Are you ready for some football?

Today has been a SUCK-tacular day.

When I woke this morning it was cloudy and obvious it had been raining. I thought to myself, they will cancel the game for sure. Nope, not a chance! So Em and I went to the game. Now granted the rain had lessened to a drizzle, but it was pretty cold still. OK cold we can handle right?

We get to the field, and guess what? It starts RAINING....light at first...then harder...then harder...then of course, it's time for the game. About half the cheerleaders didn't show up in the first place. Those that did were by now soaking wet, shivering, and miserable. I made Emily wear her raincoat over her uniform. And she had a sweater underneath. I didn't care, I wasn't about to let my child get sick because the league made a bad decision to let the game go on.

After about 3 or 4 cheers we coaches decided to let the kids stand under their parent's umbrellas and had a little pow wow. Some of the parents came up and said they were taking their kid home. We couldn't stop them, and honestly, I would have done the same thing. Finally the head coach made up her mind -- we were going home. The poor boys kept on playing.

Today thoroughly frustrated me. The league did not want to cancel because they had already canceled 3 games this season. The problem is that 1 of the 3 they did cancel could have played because they canceled the night before, and the day of, it was gorgeous. Another game day canceled it had rained over night, but it was drying out nicely. What the league was thinking, I can't begin to imagine.

This league, from coaches to structure to parents and players is the most undisciplined, unorganized club I have ever been a part of. The head flag cheer coach and I have tried, unsuccessfully, to procure information, schedules, and rules, only to be denied or given ambivalent answers. We then are cornered by parents who want answers and we have none to give them. It make us look bad, and makes me feel like crap. I have decided next year NOT to be a coach for the flag cheer. I don't have the time or patience for the crap I deal with -- kids who won't practice, parents who don't bring their kids to practice or game on time, and an organization who can't get their shit together.

We have a cheer competition in less than 3 weeks. My age group is going to look like total crap and I will thoroughly be embarrassed to be there. We only JUST got our uniforms given out today because the head of cheerleading failed to order the uniforms on time, since she waited until SEPTEMBER to stop letting people join the league. How the league can do this to the coaches and the girls is beyond me. it's pathetic. And it makes me mad as hell.

I am not sure I will do much more than be a parent next year. Honestly, with my job now, I miss half of practices as it is. Plus, honestly, I'd rather not give myself the stress of trying to wade through the mess that is this league. I simply haven't the patience

You dropped a bomb on me, baby, you dropped a bomb on me...

And my own personal drama continues to rear its ugly head.....mix this with lack of sleep and I am in the foulest mood I have been in this week. And that's saying something!

Last night as Misk and I were laying in bed attempting to go to sleep, we were talking about costs of moving mom (which u-haul do we want and for how much), as today is Military Payday, and we would be doing our usual money stuff....our "out-loud budget" if you will...consider it saving a tree so we don't write it down. Then in the middle of this Misk drops a bomb:

Misk: "I need to get new brakes for my truck, I'd like to do that this weekend."

Me: ".................(long silence)............"

Misk: "Are you still awake?"

Me: *sniffle* (almost whisper) "yes.............(another long silence)........well I guess this means that unless we get that fucking stimulus check I am definitely not going to New York. (insert voice volume getting louder) I guess the little spark of hope I had to go is all but gone now. And to think I was actually getting excited that it was possible (just about a holler) and when exactly were you going to let me know? Before or AFTER I STARTED PACKING????"

Misk: "That's why I am telling you now. Sorry."

Me: (inject snarky sarcastic tone) "Oh gee thanks so much for apologizing now. Because yesterday when I told you about Mom and RI you couldn't have interjected then at all, huh? (change tone to hurt and slightly whiny) Especially when you knew I was so happy because this meant I could still go to New York!"

Misk:........(long pause)......"Sorry Baby." *cue him reaching out to touch me in comfort*

Me: (in the most angry yet disgusted tone I can possibly muster) *through my tears as I move as far away on the bed as possible* "Fuck off and don't even think about getting laid for at least a month. UNLESS I go to New York. Otherwise don't even look at me, douche bag."

So.....things aren't so peachy keen after-all....and now I am angry and hurt, deceived, and rather bitter about him asking me to quit my job, when I could have financed my trip to BrittCon single-handedly on my checks. I didn't have to quit, much as I wanted to, until the summer was over.

Now, see, I realize that was my decision. I know it's not his fault. But I am angry and more than irritated that he waited so long to clue me into the fact that he needs new brakes for a car he drives MAYBE 5 miles a day in. Like his peice of shit truck couldn't go another 2 weeks for brakes? Whatever. Fuck him. He's gonna get his fucking brakes all right.

I hope it's worth it to him. I know I can do fine without marital relations. Not having sex isn't such a big issue to me. I've forcibly abstained for 6-month deployments, a few weeks is a drop in the bucket to me....Afterall, that's what vibrators are for, right?

Pissed off, yet still looking forward to tonight because it is FRIDAY and Girls Night Out,
~Cissa

Money don't get everything it's true, What it don't get, I can't use ...

What a crappy morning I have had so far. That's a fabulous way to start a blog entry, eh?

Things are not so good in Fireheart House. Misk has finally lost all patience and directed me to tell my mother she needs to leave, post haste. He's said we will buy her a bus ticket to Maine if we have to. Ok, so I go to tell my mom and...apparently, her boyfriend in Maine has not been keeping in contact with her, and it seems that...well, he's lost interest.

I knew this would happen, I just knew it.....I saw it coming, and I should have acted sooner to get her back there. Damn it all to Miami.....*sigh*Right, back to my story...

After having an in-depth talk with her and explaining that Misk has expressed his desire for her to leave now, that things, as great as I make them out to be, have been strained with us due to the lack of comfort and privacy in our home. She has pronounced, that hell or high water, she will be out in 2 weeks time.

Well, whether she goes to Maine or not, one thing is for sure:

I will not be able to make it to BrittCon, unless a miracle occurs, and I come into some money. We had depended on that lovely little Economic Stimulus check to arrive so I could go to New York, have a blast, and not worry about the finances, but it never did. Misk seems to think it still might, but I am not holding my breath. Just like we though my mom would only be staying with us for a few months (which turned into a YEAR), that's just not how it happened.

I am rather disappointed at the fact that I won't be able to tool around NYC with my Blogging Friends and Idols. And as much as it would be somewhat feasible for me to afford my train tickets and room at the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen & Marine's Club, it would not be as feasible for me to survive in the food department. Unless by food, you mean $1 hot dogs from corner carts. While they are tasty, it would not be healthy or a good idea for 3 days straight. i could also live on fruit from Bodegas and bottle water, but again, probably not such a great idea...

So, that's it....my little sheltered existence has imploded into one big disappointment. Yeah I'm being dramatical about it, but I was so very much looking forward to it.

I am still holding a birthday-sized candle of hope that the stimulus check shows up, but if it doesn't by the 22nd, I am canceling my reservation in NYC.

And, somehow, getting my mother out of this house.

I hope the rest of you are having a better week,
~Cissa

Right now I am extremely aggravated. And I am going to sounds like a total ...well...Bitch...

My kids are driving me up a fucking wall and I am ready to give them up for adoption.

ok let me rephrase that. Kaity is driving me insane. Emily, ironically is being an angel.

I was away from them all weekend, being at work and stuff, and you know? I thought I missed them. But this morning? This morning, Kaity has been the biggest pain in the ass....and I am about the drop kick her across this town.

And this is my day off. I am supposed to be able to relax today. But I am not. At 8:15 am, I am already pissed off.

and I have nothing to write about today...gah...

I guess I will clean after all today...what a waste of a perfectly nice day *sigh*

Happy Monday Folks,

~Cissa

So thanks for making me a fighter...

Ok, I am really ticked off this morning. Yesterday was a crappy day, and I thought, after cooling off and doing some breathing exercises to calm me down, I'd head to the bookstore and get some more books. Because, you see, 10 shelves over flowing ith books between Misk and I is not nearly enough.

After spending an hour and $60 on books, I settled into a comfy chair at the cafe with my small Mocha (damn place was out of Javakula mix!), and started reading. After another hour I felt much better indeed. I picked up The Bugaboo (Kaitlyn) from school, let her have a little play date at her friend's, then headed home to chill out some more before work.

Work, you ask? But Cissa, wasn't it Monday, your DAY OFF?? Why, yes, dear friends and readers, it was. But, alas, the girl who had been gone for 2 weeks (and whom I had covered MOST of her shifts, mind you) was apparently NOT able to make it because she wasn't back yet, or so I was told.

So, fiddle-dee-dee, there I am at work, a few tables but still pretty quiet, blah blah blah. The phone rings, and I look at the caller ID, inform my boss that it is the girl who's shift I am covering, and let him pick up the kitchen extension. He's chatting away and I hear...

"So, did you just get back?"

"Oh. Uh-huh..."

"Mm-hmm...a Chicken Gyro? OK see you in a bit."

If my face wasn't previously severely sunburnt at that point, it would have quickly gone as red as it was already. I'm rather certain I did start to turn purple, though. I. was. pissed.

Apparently the girl was back, in town, and had been all day. Not only that, but she had the effing GALL to call in a TAKE OUT ORDER AND COME IN AND PICK IT UP WHILE I WORKED HER EFFING SHIFT!!

Breathe Cissa, breathe......ok, I'm good.

Now, perhaps some of you may think I am over-reacting. Seriously? I am not. If you are going to call in and say you can't come in to work a shift at your job, why would you think it is OK to come in to the place for take-out ??? A couple people I have talked to about it have told me I should have said no to working the shift. Perhaps this is true. But I honestly do not think it would have changed a thing. She still would have come in, thus showing off to whoever was working. It's rude. It's incinsiderate. It's just plain wrong. Especially when I found out what happened at home after arriving back there about 9:30 last night.

Apparently, all the extra shifts I have taken on in the last 2 weeks is really upsetting my kids. Emily more than Kaitlyn, but I think that's because Kait sees me for a few hours after Pre-K, and I am already gone by the time Em gets home. When she got home and asked where I was, my mother told her. She cried hysterically for quite a while.

"She Lied! She Lied! She doesn't love us! Why is she always working?!"

I just about broke down and cried myself when my mother told me how upset Emily got. It's still ripping my heart out. Looking back on yesterday evening, I am more upset about the girl coming in because of my child's reaction to me not being home. She could have worked, but didn't. I know the other waitress who was offered the shift and she also turned it down to spend time with her kids. I am angry at myself for being so nice, because honestly, at that moment, I felt so taken advantage of, and that also angers me.

I don't know what to do. The money has been good, as far as getting my paychecks anyway. But I feel like I am burning out of this job lately. It's starting to affect my kids, and I'd rather live a simpler life and be home more than make my children need therapy because I gave them abandonment issues.

I talked to Emily today and explained to her why I worked, and apologized for not letting her know Monday before school. She was OK about it, but I could tell she was still very upset, and when she asked me if I was working again tonight, the broken look on her face when I answered yes said it all.

As I have said time and time again, Mother of the Year, I am not. And I continue to prove it over and over again.

Hope you all have had a better day. I'm going to go drown in a Diet Coke and a cigarette.

~Cissa

I'm not angry it's never been enough, It gets inside and it tears you up

I am going to write today about something that really bothers the hell out of me. A good friend of mine is dealing with this issue, and because I am so passionate about defending friends when they are wronged, I need to vent. I am really in a fabulous mood to be honest, but this is a topic that affects a LOT of people, so I am going to talk about it...among other things....

Ladies, girls, women...ALL FEMALES...

YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN/WOMAN/PARTNER IN YOUR LIFE TO FEEL YOU ARE OF ANY WORTH IN THIS WORLD!!!

I guess I am a modern woman. I do have some notions of...what's the word, women's liberation and equality. Yes, I am married, and devoted to my husband. And yes, I do like him to get me flowers and open doors for me, so maybe I am a little traditional as well. But you know what? I don't have to be the perfect little wife and mother to be happy with my life. I love my kids, and am blessed to have brought them into this world...I know I could pull my own weight if Misk suddenly decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. And I would be OK with that. My mother may not have been a stellar mother, but the ONE thing she taught me was to always rely on myself before anyone else. Yes, I may have faltered here and there, but not for any amount of time that would constitute outright sacrifice of self worth and be the representation of my own life.

A loooong time ago, I was an actress. Yep, I was in college for theatre. Then I met Misk. I fell in love with him. I gave up theatre and acting for a while, but I always had a longing to continue -- and you know what? Misk encouraged me to pursue my happiness. So I did. I have performed in a few productions of local theatre companies in the places I have lived over the last 10 years. I've done quite a few auditions. Misk has always been there to support me when I have a role or if I don't get cast. I am lucky. I am very lucky because I know for a FACT that some of my friends' husbands would not be as supportive.

It drives me mad with anger that a man would try to suppress a woman in pursuing a dream. Even if it was a dream to learn to paint, or to grow a garden in the crappy little patch of dirt in front of the house. Nothing should be discouraged. How much do women give up to support their partners? SO MUCH. And yet, if a woman finds she is sad, depressed, or feels unfulfilled, it's assumed that she must be a terrible woman because she is not doing her job of supporting well enough. Which then leads to more feelings of inadequacy and "counseling" or medications. If she does start to pursue her dream, she is considered not being supportive of that partner enough...It's a double edged sword and it is NOT RIGHT.

I don't care what religion you practice. All religions have a basic "Golden Rule" about treating others as you would want to be treated. But how much does that rule apply when the "other" is your partner? More often than not, it is not even applied.

I am so angry, I cannot see straight when I see an example of this. I probably am not even making sense because my anger is distracting me and I am unable to conjure the words that I want to.

I don't talk alot of religion, but I will say this. There are religions out there where the main deity is a Female force. Obviously they are not Christian. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. I've got a news flash for you people out there who think that anything before Christ is not worth mentioning. For probably more than double of your religions time of existance, those other religions were thriving. The only reason why the top 3 world religions came about to be so popular was because Men decided they should be in charge and they did everything they could to get there -- including raping, killing and destroying any woman who did not want to conform. Over the last couple thousand years, Judaism/Islam/Christianity has been the dominating force, and that's the reason why women are so suppressed now. At least, from what I have been reading it is.

I thought I knew my heart. I thought I knew what I believed - with much conviction. I think I had that decision in my mind because it's the only thing I've been told for nearly my last 30 years. But I am not so closed-minded anymore. I know who reads this blog. Some of you are family even. Some of you are Good Christian People, and I do not have any malice for you. You believe what you believe, and it works for you. I think it's great. You are happy, and I say good for you that what you believe is what's for you. It's just not for me anymore. And I am not saying that I don't believe in God. I am just saying perhaps God isn't the only one out there.

So ...to sum up my entry for today....Women do not need a life partner to be worthy in this world, no matter what society/your religion says. A good successful marriage should include a support system from both sides. I do not consider myself a Christian anymore.

back to the cleaning...

~Cissa