was so ...touching and awesome. I cried so much. I was so, so surprised and pleased to see Harry Dean Morgan. Truly, it took me like the last 5 minutes of the show to get over it.

It's an icky, rainy, day here in Southeast CT. The rain is making me want to crawl into bed and read a book. Right now I am reading A Boy Named Shel - The Life and Times of Shel Silverstein. Growing up on the Vineyard I had the good fortune of knowing Shel, as he was friends with my family who own the hardware store in the town he had a summer home in. It's been fascinating to know about his life, since I did not pry into his personal life when I spoke to him at the store or helped him hang lanterns for Illumination Night. My sister has almost all of his books personally signed, and I had hoped that when I had kids, Shel would be able to sign a couple for me.

He passed in 1999, and I recall the day he died because I was in Air Force Tech School. I was at the base barbershop with a fellow Airman from my flight as he got a haircut. CNN was on the TV in the room and they announced Shel had passed. I flew from the barber shop and made a collect call to my parents from a payphone. We all were very sad. I realized later that day Shel would never be able to sign the books for my future children. Selfish as it may seem, I knew I was sad I would not be able to provide that honor for my kids. Even thinking about it now makes me a little down. He was a genius. The Giving Tree still makes me weep when I read it.

Well that's all for me for now. Sorry about the downer at the end of this post. I hope you all have a great weekend!

~Cissa

Work all night...sleep all day!

Yeah the lyric for the post subject totally not my bag, baby! But it was all I could think of on short notice.

Today at 10:00 AM I have an interview with a company that posts jobs on websites for other companies....kinda like a middle man when companies and organizations have positions for hire, but don't have the time to go to the bazillion job websites like Hot Jobs or Monster, etc. and post them.

It's part time, but 35 hours max a week....that's only 5 hours shy of what's considered "full time".

It sounds like a good job, and I am hoping that maybe it will work out. Plus it's not far, in New London, right over the bridge.

One of the things that intrigued me was the website saying it was an informal work environment.

So...I'd get paid to surf the net, wear comfy clothes and spend maybe 10 minutes a day total commute time? Um, yeah....where do I sign?

Wish me luck! I really need a decent job!

~Cissa

UPDATE - 11:22 AM -- Just got back from the interview, and pretty sure I nailed it! Time will tell, but I am guessing I will know by Friday, as I could start as early as Monday!! Keep sending the good job juju -- thanks a million! ~Cissa

I wanna talk about Me, I wanna talk about I...

So I got this Meme from Avitable...feel free to post it as well....

My favorite age: 21

My best friend: Vanessa

My celebrity crush: Christian Bale

My defining characteristic: at the moment? my Red Hair (see my previous post below)

My most evil moment: Watching an ex-flame of Misk's face as we danced together at a friend's wedding. Then smirking at her when he couldn't see and kissing him like crazy.

My favorite food: My own fettuccine Alfredo

My grossest injury: Oh goodness...ok, I was about 6, and we had this huge plant by the window that I would stand on to see out the window better....one night, my foot slipped, and I was straddling the edge of the planter it was in.....a very intimate part of my anatomy got cut....yeah...

My biggest hatred: Injustice and bigotry.

My most illegal activity: When I was in high school I was hooked on cocaine for a little while.

My need for justice: When cruel people who are in charge of something abuse that power to terrorize and demean others.

My most knowledgeable field: Christian Bale.

My life's goal: Own a house with a front porch, swing and a bit of land for privacy that I can retire and pass away in...

My mother's influence: My real mother taught me how to be an independent person and how to fend for myself. My step-mother taught me how to be a good wife and mother.

My nerdiest point: 3rd grade. I knew everything and aced all the tests, even if I didn't do my homework. Turned out I was a gifted child. And the only one from my elementary school who was sent to a special class for gifted kids at another school the next year.

My oldest memory: My cousin Danny sticking what he thought was a dead bee down my shirt and slamming my chest. The bee was, infact, NOT DEAD. My mother says it was right around the time I turned 3.

My perfect date: Romantic Dinner, on or near a beach, some slow dancing, then a walk on said beach and sitting with Misk talking as the sounds and smells of the ocean surround us and provide one of nature's most spectaular music symphonies.

My unanswered question: Why did Mae have to die?

My random fact: I was not given a middle name at birth, legally. When I married, I changed my name to include the one my mother had used for me my whole life.

My stupidest decision: Juan Merida. My oldest friends know who he is and why.

My favorite television show: Currently on air? Weeds. Of all time? M*A*S*H

My style of underwear: standard cotton bikini style. But I like them colorful hehe.

My favorite vegetable: Green beans

My weakest trait: I worry too much about everything

My X-men power: Wind gusts and accute short term psychic power....oh yeah, and smokin' slim body and hair to my waist.

My strongest yearning: To be financially secure

My moment of Zen: having my morning tea and a cigarette right after the kids are at school for the day.

Thank you clarity. Thank you, thank you silence....

Amazingly, 53 hours later, I feel much better about things than in my last post...well....mostly...

To those of you who commented and sent me private messages, thank you. Your support and empathy helped me pick up my broken mental pieces and get my ass out of the slump. I will forever be grateful to you all.

I worked Sunday night and made a nice little piece of cashage. It paid for all but 2 of Kaity's presents....and a few things I needed...including a change in myself....

yep it's RED....

Not quite the shade I was going for mind you, and belive me it was a shock when I started to put it on...then when I washed and dried I expected it to be more..natural looking....I was thinking of all the things I could compare it to:

A tomato...like someone dumped paint on my head....Hawaiian Punch red....a red crayon....a stop sign...a fire engine...I could go on for a while.

Misk and I went to lunch on Monday and when he pulled up to get me I was outside reading a book....first words out of his mouth were "Hey Red!"

I worked at the restaurant last night and got mixed reviews of my new color from the regulars. Mostly it was shock, but some people really liked it. Some people asked me what the hell I was thinking. My standard answer? "I needed a change." Most people didn't realize I meant in more than just my haircolor.

Anyway...I'm back for the moment, although I might be slightly irregular on the posting the rest of this week. I have work the next two days during the day, cheer practice twice, baking for Kaity's snack at school on Friday...and of course, the Bug's Party...me, Misk, and about 30 other people at Chucke E. Cheese's....I just hope there is some good karma stored up from Saturday and we're the only people in there because it's spectacular weather and no one wants to be indoors anywhere.

On a final note...Dawg has awarded me with something I truly thought I never would get:


The "I Love Your Blog Award". I am touched that he listed me, and also mentioned that he hoped my hiatus wouldn't be too long.....Thank You, Dawg. It made my day.....Give Poppy my love and make sure she gives you my love...I hope I can make it to FL so I can see you in November. I'll get around to listing people sometime, but I really need to get off my depressed fat ass and get some stuff done around this house.

Back to the grind, for the moment.

~Cissa

I've been wrong, I've been down, to the bottom of every bottle ....

My husband has a drinking problem.

It's not that he's violent, or drinks all the time. He binges. And when he does this, he ends up saying things that hurt...even if they are true.

You know the saying "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts?" That pretty much sums up what being with my husband when he is totally wasted is like.

Many many many times over he's "tried" to stop drinking. He'll do well for a little while, then he starts again. Usually this brought on by a stressful time in his life from work.

Not this time. This time, I cannot find a reason why he would start doing this again. I've tried to get him help. I've tried to get him to AA meetings. He refuses, because he hates that at meetings they try to convert you to Christianity. His take on it is he's got his own faith in whatever he believes, thank you very much, and he doesn't want anyone trying to push their beliefs on him. I could take the issue to his command, but I've also tried that in the past. The issue was literally swept under the rug -- twice. Short of aggravating him to the point where he strikes me, which he has never done in the 11 years together and nearly 10 years of marriage, I am helpless. I also do not want to do that becasue I would not ever want him to go to jail, and also The Navy would probably end up discharging him and we'd have no where to go.

I love my husband. I want to help him, I have supported him as best I can. But I am drained.

I have no one to turn to. My friends are all...very busy with their own lives. Thier husbands have come home from deployment, and save for a few 5-10 minute phone calls and the usually short visits of one friend, if that, I have not heard from most my friends in nearly a month. Most of them are moving in a couple months time. The command my husband is in right now has no support system, and he doesn't have any friends that I could meet and get to know their wives.

I'm pretty much alone and on my own. And it's a feeling that makes me filled with dispair.

Don't get me wrong. I love all the time I have with my family. I love my kids and husband. But sometimes, I need a friend. And lately....I don't really have any. Sure I have friends and acquaintences on the internet, I've seen that through the comments and emails. And it's nice to know.

But right now? I am very alone. And I feel myself getting into a depression that I don't see any way out of. And I am scared. My worst fear in life is to be alone. And lately, I've been facing that fear head-on. And it sucks.

So, that's why I've not been around a lot. That's why I've not been to the radio shows, and commented a whole lot. I'm in the funk, and I don't know what I can do. I'm tired. I don't even see the poitn of trying anymore because, honestly, I'll just end up back here again.

It hurts, ya know? I have been there for my friends when they needed me. We took my friend Nicky out for her birthday back in July. My birthday? I got 2 text messages, comments on my blog after asking for them, and on my Facebook page. No night out on the town. No dinner and drinks. Not even a card (excpet Angie, yes, she did remember but on my actual birthday she was away).

Not one of my friends called. And when I do call my friends, because 90% of the time that's how I end up talking to them, I get the feeling that I am interrupting their happy times with their husbands. And I don't want to do that. Out of respect for them I have stayed away, but in the process I've ended up hurting myself, I guess.

I don't know what else to do. I'm lost, I'm alone.

I feel like I am whining. Maybe I am. but I am at the point where doing anything else almost seems assanine.

And so, I leave you all for a while. I need the prespective of my own life. I'll be lurking, reading blogs through my reader and leaving the occasional comment here and there. But for now....I'm on hiatus.

I wish you all the very best while I am gone.....

~Cissa

She's got a ticket to ride, but she don't care.....

Dear Internet Friends,

On November 1, 2008, the following AWESOME EVENT is happening in Altamonte Springs, Florida: (click on the picture to see the details of the event, after you read this entry of course)


And although I have tried to deny it...I no longer can....

I. want. to. GO!!

Here's the problem: I am poor. I don't have the money for a ticket. And although I would have a *free* place to stay (father-in-law live 30 minutes away in Holopaw), I don't have the money to pay for a plane ticket....

Here's where YOU, MAH INTERNETZ FRIENDZ, can help!

At the bottom of the Huge Announcement, is a little Pay Pal link where you can BUY a raffle ticket for the small sum of $7.00. The cool thing is? You can SPONSOR SOMEONE -- like your good ole internetz freind, Cissa Fireheart. Here's the catch: the raffle tickets have to reach 100 before the free plane ticket Grand Prize is even a possibility...And before you ask, YES, I have already purchased a few tickets of my own....

I think I am gonna make a little button too...put it over there to the right ------->

I can hear you all now. But WHY, Cissa? Why would you want to go to this weirdo's house? Why should I spend a whopping $7.00 on YOU to have a good time???

Well, here are a few reasons I so desperately want to go.

1. Miss Britt, Hellohahanarf, Karl, and Dave2 are all gonna be there. I've met the first 3 people, and they rock. They are great. And I would love to meet Dave and Avitable (the party host). I dunno who all else is going, but I reckon it would be a LOT of cool people I have had the chance to talk/comment/read their blogs over the last few years.

2. I love to dress up, and already have a costume I could wear! Hell, I have 2 to chose from, and if I really think about it....possibly 3! How cool is that? And it's a frickin' party where EVERYONE is gonna be dressed up! I have never been to an adult costume party, and I really wanna go!

3. I'm technically a FL resident. I love FL. Wouldn't you want to see Cissa to be happy to be HOME? Even if it is only for 24 hours?

4. How cool would it be for Misk to have an awesome birthday present, like say, getting to pick me up at the airport after a long trip away (ok I'm stretching, but work with me people), and we get to do one of those kisses you see in the movies, where he tilts me back and is all romantic and stuff? Wouldn't that be awesome? Huh? C'mon, it would be wicked cool!

5. You like me and you just wanna do something nice....the pay it forward thing....for a nominal amount.

Please sponsor me, Cissa Fireheart.....C-i-s-s-a F-i-r-e-h-e-a-r-t...in the Avitable.com Neverwas Fair Raffle. BUT HURRY!! TICKET SALES END ON SEPTEMBER 20TH!! Thank you!

I am done begging. We now continue with your regularly scheduled blog posts.....

I voted...did you???

The Hot Blogger 2009 Calendar Voting has begun! There are two actual categories, one for the girls and one for the guys. While perusing the nominations I saw that the NYC Watchdog has been nominated. So you know what I did right? I totally casted my vote for him because he is a total Hawt Dawg!!! Voting is VERY easy. There is no registration, its a simple poll, and all you have to do is check off right by his name! They couldn’t have made it any easier for us to make the Hawt Dawg into our Mr. October for 2009!!! So throw the Hawt Dawg a bone and help me out by voting for him here!!!

In other news...the Minions begin school tomorrow! WOOOOOOOTT! Pictures will be posted tomorrow of course :)

~Cissa

...And many more!

Three years ago today, I began this blog on a whim. My friend and fellow Balehead, Jeopardygirl, who has since closed 2 blogs, had started a blog and after reading a little of hers, it seemed like a good idea to try one out again. I had one previously, and to be honest, I can't remember what it was about. I barely wrote on it.

I have shared many things with you all on this blog over the years. My joys, sorrows, anger, fears.....and as below the title it says: confessions, flames, rants, raves, and everything in-between.

I've had dry patched where I've lost my energy and motivation, but I have also come back and made some cool friends...some of you whom I've even gotten the chance to meet. It's been awesome, and I am hoping that the awesomeness continues as my life, and my little world continues on with new adventures in life.

In 7 days I turn 31. It's weird to think that, because many days I am just waiting for someone to come to me and say "OK Cissa, the gig's up, stop pretending you are a grown-up and get back to class." Then there are the days I hear the phone ring and expect Death to say "Seriosuly Cissa, get yer ass over here because your time is up, old lady!" hehe. I think this a good thing to still have so many days in my life where I feel like a teenager, to space out all those random moments of feeling very ancient.

My children start school on Thursday, and on Friday after school, we head up to The Vineyard to see my family. This summer I have been to the Vineyard 2 times, both for nice visits, even if this one is only for 3 1/2 days it will seem like much longer. I will enjoy my birthday weekend among family, and I hope friends, and it will be a nice change of pace. It seems funny to think a year ago I was celebrating 30 with 2 friends at a bingo hall. Thsi year, my friends had actually been upset that I wasn't going to be around so they could have a party. Overall, a pretty decent change of events.

Now that all of their husband's have come home this week from deployment, it's been lonely. Misk has been around, but I still miss my friends. I'll get over it and eventually they will want to get together again, but I have a feeling it won't be the same. As much as I have enjoyed my friends' happiness to see thier men come home, I am slightly envious. I don't get to have the happy homecoming anymore, at least not for this year, and it bums me out. There's a ....rush of excitement; picking out what outft you will wear, rushing to clean the house because you just haven't had the time to do it since you've been busy for 6 months not thinking too much about how much you miss your husband. The exhiliration of watching the guys come off the pier and wondering how much weight he's lost, and will you recognize him and vice versa? And as always...the first kiss. I miss that most of all.

*sigh*

But I digress. You see what I mean about my sharing with you? If I didn't have this blog, and my 10-15 regular visitors, I'd have no one at all to share all this with...and for that I am grateful.

So Happy 3rd Blogiversary to me! And maybe for my 4th it will get even better!

~Cissa

It's the little things that kill, tearing at my brain again....

Hey there, yes, I am still alive.

I had a blast in Boston! Seeing my sister was great. Hanging out with her fiance was fun. We got Shell's wedding dress -- well, ordered it, anyway, and it will be here in a couple months -- I can't wait! I even did well and didn't eat anything too bad at the Italian Festival. Go me!

I would show the wedding dress to you all, but I am pretty sure my brother-in-law- to-be bookmarked this blog, so I can't -- dang you Terry! hehe

I won't get into the drive up and back, because I will just get stressed...however I will mention that google, yahoo, and mapquest all need to start mentioning ROTARYS in the state of Massachusetts in their directions. I nearly had a coronary when I encountered 3 on the way....and promptly got lost in 2 of them. But anyway...

I got back Sunday afternoon, and had a nice dinner with the family. Nothing special really happened this week - cheerleading practice for the girls on Tuesday was fun (I'm an assistant coach), and I am looking forward to this with them. Tonight we have another practice. woot!

But yesterday, something awesome happened. Now it won't seem like much to you all....but kaity got a postcard in the mail yesterday...

"Ohhh! A postcard form school, wonder who it is from?" I thought. So I flipped it over...

I was very pleased at this development. The teacher kaity has is awesome, and I am good friends with one of the teacher's aides. I am very much looking forward to the first day of school (1 week from today - WOOT!) and seeing how Kaity likes this teacher. Emily loved her.

so yep, that's my world....I've been in a bit of a mental funk......so I haven't blogged.....meh

~Cissa

You are beautiful, in every single way. No words can bring you down...

I have found the silver lining in all of this recent medical ickyness: weight loss.

When they took my eight at the ER on Saturday, it said 173, minus 2 lbs for clothes, that's 171.
I went home and weighted myself on my fancy-schmancy individualized scale, and indeed, I was up to 171....2 lbs more than I thought I was. On Monday when I went to my Doctor, my weight was 170, minus 2 lbs for clothes, 168. I didn't think anything of needing a belt for my jeans that day, because I purposely buy jeans a size larger in case I gain weight...bad I know, but something I do.

Now, keep in mind folks, since Saturday, I have been eating as healthy as possible given that I am broke and have a house full of food already. I've cut out many of my usual and favorite foods and made my portions smaller because I don't want another flare up like Saturday. I learned the hard way last night, that tomato sauce, no matter how mild and bland, is DEFINITELY not allowed anymore, and my 1/4 Italian heart died a little last night when I realized it. But then I realized it was a mini flare-up, and I smothered the pain with antacid tablets (which by the way, are now my new BFF)....but anyway, back to my point:

Today, on my fancy-schmancy individual scale, it read 168. Minus 2 lbs for clothes, that's 166!

Since Saturday, and altering my diet, I have lost 5 lbs! And that's just cutting out the bad stuff, that's not counting the stuff I will replace it with come Friday when I go to the grocery store.

I cannot believe it myself. I am sitting here in pants that I NEVER need a belt for...with the belt on the second notch. Amazing.

I actually cannot wait to see what happens next. And I am so excited.

And I feel totally hot....maybe that guy from the club knew better than me, that I CAN be hot again! ;)

~Cissa

I will follow you into the dark....- Part 2

....and so the long 10 minute drive began to the Emergency Care clinic near our house. In retrospect, I should have gone to the actual hospital, but honestly, I didn't think I could take an even longer ride.

We got there, and Misk helped me again to walk into the ER. They took me straight into Triage, and took my pulse, temp, and blood pressure. I recall seeing 147 /85. They made me take it again. They wanted me to stand. And the fucking thing just about squeezed my arm to sleep. This time it said 136/78 I dunno if either of those are high, but those were probably the highest BP numbers I have ever been. I usually am somewhere in the 105/70 range. Even 9 months pregnant and in labor, my BP never went over 110/75, but anyway...

The nurse told me she wanted me to go over to the lab for blood and urine, and I looked at her like she had 3 heads. She wanted me to walk somewhere else?? Luckily she got me a wheelchair, and I covered my face, embarrassed, knowing there were other sick people here. The pain was a little less now, still burning, but it was more like.....an ache with a burn, than anything else.

I got blood taken by the most awesome hemo-tech ever. I barely felt the needle go in my arm. Perhaps it was the fact that I had been having unbelievable pain like I never knew before for nearly a half hour prior, but the needle barely registered for me, and I was grateful. I hate needles. However, there was no way I had to pee. I drank 2 cups of water and managed to get a little for the stupid little cup, but it still took a while.

During this time, the pain began to abate in small stages. I wasn't shaking, the burning had definitely decreased, and it was more of the achieness being prominent. I began to apologize over and over to Misk, telling him how I feared this was nothing, and how I had probably over reacted and I was wasting his and Nicky's time. He promptly told me that had I not agreed to go to the hospital, he would have picked me up and carried me to the car, that's how worried he was.

We were sitting in the waiting room for a while, and it was taking forever for them to call me. Misk was complaining about the time, and I looked up, and honestly? We had only been there an hour, this was not bad. I was able to talk somewhat normally, the burning sensation returning from time to time, but not nearly as bad as it had earlier. It was not agonizing, just painful. I got very cold at one point, as the A/C was cranked up and I was in a tank top and thin capris, and Misk went out to the van and got me my fall jacket.

Finally we were called back, and they told me I had to get into a gown. This did not please me at all, but I did it anyway. I think wrapped my coat around my feet, since it was friggin freezing. Another half hour or so of waiting and finally the doctor came in. She asked all these questions, and I answered, explained to her the pain, how I knew it wasn't gas or heartburn, as I had experienced those, it also didn't sear across my whole upper abdomen if I had either of those.

She said it wasn't my appendix or my gall bladder, which was good, because that's what I thought it actually was.

Her conclusion? I had an acid reflux attack. I needed to go on a medication for it, and cut out a lot of my foods such as...soda, caffeine, chocolate, alcohol, fat, acidic foods. This pretty much meant that my Friday nights will be shot, and I will be eating salad, tuna, chicken and certain cereals for the rest of my life. This did not thrill me, but I took the prescription, and went home.

Feeling like a giant idiot. having wasted Misk's and Nicky's time over something so stupid.

To be honest, I was going to take the doctor's diagnosis at face value. After talking to Brandi later that night, I decided that I was going to call my doctor today and get a second opinion, because I am apparently in a window for possible heart issues, and it possible I was having a mild heart attack.

My appointment is at 4:10 pm, and I don't care if I have to take the kids with me, I am going.

Because not being able to have spaghetti sauce, or pasta, or any fried foods at all, ever again? Soooo not gonna work for me. I want a second opinion, damn it. And if the doctor I have had for the last 2 years tells me that that's what it was, I will believe him. And then I will do what is recommended, which will totally alter our whole family's eating lifestyle, and I will be damned if I will do that on just one person's say.

4:10 isn't coming fast enough...

And I am alive. After some schedule changes from Nessa though e-mails on Friday afternoon, we had decided to go to the Sunday show for They Might Be Giants. And the show was awesome. Nessa and I had a blast! So did Zbabygirl, who hadn't been out of the house much since having her baby 3 weeks ago. It was a good night....and I even had 2 glasses of wine...and felt totally fine after!

Thanks to all of you for your concern. I really am fine, as far as I know, so please don't worry, ok? It was nice to see so many of you cared!

~Cissa

I will follow you into the dark....- Part 1

So I know, you guys must think I am just lazy, but I swear on the Goddess and God, that last night, I had every intention of pre-posting Sumptuous Sunday .....until about 5:30 last night, that was the plan...you are warned this might be a little TMI, but hey, that's me.

I was reading Breaking Dawn again, so that I could reevaluate things, as I am prone to do. It was in my bedroom and I was laying sideways facing the lamp on my right side. I started to feel some pain in the muscle right beneath my breasts, usually where the underwire of my bra sometimes digs in. not thinking anything of it, I turned to my back, and the burning began. I tried to ignore it and managed a few more sentences, then decided to sit up and read. The burning pain became worse, searing across my upper abdomen/lower chest. I stood up and staggered into the office across the hall.

I tried to explain to Misk about my pain, but I was becoming short of breath and the pain was increasing, so I stumbled back into my bedroom and tried to move into various positions to make the pain abate. Nothing worked, my pain only increased. It felt like something had exploded in my body. Misk asked if I wanted antacids, I shook my head gasping out that I wasn't able to barely breathe, let alone swallow something. He asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I shook my head and gasped out "NO! NO DOCTORS!"

Then the pain, which I thought was bad before, decided to explode even more. I collapsed on the floor, writhing in agony, tears came to my eyes, and all I could do was wail and moan in pain. This was it, my final straw.

"OK.... Hospital" I managed out in between shallow breaths. "Nicky....Need to call Nicky....to watch the kids...."

Misk got the phone for me, and I moaned that I could not remember her number. Misk, luckily, is a smart man, and looked through the caller ID until he found it, it dialed. Nicky picked up.

"Nicky! I need your help..." my voice wavered and I gasped again.

"Oh my god, What's the matter??"

"Burning..pain...need hospital...need you...to watch the kids...."

"I'm on my way. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"OK" and I hung up.

At this point I realized I had taken my bra off, probably when I first was feeling pain. I then realized I was not going to the hospitals with my boobs hanging loose. I might have been dying, but I wouldn't show up like some classless white trash, even if it did kill me. I managed to get the bra on and Misk helped me down the stairs, me wailing all the while. As far as memory serves, it reminded me of being in labor, only the pain was too high, and this was a burning explosion....maybe it was my voice the way I was wailing and moaning...it was the only way I could deal with the pain, and convey how much of it I was in.

Misk got me to the car, walking me slowly, my agony even more pronounced when the warmth of the inside of the car hit me. I could barely breath as it was, now he was sticking me in a fucking oven?? If I had been able to, I would have slapped him....instead I begged him to open the windows. I was profusely sweating at this point as well, I could feel my tank top sticking to my back, the dampness of the back of my head as well. Whether from the pain or the heat, I am not sure. But the pain was not going away, and the heat was not helping, that's all I knew.

Nicky showed up right about then. Time still is blurry about that, and Misk told her the kids were out playing, they would be back, etcetera. I glanced in her direction, but wouldn't look at her, I don't even know why, I just knew I couldn't look her in the eye, but the half-second I did, I am pretty sure she saw the pain, terror, and fear in my eyes.

I could only think in abstracts, and one of my dominant thoughts was "I am dying".

Because pain like this only happens when you are dying, right?



And now, because this we seem to be at a good place to stop, I will....obviously am not dead, but I really need to take a break typing and do some cleaning.

~Cissa

We're only happy if we shop until we drop. In search of bargains we will never stop.

Wednesday was a good day for me, I was especially proud of my self-control.

You see, I tend to be a bit of a shop-a-holic.

It all starts out innocently enough. I will make a list of things I need, and stick to that list dutifully. but somewhere in the mix, I will see something that I want, or have been wanting for a while, and if I know I have a little extra money, I grab it and put it in a cart. I will tell myself in my mind, naturally, that I am justified in what I have just put in the cart because we have the money, I've put off getting it, etc.

Most times, as I finally decide I am done at the store (or I am running late and need to leave) I will peruse my cart's contents and question whether or not I really can afford it, or need it, or deserve it. I have been known to literally empty out a whole cart except for the things that are on my list.

Wednesday, I didn't have a list. I went to the little salon where I occasionally get manicures and pedicures to wax my eyebrows. It's in a little plaza that is trumped by a Wal-Greens. As I had been in search for a backpack for a couple days for my trip to NYC for BrittCon, I decided to duck in there and see what they had...sometimes you will be surprised and find good stuff in the unlikeliest of places.

I ended up with a whole carry basket of stuff. i started to head to checkout, and sure enough, stopped and looked. it was filled with a bunch of crap I really didn't need. I forced myself to go back to where I had picked up each item, and place it back on the shelf. GO ME!

But I still needed a backpack. I headed to TJ Maxx....I didn't like the styles or prices, although I did see a bag for $7.99 that, at the time of this writing on Wednesday night, I may go back for on Thursday. But not before I perused the clothing, and seeing some stuff on sale, decided to go try a few things on....and then, I did it again. I made myself put back the 3 dresses and pj set I desperately wanted, but really did not need.

Having realized I was in compulsory mode, I quickly exited the store and headed home. I was proud that I had resisted the temptation. That day, anyway!

Oh Happy Day! Oh Happy Day!

As this post will be posted at midnight, that means it's Friday. And as it is Friday, that means it is BRITCON 2008!

I am in New Haven as you all read this. My bags are packed, and I am probably sleeping on my friend Tink's couch dreaming of all the fun I am about to have.

I actually downloaded "Carrying the Banner" from the Newsies soundtrack onto my iPod so that I can play it as we approach the city. I arrive at about 10:30 am, and will be meeting Hellohahnarf soon after, I believe, at Grand Central Station. We'll probably do lunch and do a little wandering, killing time until it's time to meet Britt and Karl. We'll be meeting Britt and Karl about 4 at the hotel, and then the adventure begins!

I hope Britt, Karl, Hellohahanarf, Poppy and Dawg are not too scared when I begin to burst into song at random points around the City.

I also will randomly spurt out movie lines. I can't help it. Sometimes I don't even realize I am doing it until I notice the funny looks. I really have seen some movies waaaay too many times....

Oh yeah, it's gonna be a GREAT weekend!

~Cissa