I've been wrong, I've been down, to the bottom of every bottle ....

My husband has a drinking problem.

It's not that he's violent, or drinks all the time. He binges. And when he does this, he ends up saying things that hurt...even if they are true.

You know the saying "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts?" That pretty much sums up what being with my husband when he is totally wasted is like.

Many many many times over he's "tried" to stop drinking. He'll do well for a little while, then he starts again. Usually this brought on by a stressful time in his life from work.

Not this time. This time, I cannot find a reason why he would start doing this again. I've tried to get him help. I've tried to get him to AA meetings. He refuses, because he hates that at meetings they try to convert you to Christianity. His take on it is he's got his own faith in whatever he believes, thank you very much, and he doesn't want anyone trying to push their beliefs on him. I could take the issue to his command, but I've also tried that in the past. The issue was literally swept under the rug -- twice. Short of aggravating him to the point where he strikes me, which he has never done in the 11 years together and nearly 10 years of marriage, I am helpless. I also do not want to do that becasue I would not ever want him to go to jail, and also The Navy would probably end up discharging him and we'd have no where to go.

I love my husband. I want to help him, I have supported him as best I can. But I am drained.

I have no one to turn to. My friends are all...very busy with their own lives. Thier husbands have come home from deployment, and save for a few 5-10 minute phone calls and the usually short visits of one friend, if that, I have not heard from most my friends in nearly a month. Most of them are moving in a couple months time. The command my husband is in right now has no support system, and he doesn't have any friends that I could meet and get to know their wives.

I'm pretty much alone and on my own. And it's a feeling that makes me filled with dispair.

Don't get me wrong. I love all the time I have with my family. I love my kids and husband. But sometimes, I need a friend. And lately....I don't really have any. Sure I have friends and acquaintences on the internet, I've seen that through the comments and emails. And it's nice to know.

But right now? I am very alone. And I feel myself getting into a depression that I don't see any way out of. And I am scared. My worst fear in life is to be alone. And lately, I've been facing that fear head-on. And it sucks.

So, that's why I've not been around a lot. That's why I've not been to the radio shows, and commented a whole lot. I'm in the funk, and I don't know what I can do. I'm tired. I don't even see the poitn of trying anymore because, honestly, I'll just end up back here again.

It hurts, ya know? I have been there for my friends when they needed me. We took my friend Nicky out for her birthday back in July. My birthday? I got 2 text messages, comments on my blog after asking for them, and on my Facebook page. No night out on the town. No dinner and drinks. Not even a card (excpet Angie, yes, she did remember but on my actual birthday she was away).

Not one of my friends called. And when I do call my friends, because 90% of the time that's how I end up talking to them, I get the feeling that I am interrupting their happy times with their husbands. And I don't want to do that. Out of respect for them I have stayed away, but in the process I've ended up hurting myself, I guess.

I don't know what else to do. I'm lost, I'm alone.

I feel like I am whining. Maybe I am. but I am at the point where doing anything else almost seems assanine.

And so, I leave you all for a while. I need the prespective of my own life. I'll be lurking, reading blogs through my reader and leaving the occasional comment here and there. But for now....I'm on hiatus.

I wish you all the very best while I am gone.....

~Cissa

It was ladies night, oh what a night!

I promised pictures, and after being chastized by Nessa, here they are.....

I am in my bath towel as I type having just taken a ridiculously long shower....Mr. Fabulous can day dream on that all day while I post pictures from Sub Ball...

Me with pin curls - front view

Top view

Back View


With the 'do rag on and a 2nd glass of wine...

Me after taking the pin curls out, before the brushing commenced


Mid Brushing.....


Finished Product-- Me right before we left


The Ladies and I at the ball...


Our Centerpiece
(we were the only ones who brought one -- apparently this base doens't do the centerpiece competition anymore)


Me, full picture


A really good picture of Brandi I had to put in because of the "Window Incident"
which I will explain later....


A really good picture of Erin too....

And that's it folks! HAPPY NOW NESSA???

A remedy for all your ills at the Lost & Found....

I cannot find my ditty bag.

I have been tearing this house apart trying to find it.

Oh yeah, ditty bag...that's military for "Toiletries Bag".

I had this really nice one that came with a luggage set that I got when I went to Florida back in October. It hangs on a self contained hook and has organize nooks and crannies, etc. It's really cute. Last I saw it was back in December when I spent the night at Nessa's. But it's gone now, and I am freaking out.

It has stuff I left in it, you see. Things that I specially selected for my anal retentive self for trips overnight. I have this huge fear of running out of something I will need on a trip, even an over night one. Granted, Nessa live litterally, right down the street from a CVS and Wal-greens and a Wal-mart even. Hell i bet she even has stuff of her own I can use!

But I am still freaking out.

Come to think of it...I haven't seen that little gym bag it came with either....last I saw that I was with Nicky...hmmm...maybe it's in the garage...

But I am entirely too tired to look for it now. I would have to go downstairs to the garage. At night. With bad lighting...into a garage filled with total CRAP...yeah..so I am thinking I will wait until tomorrow when it's daylight. I will save the risk of falling and breaking my neck. Plus I might actually find it tomorrow.

If it's not in there, there's only one other place it could be -- in Maine with my mother. I truly hope it isn't. I mean not that I mind really, but if she did borrow it, some warning might have been nice so that I did not freak out like I am now...and could have at least emptied it before she took it.

I guess I will just wait and see.

In the mean time, I must stop with the packing and get some sleep.

I bet that Diet Coke I just drank while I freaked out isn't going to help that. Damn...

Have a great rest of your week, folks.

~Cissa

Drowning in Boxes ....Floating on a New Mattress!

This is the sight in my kitchen as you walk down the stairs this morning:

This is a mere 4 ft away to the left:

The bag has another box and about 10 t-shirts and 10 bags of cards and large notepad paper with written messages on it. Moving on.....

Turn the corner and walk into the kitchen and you are assaulted with this sight:

Another 10 feet reveals my laundry room is also a victim of boxes and bags:

And this isn't counting the approximately 10 boxes in the garage.....


This is what I have been doing for the last month. It is a sure sign that Deployment is on the horizon. Personally I can't wait for the day I take all this crap down to the boat and am rid of it. Talk about stressing me out. I have questioned the stupidity of humans more than once in the last 14 days. I swear, people really are idiots. And they make more out of something than nothing. All this stuff is not as hard as they have made it. really , it isn't. Common sense just has left the building that is these people's brains. I really am gobsmacked at how a simple concepts or two can be misconstrued in so many different ways.....

On a side note, Nessa, I eagerly await your package. It will be nice to get something for myself than boxes for sailors!

The tax return is coming. Hubby says we can get an actual BED and a new matress. We're going King size! woot....

The bad part? I have all Queen bedding stuff.....gonna have to buy some stuff to replace this!

Linens n' Things here we come!!

As soon as the boxes are gone that is!

Not-So-Happy Valentine's Day

OK to catch up...I DID get a minivan! I love it. It's a Ford Windstar. It's green. It's big. I named her Bertha.

The getaway was great. We ate in great restaurants, gambled, had lots of sex in the middle of the day....definitely NOT what we can do at home....it wasn't long enough. I wanna go back!

Hubby reported back from leave. Which brings us to today - Valentine's Day. How did I spend my day? Bundled up in my house, due to a lovely Nor'easter named Agatha. Oh yes, and with NO HUBBY! You read that right folks, I was alone. The first holiday since Hubby's return and he has duty. But it's Valentine's Day....so of course we wouldn't be together. Let me explain...

We met in Nov. 1997.
Valentines of 1998 - He was out to sea - 1 for alone
Valentines of 1999 - He was on restriction on base, although we did get to be together - 1 for together
Valentines of 2000 - He was out to sea - 2 for alone
Valentines of 2001 - He was home from a deployment - 2 for together.
Valentines of 2002 - He was out to sea - 3 for alone
Valentines of 2003 - He was home on shore duty - 3 for together
Valentines of 2004 - He was home on shore duty - 4 for together- BUT had a 5 month old and we didn't celebrate because 4 days later I had surgery and wasn't allowed to do anything rigorous, including sex.
Valentines of 2005 - I was in Atlanta and then drove to Iowa to help a friend move - 4 for alone
Valentines of 2006 - He was out to sea yet again - 5 for alone, however he did send me expensive roses
Valentines of 2007 - He's home, but he's got DUTY...I didn't even get a phone call from him today. I am not making a big deal though because he bought me a car and a Dooney and Bourke Purse AND matching wallet, and lemme tell ya, none of it was cheap - 6 for alone

The Tally? 6 alone and 4 together...almost 50/50...which most people who are in the Navy will tell you aren't bad numbers....after the 3rd year where we were apart, we stopped really caring about the holiday anyway....so yeah I'm disappointed that the holiday that makes the Jewelry, Teddy Bear, Floral and Greeting Card industries a nice chunk of change was spent alone...but by now, I'm used to it.....

I hope those of you out there who are lucky to have a love in your life, in form or another had a great day....Me? I just hope Emmy has school tomorrow. She was devastated that she missed giving out Valentines to her classmates.....I hope they do it tomorrow....other wise, that's $10 down the drain for valentines and candies!!