My husband has a drinking problem.
It's not that he's violent, or drinks all the time. He binges. And when he does this, he ends up saying things that hurt...even if they are true.
You know the saying "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts?" That pretty much sums up what being with my husband when he is totally wasted is like.
Many many many times over he's "tried" to stop drinking. He'll do well for a little while, then he starts again. Usually this brought on by a stressful time in his life from work.
Not this time. This time, I cannot find a reason why he would start doing this again. I've tried to get him help. I've tried to get him to AA meetings. He refuses, because he hates that at meetings they try to convert you to Christianity. His take on it is he's got his own faith in whatever he believes, thank you very much, and he doesn't want anyone trying to push their beliefs on him. I could take the issue to his command, but I've also tried that in the past. The issue was literally swept under the rug -- twice. Short of aggravating him to the point where he strikes me, which he has never done in the 11 years together and nearly 10 years of marriage, I am helpless. I also do not want to do that becasue I would not ever want him to go to jail, and also The Navy would probably end up discharging him and we'd have no where to go.
I love my husband. I want to help him, I have supported him as best I can. But I am drained.
I have no one to turn to. My friends are all...very busy with their own lives. Thier husbands have come home from deployment, and save for a few 5-10 minute phone calls and the usually short visits of one friend, if that, I have not heard from most my friends in nearly a month. Most of them are moving in a couple months time. The command my husband is in right now has no support system, and he doesn't have any friends that I could meet and get to know their wives.
I'm pretty much alone and on my own. And it's a feeling that makes me filled with dispair.
Don't get me wrong. I love all the time I have with my family. I love my kids and husband. But sometimes, I need a friend. And lately....I don't really have any. Sure I have friends and acquaintences on the internet, I've seen that through the comments and emails. And it's nice to know.
But right now? I am very alone. And I feel myself getting into a depression that I don't see any way out of. And I am scared. My worst fear in life is to be alone. And lately, I've been facing that fear head-on. And it sucks.
So, that's why I've not been around a lot. That's why I've not been to the radio shows, and commented a whole lot. I'm in the funk, and I don't know what I can do. I'm tired. I don't even see the poitn of trying anymore because, honestly, I'll just end up back here again.
It hurts, ya know? I have been there for my friends when they needed me. We took my friend Nicky out for her birthday back in July. My birthday? I got 2 text messages, comments on my blog after asking for them, and on my Facebook page. No night out on the town. No dinner and drinks. Not even a card (excpet Angie, yes, she did remember but on my actual birthday she was away).
Not one of my friends called. And when I do call my friends, because 90% of the time that's how I end up talking to them, I get the feeling that I am interrupting their happy times with their husbands. And I don't want to do that. Out of respect for them I have stayed away, but in the process I've ended up hurting myself, I guess.
I don't know what else to do. I'm lost, I'm alone.
I feel like I am whining. Maybe I am. but I am at the point where doing anything else almost seems assanine.
And so, I leave you all for a while. I need the prespective of my own life. I'll be lurking, reading blogs through my reader and leaving the occasional comment here and there. But for now....I'm on hiatus.
I wish you all the very best while I am gone.....
~Cissa
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I've been wrong, I've been down, to the bottom of every bottle ....
Friday, April 04, 2008
I go crazy, crazy, crazy for you baby...
**WARNING: Tons of swearing today....my apologies to Dr. John**
Yeah, so uh....yeah.
You know when you have one of those weeks that you just wish you could "do over"?
This was one of them.
Kaity has bronchitis. Yep, Mother of the year, I am not. I passed BRONCHITIS onto my poor kid. I am just waiting for the fucking call from DCF.
Misk started his new job at SubSchool. He pretty much hates it. And the office he's in is FIRM on him not leaving a fucking SECOND before 4:00 pm. Did I mention that I have to BE AT MY JOB at 4:00 pm? yeah...my boss is really not happy. Oh fucking well. Let him fire me, then.
I went to New Haven this week for my Dnetal Hygene Clinic Patient-being for Angie, and because of some scheduling issues (Kaity was sick and I volunteered to cover Wednesday night shift at the reatuarant for a sick co-worker), ended up driving in Misk's truck. SUV. Whatever. I call it the Piece of Shit. I feared for my life, lemme tell you. This was promptly followed by me informing Misk that he has until next Tuesday to suck up his foot pain and start driving his truck again.
I REFUSE to drive to Woods Hole next week WITH THE KIDS in that Piece of Shit.
And yet another reason why I do not want to go all that way in Misk's truck:
My friend was in a car accident with her kids. IN AN SUV.
Her daughter is Kaity's classmate. We've done play dates together. I have done my share of crying and praying since I found out. God, Goddess, Buddah, Allah, all of them, I am not going to discriminate. If ANY deity can help my friend and her kids, I'll take it.
Let's see what else? Oh yes! Finally some good news on the Fireheart Front: I got my first donor to my Great Strides campaign! THANK YOU LIZA!! I know for you it was a little more personal, but I do appreciate it. If you want your "award" please let me know!
I also got a request for a smaller button. Apparently this button does NOT want to be resized, and looks like crap, but...here it is....along with the original button, for those of you who would be wonderful and put this on your blog to help me raise money for Finnegan....
Help Cissa Help Finnegan!
Help Cissa Help Finnegan!
Again I will say, if you would like to help me out, just click on the button to the right, make a small donation...$5, $10, if that's all you can spare. Help my Friend's son by helping to fund finding a cure! Thank You!
I have noticed so much entertainment news this week as well. Most importantly was New Kids on the Block "officially" announcing a reunion !! *SQUEE* I DVR'd it, so I can watch over and over. Misk just rolled his eyes when he heard. I am a child of the 80's. I really loved them. I even went to a concert of theirs once. I have fond memories of hearing a rumor they were coming to the Vineyard one summer, and Janey and I stood at the Oak Bluffs terminal ALL DAY, hoping and praying to catch a glimpse of them. Oh yeah, I was obsessed.
So I cannot wait for May. They will perform for the first time in like 14 years or something. I think they broke up in '94. I can't wait to hear what they've got now, with boy bands having come the way they have since then. It will be interesting, no doubt.
So there you have it folks, Cissa's week in a nutshell. Today is Friday. Tonight is Girls' Night Out. THANK GOODNESS! I know that at LEAST Nicky and I need to get together with our friends and regroup. I am sure that the rest of the Gals will need it too. When it rains, it fucking pours for us Navy Wives. Call me a psychic. April Fools Day really fucked with our systems. I really think tea and cake are in order tonight. Lots of cake, in fact. Those poor waiters at the restaurant don't know what's coming! LOL
Well I must go for now. Time to get the Piece of Shit Truck to the Oil Change Place. And get it inspected. And go buy a corset to wear to the ball next week. Yeah, I am fat and have a pooch. It needs to be hidden. For one night anyway.
I will try to blog tomorrow before or after work. No promises, cause there's no telling what will happen between now and then with the way my week's been going!
Have a FABULOUS weekend, folks!
~Cissa
Monday, March 31, 2008
Won't you please, please, help me?
Ok, so, You all know the power of Bloggers. I have seen it in many ways.
I have seen people send Hilly to Philly.
I have seen and myself donated to causes for Magazine Man, and his family.
I have seen Mr. Fabulous help babies through March of Dimes.
I have seen some of you help me out last year. And again, I ask for your help.
An old friend of mine from high school has a 4 year old son. His name is Finnegan.
Finnegan has Cystic Fibrosis. He's had it his whole life. He has spent the last 7 weeks in the Hasbro Children's Hospital in Providence due to this disease. Every day, through exhaustion, fear and hope, his parents, Patrick and Kerry send their friends an email update.
Every Year the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation has fund raising walks called "Great Strides" across America. usually these walks happen in April and May around the country. the Providence RI Great Strides will be on May 10th. I will once again join Finnz Friendz and walk to raise money for this great little boy. This is where I need all of your help.
here's a button:
Help Cissa Help Finnegan!
Please, please please, click on it and consider making a donation to help with Cystic Fibrosis research. All the info about CF is on the page from the link.
Now...I have another favor to ask....this goes out to you people who I know like to help people. I would LOVE to be able to see this link all over the net. If you have a blog that you would not mind putting a link/button on for this cause, PLEASE copy and paste this link stuff into your blog somewhere:
Some of you have HUGE readerships, and though I am rebuilding mine, I know it is considerably less than other blogs I myself visit. Your blogs reach more people. People who may be willing to donate $5 to help Finnegan and ALL people affected by CF. If I can help by someone donating even that much times 10? that's 1/3rd of my goal. And if I can surpass my goal, that makes me happy, because I know I will have helped to save my friend's child's life.
This is a great cause. I only ask this one thing from my fellow bloggers and readers of this blog. please help me help out someone else.
Thanks in advance if you donate or put a button on your page. And PLEASE let me know if you do put a link on your blog! I am working on making a little "award" to post if you donate/put up a button. Thanks again!
~Cissa
