I've been wrong, I've been down, to the bottom of every bottle ....

My husband has a drinking problem.

It's not that he's violent, or drinks all the time. He binges. And when he does this, he ends up saying things that hurt...even if they are true.

You know the saying "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts?" That pretty much sums up what being with my husband when he is totally wasted is like.

Many many many times over he's "tried" to stop drinking. He'll do well for a little while, then he starts again. Usually this brought on by a stressful time in his life from work.

Not this time. This time, I cannot find a reason why he would start doing this again. I've tried to get him help. I've tried to get him to AA meetings. He refuses, because he hates that at meetings they try to convert you to Christianity. His take on it is he's got his own faith in whatever he believes, thank you very much, and he doesn't want anyone trying to push their beliefs on him. I could take the issue to his command, but I've also tried that in the past. The issue was literally swept under the rug -- twice. Short of aggravating him to the point where he strikes me, which he has never done in the 11 years together and nearly 10 years of marriage, I am helpless. I also do not want to do that becasue I would not ever want him to go to jail, and also The Navy would probably end up discharging him and we'd have no where to go.

I love my husband. I want to help him, I have supported him as best I can. But I am drained.

I have no one to turn to. My friends are all...very busy with their own lives. Thier husbands have come home from deployment, and save for a few 5-10 minute phone calls and the usually short visits of one friend, if that, I have not heard from most my friends in nearly a month. Most of them are moving in a couple months time. The command my husband is in right now has no support system, and he doesn't have any friends that I could meet and get to know their wives.

I'm pretty much alone and on my own. And it's a feeling that makes me filled with dispair.

Don't get me wrong. I love all the time I have with my family. I love my kids and husband. But sometimes, I need a friend. And lately....I don't really have any. Sure I have friends and acquaintences on the internet, I've seen that through the comments and emails. And it's nice to know.

But right now? I am very alone. And I feel myself getting into a depression that I don't see any way out of. And I am scared. My worst fear in life is to be alone. And lately, I've been facing that fear head-on. And it sucks.

So, that's why I've not been around a lot. That's why I've not been to the radio shows, and commented a whole lot. I'm in the funk, and I don't know what I can do. I'm tired. I don't even see the poitn of trying anymore because, honestly, I'll just end up back here again.

It hurts, ya know? I have been there for my friends when they needed me. We took my friend Nicky out for her birthday back in July. My birthday? I got 2 text messages, comments on my blog after asking for them, and on my Facebook page. No night out on the town. No dinner and drinks. Not even a card (excpet Angie, yes, she did remember but on my actual birthday she was away).

Not one of my friends called. And when I do call my friends, because 90% of the time that's how I end up talking to them, I get the feeling that I am interrupting their happy times with their husbands. And I don't want to do that. Out of respect for them I have stayed away, but in the process I've ended up hurting myself, I guess.

I don't know what else to do. I'm lost, I'm alone.

I feel like I am whining. Maybe I am. but I am at the point where doing anything else almost seems assanine.

And so, I leave you all for a while. I need the prespective of my own life. I'll be lurking, reading blogs through my reader and leaving the occasional comment here and there. But for now....I'm on hiatus.

I wish you all the very best while I am gone.....

~Cissa

In Memoriam of The Puppy Monster

Though I was not active in the blogosphere at this time, many of my blog buddies were.

But I can relate, in a way I wish I couldn't.

Out of respect for NYCWD, and naturally, DJ, I post this today. You are in all of our hearts and thoughts today, Dawg.

Money don't get everything it's true, What it don't get, I can't use ...

What a crappy morning I have had so far. That's a fabulous way to start a blog entry, eh?

Things are not so good in Fireheart House. Misk has finally lost all patience and directed me to tell my mother she needs to leave, post haste. He's said we will buy her a bus ticket to Maine if we have to. Ok, so I go to tell my mom and...apparently, her boyfriend in Maine has not been keeping in contact with her, and it seems that...well, he's lost interest.

I knew this would happen, I just knew it.....I saw it coming, and I should have acted sooner to get her back there. Damn it all to Miami.....*sigh*Right, back to my story...

After having an in-depth talk with her and explaining that Misk has expressed his desire for her to leave now, that things, as great as I make them out to be, have been strained with us due to the lack of comfort and privacy in our home. She has pronounced, that hell or high water, she will be out in 2 weeks time.

Well, whether she goes to Maine or not, one thing is for sure:

I will not be able to make it to BrittCon, unless a miracle occurs, and I come into some money. We had depended on that lovely little Economic Stimulus check to arrive so I could go to New York, have a blast, and not worry about the finances, but it never did. Misk seems to think it still might, but I am not holding my breath. Just like we though my mom would only be staying with us for a few months (which turned into a YEAR), that's just not how it happened.

I am rather disappointed at the fact that I won't be able to tool around NYC with my Blogging Friends and Idols. And as much as it would be somewhat feasible for me to afford my train tickets and room at the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen & Marine's Club, it would not be as feasible for me to survive in the food department. Unless by food, you mean $1 hot dogs from corner carts. While they are tasty, it would not be healthy or a good idea for 3 days straight. i could also live on fruit from Bodegas and bottle water, but again, probably not such a great idea...

So, that's it....my little sheltered existence has imploded into one big disappointment. Yeah I'm being dramatical about it, but I was so very much looking forward to it.

I am still holding a birthday-sized candle of hope that the stimulus check shows up, but if it doesn't by the 22nd, I am canceling my reservation in NYC.

And, somehow, getting my mother out of this house.

I hope the rest of you are having a better week,
~Cissa