Oh, how we danced on the night we were wed, We vowed our true love, though a word wasn't said...

At approximately 2:00PM, Eastern Staandard Time, On Monday, October 12, 1998 I became MRS. Cissa Fireheart (well, ok, maybe that's not my real name but you get the meaning).

It was a cool October day, Columbus Day, to be exact, and although Misk and I were already living together and planning on getting married in June on The Vineyard, where my dad and step-mom got married, we eloped.

There are days that I wish I had put the effort in to save money and actually just have the big wedding. Then there have been days, especially in the last 3 years, being involved with big weddings, that I think Misk and I made the best decisions of our lives, to just...get it done.

We knew in our hearts that we were soul mates. We knew we would be together forever. We just needed to go through the legalities of the paperwork in our opinion. Neither one of us was a very devout person of faith, any faith, at that time, so we had resolved that just getting a justice of the peace to perform was a good idea.

It was. We had a nice day. 7 guests. the "feast" was home made meatball grinders, home made cookies, champagne and a few cases of beer (which coincidentally were mostly what our friends gave us as wedding presents). There was only one family member present; my real mother. In retrospect, I wish I had managed to get my Nana there, as she would be passing from this world not even a year later, but at the time, I didn't want a big fuss. I just wanted to get the marriage done and over with so Misk and I could get on with our lives together.

The last 10 years have been....crazy. 5 years ago, I nearly ended up divorced when Misk was first on Shore Duty, because it was then that married life, I mean what normal married people who see each other everyday (and don't have 6 month deployments, various underways and whatnot) go through. He wasn't sure he could handle being married and being a father. He got scared.....and freaked out, so to speak. But we got through it.

We've buried a child, we've lost loved ones. We gotten through various trips to and visits from our in-laws. We've got 2 beautiful daughters who mean the world to us. We've faced near poverty. A few times, we've not eaten, or taken ice-cold showers in January when we couldn't afford oil, or sat in the darkness of oil lamps and candles when we couldn't pay the electric bill for a week or two. Through it all, we have loved each other and clung onto the belief that we, together, can still love each other and deal with the problems, tragedies, and hardships that life throws at us. Through it all, we still love each other as much, if not more, as the day we were married, on that cloudy October afternoon in 1998.

Yesterday, as part of our Anniversary Celebrating, we headed to The Connecticut Renaissance Faire. Misk even consented to wearing period garb for me. I brought my camera, but did I take pictures? Nope. Well, this year the storyline of King Arthur led to the wedding of Arthur and Guinevere. It was all very sweet. After the wedding, as we left the faire grounds and headed home, I could see the "reception" going on. Arther and Guinevere were dancing. It reminded me of something we did after our wedding, at the justice of the peace's house. I gave a sigh , looked at Misk and said,

"Look babe, it's their first dance, as a married couple!" Misk let out a chuckle, and I knew he remembered what the significance of my words meant. for just about the first month of marriage, anytime we did anything we hadn't done in a while, we'd say "It's our first __________ as a married couple!" We haven't said tha stuff in quite a while, as I am sure you all realize, but in the last 24 hours, we've said it quite a few times.

Just now, as I was typing this up, Misk came over and gave me a kiss and said,

"It's our first 10-year Anniversary as a married couple!"

Indeed it is, My Love.

I Love You....
With All of my heart, and all of my soul,
For all that I am, forever and ever.....AMEN!



Happy 10th Anniversary to Us.


~Cissa

Come my little friends, As we all sing a happy little working song...

It's a Bullet Monday... too tired to write a full post.

• I made almost nothing for tips last night. The bar was dead at 10:30 pm and I was forced to sit there til Midnight. More Sucktacular Sunday.
• 
  
• Today the weather is crappy again, and it is keeping me in a foul mood. I love Autumn, but I hate cold, cloudy, rain-looming days.
• 
  
• I have to work again today, of course, and at the moment, it is the bright spot in my dreary day. I really cannot wait to be there. I never imagined I would find a job I liked so dang much!
• 
  
• I seriously need to get some more music for my iPod. Or make up some good playlists. Since I can listen at work, it's helped me stay focused. I work better with music.
• 
  
• My anniversary is Sunday. Misk got me my present already and I haven't a clue what to get him. we weren't supposed to be getting presents for each other this year, even though it's a milestone. Then he gets me "Guitar Hero Aerosmith". I asked him what he wants. his answer? A NewEgg.com gift certificate. How original. I think I'll get him a new watch, his is falling apart.
• 
  
• I miss my friends. I was invited to hang with them yesterday, but couldn't because I had to work. I think they are all coming to the Renaissance Faire with me on Saturday though. A girl can hope! I'm lonely without them.
• 
  
• I can't figure out how to get Blogger's bullets to delete in-between so I can space stuff out. this frustrates me...oh well.
  

That's all for today. Have a great Monday.

~Cissa

Everybody's workin' for the weekend.....

And so, my first official week at Corporate America has ended!

It was a long week, but I learned a lot. I also made a couple good friends at work, and that makes me warm and fuzzy. One friend will officially be a supervisor come November, and she has entrusted me to learn the accounts she usually handles because she thinks I do so well and learn quick, and have good attention to detail.

I feel so awesome. I cannot describe my happiness in this perfect, perfect job.

As I was typing this up, Misk offered to give me my Anniversary Present a week early. Of course I said yes!

What did he get me? Only the wickedly awesomest game out there today --



Have I mentioned that I have the BEST HUSBAND EVER??? No? WELL I DO!!

Now I am off to play with my new game. Hope you all have a great weekend!

~Cissa

p.s. sorry for the short post, but my wickedly super awesome Anniversary present has completely wiped any other thoughts I wanted to put down. maybe tomorrow will be a longer post.....

I've been wrong, I've been down, to the bottom of every bottle ....

My husband has a drinking problem.

It's not that he's violent, or drinks all the time. He binges. And when he does this, he ends up saying things that hurt...even if they are true.

You know the saying "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts?" That pretty much sums up what being with my husband when he is totally wasted is like.

Many many many times over he's "tried" to stop drinking. He'll do well for a little while, then he starts again. Usually this brought on by a stressful time in his life from work.

Not this time. This time, I cannot find a reason why he would start doing this again. I've tried to get him help. I've tried to get him to AA meetings. He refuses, because he hates that at meetings they try to convert you to Christianity. His take on it is he's got his own faith in whatever he believes, thank you very much, and he doesn't want anyone trying to push their beliefs on him. I could take the issue to his command, but I've also tried that in the past. The issue was literally swept under the rug -- twice. Short of aggravating him to the point where he strikes me, which he has never done in the 11 years together and nearly 10 years of marriage, I am helpless. I also do not want to do that becasue I would not ever want him to go to jail, and also The Navy would probably end up discharging him and we'd have no where to go.

I love my husband. I want to help him, I have supported him as best I can. But I am drained.

I have no one to turn to. My friends are all...very busy with their own lives. Thier husbands have come home from deployment, and save for a few 5-10 minute phone calls and the usually short visits of one friend, if that, I have not heard from most my friends in nearly a month. Most of them are moving in a couple months time. The command my husband is in right now has no support system, and he doesn't have any friends that I could meet and get to know their wives.

I'm pretty much alone and on my own. And it's a feeling that makes me filled with dispair.

Don't get me wrong. I love all the time I have with my family. I love my kids and husband. But sometimes, I need a friend. And lately....I don't really have any. Sure I have friends and acquaintences on the internet, I've seen that through the comments and emails. And it's nice to know.

But right now? I am very alone. And I feel myself getting into a depression that I don't see any way out of. And I am scared. My worst fear in life is to be alone. And lately, I've been facing that fear head-on. And it sucks.

So, that's why I've not been around a lot. That's why I've not been to the radio shows, and commented a whole lot. I'm in the funk, and I don't know what I can do. I'm tired. I don't even see the poitn of trying anymore because, honestly, I'll just end up back here again.

It hurts, ya know? I have been there for my friends when they needed me. We took my friend Nicky out for her birthday back in July. My birthday? I got 2 text messages, comments on my blog after asking for them, and on my Facebook page. No night out on the town. No dinner and drinks. Not even a card (excpet Angie, yes, she did remember but on my actual birthday she was away).

Not one of my friends called. And when I do call my friends, because 90% of the time that's how I end up talking to them, I get the feeling that I am interrupting their happy times with their husbands. And I don't want to do that. Out of respect for them I have stayed away, but in the process I've ended up hurting myself, I guess.

I don't know what else to do. I'm lost, I'm alone.

I feel like I am whining. Maybe I am. but I am at the point where doing anything else almost seems assanine.

And so, I leave you all for a while. I need the prespective of my own life. I'll be lurking, reading blogs through my reader and leaving the occasional comment here and there. But for now....I'm on hiatus.

I wish you all the very best while I am gone.....

~Cissa

I signed up for PPP...and it's a Murphy's Law Day

What is PPP you ask? Well some of you know, some of you don't, so if you know, thanks for reading on anyway...

PPP means Pay Per Post. I figure, I post at least 4 times a week. So, why not take the time to possibly get paid to post about things, mostly products I like or think are cool? People do it all the time. I am not trying to make a career out of it or anything, BUT...hey, if I can get enough money to possibly pay for a domain name, that would be pretty cool, don't you think?

So here I am. This is my first PPP post, and don't worry, they will be obvious, because you will see this little icon thingie on them all:



I've already spied a few things I want to post about, and probably near the end of the week, you will hear about at least one of them. I would never ever try to endorse something I don't agree with, or that I wouldn't use. So no worries, ok? I still have some morals left!

Now, onto everything else.....

Well there isn't much. Misk got his nose splints out, and then proceeded to snore like a chainsaw, in my face, all night long. We all woke up late this morning and it was a mad scramble to get the kids off to camp. Then while getting breakfast, the entire contents of my change pocket in my wallet spilled into my purse. then the McDonald's we went to DID NOT HAVE SWEET TEA!

Today is a Murphy's Law Day. I am hoping with the addition of the PPP stuff, my day will get better! but if Murphy has anything to do with it? Things will keep messing up...of course, it's been three things, so maybe my Three-fold belief will kick in and some good stuff will happen! I guess we'll see :)

This afternoon we are heading to my kid's camp to see Emily perform in "Camp Idol" She's going to be singing! Woot!

Hvae a great summer day, folks!

~Cissa

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Dodio-doe, there'll be no nose job, Said dodio-doe, no nose job (smarter than that)

Today Misk is getting nose surgery. His septum is so deviated, it is completely blocked off one nostril, and he is not getting enough oxygen in his blood. he also snores like a fucking chainsaw, and I am hoping that the doctor is right and he will be a lot quieter when in bed...sleeping.....

I am hoping that his nose structure will not change, but the doctor said that it might. I mean, c'mon...look at this face....

(Misk at a BBQ on Martha's Vineyard last weekend)

How could I possibly want that hotness to change??

So, I will not be around to post day 2 of BrittCon, unfortunately, unless he ends up sleeping all day. By the time most of you all read this, he will be at the Naval Ambulatory Care Center, getting sedated in order to get cut up, and I will be in the waiting room, reading and hoping he doesn't die (although the 400K insurance policy might ease the pain -- KIDDING!)

I hope you all have a great weekend. I will be playing nurse to Misk. yay.

~Cissa

I cannot come up with a song lyric today....wow.

You people are not going to believe this: I think I might have bronchitis...AGAIN!

Seriously, I have been hacking up a lung for the last few days, sucking down generic menthol eucalyptus drops like they are going out of style, and generally feeling miserable, including a stuffy nose and my nodes are swollen all nice and stuff. (TWKS)

I am sick, but I don't have the time to be.

Today and tomorrow are my last 2 days of scheduled work for my waitressing job. I doubt I will make much money, only for the simple fact that I have to share the shift with another waitress, my replacement, as she trains to fill my position (TWKS...damn I'm on a roll!).

This kinda sucks, because I am willing to bet that my tips would help a lot with my financial situation in trying to make it to BrittCon. but now that they are halved, maybe not. I don't' feel too bad because the girl who is taking my weekend shifts is a nice girl, and I actually am kinda sad I won't get to work with her. But still, lots of money would be nice too.

After being done with work, I have the following to do next week:

• get mom finalized and all packed up (non-furniture stuff)
  
• be a chaperone on a field trip for The Bug
• attend a "end of year" class picnic for The Bug (must remember paper plates)
• read up on Litha (Midsummer) rituals, which is this week and ritual is Sunday
• get the U-haul (reservation made)
• pack the U-haul, with just me and Mom to do it (Misk will conveniently be at work)
• get the U-haul with mom's stuff to RI and then unpack it.
• get back to CT not too late so Misk doesn't bitch more about having to drive somewhere after a "long week" of sitting on his ass in an air conditioned office until Friday when he actually does his work.
  
• move my furniture that was in the garage for the last year back into my living room where it belongs...then vacuum and deodorize it....
• Clean my house with lots of hot water, bleach, ammonia, anti-bacterial Mr. Clean, etc. on my knees scrubbing and throwing out a LOT of crap that mom will have left for me "to sell at a yard sale"
• FINALLY set up a permanent altar in the living room, like I have been wanting to do for months.
  
• get together with my friends for an "adult toy party" stay up late and drink, etc.
• go to Litha Ritual on Sunday.
  
• constantly remind Misk that I am not going to BrittCon because his piece of shit truck needed brakes And also remind him he isn't getting the lovin' from me.
• check the mailbox with fervor everyday at 4 pm for that fucking stimulus check.
• Revel in the fact that my Mother is going to be out of my house and after she is gone, enjoy my home once more!
  

Misk is still holding out hope for the stimulus check. He really wants to get laid. Yesterday's post still holds true. I refuse to have sex with him if I don't get to go to BrittCon and he gets his brakes on his piece of shit car.

But anyway. So as much as going to work thrills me, and I'm being ironical here, folks, I don't want to go because I feel like total crap. When I go in, I am willing to bet my boss (for 2 more days) will try to say I am faking it, make some disparaging/insulting comments about my home life/sex life/marriage/friends and I will be even more ticked off.

I totally will not miss his comments.

I hope I make it through today without too much crap from anyone. Maybe it's just PMS or something, but I will crack some skulls if I have to this week.

Enjoy your weekend, everyone!

~Cissa

You dropped a bomb on me, baby, you dropped a bomb on me...

And my own personal drama continues to rear its ugly head.....mix this with lack of sleep and I am in the foulest mood I have been in this week. And that's saying something!

Last night as Misk and I were laying in bed attempting to go to sleep, we were talking about costs of moving mom (which u-haul do we want and for how much), as today is Military Payday, and we would be doing our usual money stuff....our "out-loud budget" if you will...consider it saving a tree so we don't write it down. Then in the middle of this Misk drops a bomb:

Misk: "I need to get new brakes for my truck, I'd like to do that this weekend."

Me: ".................(long silence)............"

Misk: "Are you still awake?"

Me: *sniffle* (almost whisper) "yes.............(another long silence)........well I guess this means that unless we get that fucking stimulus check I am definitely not going to New York. (insert voice volume getting louder) I guess the little spark of hope I had to go is all but gone now. And to think I was actually getting excited that it was possible (just about a holler) and when exactly were you going to let me know? Before or AFTER I STARTED PACKING????"

Misk: "That's why I am telling you now. Sorry."

Me: (inject snarky sarcastic tone) "Oh gee thanks so much for apologizing now. Because yesterday when I told you about Mom and RI you couldn't have interjected then at all, huh? (change tone to hurt and slightly whiny) Especially when you knew I was so happy because this meant I could still go to New York!"

Misk:........(long pause)......"Sorry Baby." *cue him reaching out to touch me in comfort*

Me: (in the most angry yet disgusted tone I can possibly muster) *through my tears as I move as far away on the bed as possible* "Fuck off and don't even think about getting laid for at least a month. UNLESS I go to New York. Otherwise don't even look at me, douche bag."

So.....things aren't so peachy keen after-all....and now I am angry and hurt, deceived, and rather bitter about him asking me to quit my job, when I could have financed my trip to BrittCon single-handedly on my checks. I didn't have to quit, much as I wanted to, until the summer was over.

Now, see, I realize that was my decision. I know it's not his fault. But I am angry and more than irritated that he waited so long to clue me into the fact that he needs new brakes for a car he drives MAYBE 5 miles a day in. Like his peice of shit truck couldn't go another 2 weeks for brakes? Whatever. Fuck him. He's gonna get his fucking brakes all right.

I hope it's worth it to him. I know I can do fine without marital relations. Not having sex isn't such a big issue to me. I've forcibly abstained for 6-month deployments, a few weeks is a drop in the bucket to me....Afterall, that's what vibrators are for, right?

Pissed off, yet still looking forward to tonight because it is FRIDAY and Girls Night Out,
~Cissa

And I know now how good it can be, because you love me...

It's already Thursday. It hardly seems real. This week has flown by so quickly, and even if I were to attempt to tell you all about it, it would fall woefully short of the impact of positive experiences I have been through. It's been a week that makes me love my life. No matter the hardships I've faced, underneath there is the core of my existence: happiness and love.

Every week, I find myself renewed in my love for my husband. Every week, he'll say something, do something, big or small, that makes my heart swell and I can't fathom that I could possibly love this man more than I did previously. Last night was one of those nights.

It wasn't anything major. We went out to dinner, just us, no kids, then after dinner, walked around Mystic to this little Irish pub and had a pint. What was so great was the conversation. He let me talk about everything and anything, interjecting his thoughts here and there, but mainly just listening. His eyes were intent on me, and I knew he wasn't just hearing...he was listening.

He was encouraging and open to my thoughts and comments. We aren't terribly well off by any means, but when I started to talk about BrittCon and all the folks that I am excited to meet and run around NYC with, he got it. He knew and let me know that I'm just being me, and I am going to experience something that will make me happy. He doesn't mind that he won't be there, because he knows, that sometimes, just sometimes, there are things I have to do on my own, and that doesn't make me love him any less. He told me to go, have fun, save my money for me to do this, and not to worry about stuff financially. His open nature to let me be the independently yet loyal spouse does wonders for my ego, my heart, and my soul. He gets me, and I don't know how or why, but when I have the sudden realizations about it, I feel like a bird soaring through the sky with happiness.

I know this post is all mushy and gushy, but I can't help it; It's how I feel. I am basking in the afterglow of love, of excitement, of inner-peace and happiness. This is how awesome my life can be. It's a great feeling, and I am glad I can take moments like this, file them away and remember when I need a pick-me-up. Nights like last night are the reason I love my husband so dearly, no matter the day to day annoyances of marriage, or tiffs, or whatever. In the end, our love and respect for each other perseveres...and I have manged to keep him in my heart and life for nearly 11 years.

October 12th is our 10th wedding Anniversary. I know we won't do anything hugely spectacular, because, quite frankly, we don't have the money. But somehow I am going to make it special for him. I have to. I don't think that I would be the woman I am today without him, and with a milestone like this, I want to do something for him in return for all the years of love & support he has given to me, despite our differences and hardships. He deserves to get something he's not expecting for once. I've got a few months, but if anyone has any ideas...I'd love to hear them.

And now, I leave you to your Thursday. Tomorrow will be less lovey-dovey, most likely, but thanks for humoring me and reading.

I love being in love with my husband! And I love to tell the whole world! *squee*

~Cissa

I feel Pretty, oh so Pretty!

OhMiGawd! I love your hair!!

I heard that about 100 times yesterday, and believe me, it didn't get old, not once.

so, a review....This is me about 2 weeks ago maybe 3:



and this is a few pictures of my new look:




I got many many many compliments from this cut. I was told by several people I look at least 5 if not 10 years younger. I was told by a few men that if they didn't know I was married, they'd ask me out!

One regular customer even offered to buy me a drink while I was still working!

The best part of yesterday was giving my boss the Letter of Resignation. He wasn't surprised, as I had told him I would have to quit eventually. But he was very gracious and even thanked me for putting it in writing and giving him 30 days to find and train my replacement. Later that night, he even offered to take me on as his book keeper if I couldn't find a job in an office as I am going to try and do.

So about 6:15pm my friends, Nicky, Brandi & Erin showed up. They were dealing with LGeneral Life and also Boat Wife Drama, and were feeling the need for alcohol. They all went nuts over my hair. Honestly, I cannot remember the last time so many people had such nice things to say about how I look. I felt more beautiful yesterday than I had in along time...anyway...

So after work, I ended over at Brandi's where we watched National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets. Good movie by the way, I recommend at least Netflixing it if you have not seen it yet. SO after some good laughs and movie watching with my girls, I headed home.

Where Misk promptly deflated my "I Feel Pretty" bubble:

"You cut your hair? What did you do that for?"

I pretty much said, "Wow, thanks for making me feel lousy, everyone else I saw today all had nothing but great things to say about my hair. Good night." and went to bed. I wanted to cry, but I was too tired. I did stew over it for a while, and decided on a few nasty remarks to Misk would let him know he was on my shitlist.

today after the usual "good Morning" email I get the following from Misk:

P.S. I do like your hair, it was just a shock to me…..love you

yeah I do feel a little better now....so I guess the scathing revenge remarks will have to wait for another day...*le sigh*

But I still feel pretty!

~Cissa

First day of may, Things are beginning....

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my step-dad's death. Mom handled it pretty well, I think. She excited about the new chapter in her life, but she was quiet yesterday, naturally.

Yesterday was a great day of reflection for me. It was rather relaxing. Went to new Haven, got the last session in for Angie at Dental School. My teeth are so clean and white now!

But today, is a joyous day. I am celebrating.

It's Beltane, better known as May Day.

Spring is in full swing, flowers blooming, trees budding and blooming. Nature is waking up and saying HEY PAY ATTENTION!! THE WORLD IS ALIVE AGAIN!!

One of the best things about today was early, early, just after midnight. Misk and I were laying in bed, just..talking...about all sorts of things. And I got his support for some future personal and spiritual endeavors, as well as his interest in it and his own knowledge of things. He is the best husband ever I tell you! We talked on a level that we don't usually, and I was so excited to hear what he had to say. I felt like I was surrounded in a cocoon of love. I know it sounds all mushy and gushy, but really. I truly haven't felt this close to him in a long time.

Sunday I will gather with some friends and celebrate. We'll have a May Pole and everything. I can't wait.

Did I mention that later that evening I will be the guest to Mr. Fab's Radio Show? hehe Hope you all will tune in!

Tomorrow is a gonna be a fun day. Misk and I will bring the kids to Kids Karnival at the Sub Base Youth Center. I get to sign the kids up for Cheerleading, eat carnival food and go on rides! WOOT!

Well I gotta get ready for my last day of 6 days straight of work...I hope against all hopes I actually have customers tonight! That would be nice for a change. You know, making money....

Have a great Thursday

~Cissa